humor – Go Retire Psychiatrist

Iowa Bill HF2676 Which Would Allow OTC Ivermectin in Iowa On its Way to Governor Reynolds Desk

Late yesterday, there was a story published in the Iowa Capital Dispatch announcing that the MAHA bill HF2676 is on its way to Governor Reynolds for her signature. A part of that bill “…also would allow ivermectin, a drug used to treat parasitic infections that some have claimed can be used in preventing or treating symptoms of COVID-19, to be distributed over the counter by pharmacies.”

She will probably sign it, making Iowa one of a handful of states in the U.S. which allows human-grade ivermectin available over-the-counter in pharmacies. I think saying it would be OTC is partly a misnomer because it would actually be more like “behind the counter” as it’s not packaged to be sold that way, for example, in places like Walgreens.

The language of the bill is permissive, though, which means that pharmacists “may” (not “shall”) make ivermectin available OTC. I’m surprised that she’s quoted in the story saying the bill “takes common sense steps to improve health and well-being for Iowans of all ages.” Nothing further from the truth could be said regarding the ivermectin piece. There’s no good evidence that it’s effective for treating Covid-19 infection.

That said, I’m not sure how this bill once it’s signed into law would be enforceable. Pharmacists and/or other health professionals are not required to unilaterally or collaboratively set up a standing order making ivermectin available OTC. I think you’d still need to have a prescription if you need it to treat parasite infections.

If you drive up to the window and request human-grade ivermectin, the law would not prevent a pharmacist from asking you why you want it. I’m aware of off-label indications for medications. The American College of Medical Toxicology (ACMT) published a paper in 2022 cautioning against off-label prescribing of ivermectin for treatment of Covid-19. I agree with their statement that “clinicians, not courts should direct medical care.” By extension, I think that you could substitute the word “legislatures” for “courts.”

Calello DP, Kazzi Z, Stolbach A. American College of Medical Toxicology (ACMT) Cautions Against Off-Label Prescribing of Ivermectin for the Prevention or Treatment of COVID-19. J Med Toxicol. 2022 Jan;18(1):69-70. doi: 10.1007/s13181-021-00866-z. Epub 2022 Jan 10. PMID: 35006547; PMCID: PMC8744041.

I realize there’s a lot of off-label prescribing of drugs going on out there. Ozempic is one of them. I have not read the news article warning about “Ozempic penis.” I have read the FDA’s announcement about off label use of ivermectin.

The push for ivermectin off-label use for Covid-19 looks politically motivated, in my opinion. Governor Reynolds will likely sign into law HF 2676 including the small part about ivermectin which really doesn’t seem to belong in the bill. It’ll be a pyrrhic victory. I think it makes the legislators who supported it and the governor look bad. Further, I think it makes Iowa look bad. I doubt Iowa pharmacists, one of whom refused to fill a prescription for ivermectin for Covid-19 a few years ago, will have any trouble declining to provide ivermectin to anyone who wants to use it to treat Covid-19.

OK, on the lighter side I’m going to pour a little cold water on ivermectin regarding its use as an antiparasitic agent. Does it work for ticks? The reason I bring this up is that last week, my wife Sena did not use OFF! Deep Woods insect repellent before going out into the backyard garden which borders on a woodsy outlot. When she came inside, she asked me to take a look at the back of her neck because she felt something crawling on her. I plucked a tick from her hair and flushed it down the sink.

Then, this morning I noticed a CDC article published last week about visits to emergency rooms for tick bites being higher than usual. Ticks can make you really sick. They cause several diseases including something I didn’t know much about which is alpha-gal syndrome. That’s not a term invented to compete with the alpha male syndrome. The “gal” is short for galactose and if a tick infects you with it, you can get allergic to red meat (tick bite meat allergy). Then you’d have to avoid eating red meat.

So, is ivermectin effective against ticks? There was a study published 12 years ago that said it was not. On the other hand, there’s a story that says ivermectin is protective against ticks—in deer, not in humans. Don’t forget the OFF!

Sheele JM, Ford LR, Tse A, Chidester B, Byers PA, Sonenshine DE. The use of ivermectin to kill ixodes scapularis ticks feeding on humans. Wilderness Environ Med. 2014 Mar;25(1):29-34. doi: 10.1016/j.wem.2013.09.008. Epub 2014 Jan 9. PMID: 24411976.

All That Digital News

I guess you have to be a certain age to develop the habit of doomscrolling. I’m not minimizing the problem. I just can’t see how anybody gets into it. I’m talking about digital news websites. It’s a tableau of yawners every day. It’s full of models, goggle-eyed golden retrievers, and ads for knuckle removers (“Do you want to remove your knuckles? Well, you’ve come to the right place and for just $19.99 and your first-born child….” It’s a real tabloid thing.

I used to deliver print newspapers, specifically the Des Moines Register. When I was a boy, I used to deliver it in Mason City, my hometown. I even got a certificate for making Honor Salesman. I never just tossed the paper on the driveway so it could get soaked in the rain or snow. I stuck it inside the storm door, which was nearly always unlocked. Remember those days? Of course not!

Winter deliveries were rough. I had to drag my wagon with all the papers in it through 2-foot-high snowdrifts. I needed a dog sled some days, especially with the Sunday edition.

I had to deliver to an old guy who cultivated giant Hollyhocks, some more than 7 feet tall with huge blossoms which attracted dozens of bumblebees as big as my head. His whole backyard was a small field of Hollyhocks. His front door was surrounded by them too and I was scared I’d get stung. I would hold my breath, approach slowly so as not to startle them, snatch open the screen door and fling the paper inside. The bumblebees would float toward me rumbling like they had Pratt & Whitney engines. I swear one of them growled “Who goes there?” at me.

I folded my newspapers, but I never banged them or threw them like the guy in the video talks about. If I ever tried to pitch my newspapers, I probably would have busted a window.

One of the things I enjoyed about the print newspaper back in the day was reading Dave Barry’s syndicated column. I was working at a hospital during a practicum rotation while working toward a Bachelor’s degree at Iowa State University. I got funny looks from people because I couldn’t keep from laughing. You can find a few of his vintage columns on his website.

And if you can’t scroll further than the length of your thumb on your smartphone screen without seeing a picture of a golden retriever—put your phone down.

Svengoolie Show Movie: “How to Make a Monster”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

Will the real monster please stand up? That’s the question I asked myself last night while watching the 1958 American International film “How to Make a Monster” directed by Herbert L. Strock. The principal players are Robert H. Harris as Pete Dumond (the bully makeup artist); Paul Brinegar as Rivero (Dumond’s servile assistant); Gary Conway as Tony Mantell (teenage Frankenstein); Gary Clarke as Larry Drake (teenage Werewolf).

Dumond is an aging prima donna makeup artist specializing in movie monster creation who gets taken down a few pegs and basically fired by new studio executives who tell him monster movies are passe and they are all in on the new craving audiences have for musicals and comedies.

Dumond takes exception to this and he takes revenge by stealing a mind-control chemical (grape Nehi) that is definitely not FDA-approved and mixing it with makeup for Drake and Mantell while hypnotizing them into knocking off the enemies who are destroying his career.

This, of course, shows overweening pride (also known as hubris) which is a common film attitude we got from Greek mythology. One obvious, relevant connection is the episode in which Odysseus blinds Polyphemus by poking his eye out with a knitting needle and then taunts him for being unable to find his golf balls. This is where the idea came from for the scene in which teenage Frankenstein collides with the film’s only black bit player Paulene Myers (Millie) who remembers him because of a “missing” eye.

Anyway, Dumond is forever cutting down his assistant, Rivero who gets really nervous when the police browbeat him about the 12 or so murders that happen in the studio lot café, which is a mistake because the cook never cleans the grill and most customers die from food poisoning.

The part that puzzled me about this movie was towards the end when Dumond has been evicted from his office and he’s cleaning up. He’s packing a few things and then looks at a couple of items that look like they could be incriminating pieces of evidence that could lead the cops to him.

He just tosses them into a wastepaper basket in his makeup room. Excuse me! The makeup and LSD that he used to hypnotize the teenage monsters to kill for him are in plain sight? Hey, I’m not the only one who thought of that. After I got the idea last night, this morning I saw a full-length YouTube of the movie. See the comments below it. One of them says, “Had Pete not thrown away that stuff he could’ve gotten away.”

So, to return to the opening line of this so-called review, who’s the real monster in this film? Right, it’s the sketch Svengoolie made of his self-portrait, turning it into the face of a werewolf!

I thought the movie was fair. I give it a 3/5 Shrilling Chicken Rating.

Hunkered Down Hawk!

We got this sudden string of thunderstorms come up this afternoon in eastern Iowa and it blew pretty hard briefly for a short while. We got barely pea-sized hail. It buffeted the Red-tail Hawk around so much I couldn’t really tell which end of it was up. And then it quickly calmed down. If you don’t like the weather in Iowa-just wait a bit.

Svengoolie Show Movie: “The Car”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

We’ve never seen the 1977 movie “The Car” and it’s spooky because that’s the year Sena and I got married and only a few years later we got a big 1980s vintage Chrysler New Yorker that had an Electric Voice Alert (EVA) system. Not that the car in the movie talks, it just kills people—mainly good people. And the car in the movie was a Lincoln Continental.

There aren’t many demonic car jokes so I had to come up with one that fits the movie because there’s one out there which you can overthink. I had to make the car talk and you have to imagine it has an EVA system installed. You also have to be old enough to know what those old Chrysler New Yorkers usually said. Furthermore, you have to know that a priest uses something called a sprinkler (usually called by the Latin-derived name “aspergillum”) to apply holy water.

What did the demonic car say to the Catholic priest trying to exorcise it? “Your holy water fluid level is low!” Sorry.

Anyway, the movie stars James Brolin (Wade Parent, chief deputy), Kathleen Lloyd (Lauren Humphries, Wade’s girlfriend), R.G. Armstrong (Amos Clements, the dynamite guy; oh, my name is in this movie; that’s spooky!), Ronny Cox (Deputy Luke Johnson), John Marley (Sheriff Everett Peck), Eddie Little Sky (Denson), Margaret Willey (Navajo woman), among others.

Chief Deputy Wade Parent, a divorced guy with two daughters, and Lauren Humphries are sweethearts who plan to marry. The gist of the scene following the opener in which the car runs down two bike riders is that Amos Clements, the dynamite contractor who is abusing his wife, witnesses a guy get run over by the demonic car but then can’t come up with enough specifics about how to identify the car or its driver, which really makes Sheriff Peck mad, because he knows that Clements is abusing his wife, who Peck was sweet on in high school and has wanted to rescue her from the bad marriage.

The car is very choosy about who it kills—mainly good-hearted, kind, decent people. In fact, it spares the one baddy in the town, which is Clements, and instead runs over Sheriff Peck.

The only way you know this is that the one witness to the Sheriff Peck murder is the Navajo woman, whose story is mis-translated by the deputy Denson (later corrected by the dispatcher), who leaves out the part that the car swerved to miss Clements and went straight for Sheriff Peck, and that the Navajo woman didn’t see a driver.

Nobody ever “sees” the driver until the end and this review will not have spoilers. The car’s menacing approach is always preceded by a big wind which is sort of a mini haboob, after which people are knocked off.

The only place where people are spared is in the town cemetery, which the car never enters although it knocks down part of the entrance while Lauren makes a big show of jeering at it, calling it names, and just generally insulting it, for example:

“Nyahh, your window washer fluid level is low!”

“Your stick shift is crooked!”

“You’re too fat for your seatbelt!”

“Because you have no door handles, your door is ajar!”

This movie is OK, although there are some scenes in which overacting gets a little tedious. I give it a 3/5 Shrilling Chicken rating.

A Dose of the Mother

Sena had another dietary brainstorm and bought something called apple cider vinegar.

Warning: it contains a substance called “the mother.”

I’m not sure what the mother is, exactly, but I’m concerned that it might be something that would turn up as the main creature on a Svengoolie show movie. By the way, tonight it’s the 1977 release of “The Car.”

I was not sure whether I would want to consume anything that might contain vestiges (chunks?) of somebody’s mom. Hard to believe, this stuff has been around since 1912. What did the children think?

Actually, according to the first (and only) source I looked up on the web, the vinegar part got started by the Babylonians in 5000 B.C. Leave it to the Babylonians. You can mix it with moonshine to make werewolves. Think about that.

Sena thought I was going to look up scientific research about this. However, the claims that it makes mice smarter than humans is trivial. Just about every living creature is smarter than a human. Just read the news.

It turns out the mother is a mixture of acids that can make you hallucinate extraterrestrials and Bigfoot. You could use it as an underarm deodorant, but you might get sued by the maker of Lume deodorizer products.

There are a few tried and true effects of apple cider vinegar. You can soak your feet in it—if you don’t mind the incidental result nobody mentions, which is that your feet dissolve. You can get rid of fleas with it, but you might just want to visit a vet. And anything you can use as a weed killer should you make you think twice about drinking it. The bottle directs you to shake gently before using. You wouldn’t want to throw your hip out of joint.

Thank you for your time.

Sena Finds a Red-tailed Hawk Sitting on a Nest

Sena found a Red-tailed hawk on a nest in the outlot beyond our back yard. At first, I thought it was too early for that sort of thing. Sure enough, today we went for a walk and both saw it.

This has been a common theme for us. Over 20 years ago she saw a coyote in the back yard of another house in a different neighborhood. I didn’t really believe it—until our next-door neighbor asked us if we’d seen that “coyote” out in the back yard. We never got a chance to get a picture of it.

And then there was the time she saw (actually heard it before she saw it) a pileated woodpecker in the backyard of another house we lived in about 12 years ago. I doubted it then, too. But she got a picture to prove it. It just goes to show you—I never learn.

Dave Barry Beats TV

I’ve been sitting here reading Dave Barry’s book, “Best State Ever: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland.” It was published in 2016 and every time I read something from it, I laugh my fool head off. I used to have more than 20 of Barry’s non-fiction books. Now I have only this one. The others went to Goodwill during the many moves we’ve made.

Books are always better than TV. No matter what technology we have, TV is a disappointment. Half the time, our choices are mindless violence, sports, UFOs and Bigfoot, endlessly looping reruns of vintage programs only people my age remember, or loud and idiotic commercials. The other half the set is on the fritz.

I had more fun reading one chapter in Barry’s book than I’ve had in any given month of watching TV.

Admittedly, I have a couple of weaknesses for certain TV programs. The Svengoolie show is one of them. I watch the old schlocky horror movies mostly so I can do wacky fake reviews on my blog—which are fun to write. The other is the trilogy of Men in Black movies: Men in Black (1997), Men in Black II (2002), and Men in Black 3 (2012). I always look for them.

Dave Barry’s “Best State Ever…” book is the only book by him I have left of my former collection. This one is not going to Goodwill. Sometimes, it’s the only alternative to TV.

Me vs the Bilt Hard Steel Garden Cart

OK, so I’m the least handy guy on the planet and Sena got this do-it-yourself steel cart I had to assemble yesterday.

I’ve been on break from projects like this for a good while now. The instructions weren’t great, even though the box came with an extraterrestrial assistant.

That won’t help guys like me.

At first, I tried the instructions. I’m 71 years old and I had to sit cross-legged on the garage floor (yes, I’m complaining and that’s my constitutionally-guaranteed right!). My joints are still sore. I didn’t have the right size socket for the odd-size lock nuts, so I had to make do with a couple of adjustable wrenches.

Oh, and I had to check a YouTube video about how to cope with cotter pin installation for the wheels. I don’t care if I never have to pump air into them. I need more specific instructions than extraterrestrials are capable of giving.

OK, and who was in charge of making sure each and every one of the washers was packed with the parts? I know the instructions told me to check to see that every part was sent and wait for missing parts to be sent from the manufacturer first before attempting to assemble this product, but by the time I found out that only one washer was missing—I skipped it because by that time I was done with assembly—well, sort of done.

Did I mention that my joints are sore?

I tried to follow the instructions, but from my pictures you can see they didn’t help. The drawings weren’t that helpful, and the extraterrestrial was across the street smoking and joking with the construction workers across the street who no doubt could have assembled the Artemis II rocket blindfolded—with a fully functional toilet.

By the way, one of them had a clear line of sight into our garage, seemed to stare at my wonky project and probably wondered whether he should help me out. He probably knew I didn’t have the cart assembly right because I stood there staring at it with a baffled expression on my face.

And by the way—my joints are sore.

I could tell it wasn’t right because the sides were all at wonky angles. Sena knew it wasn’t right but didn’t mention anything about it after she saw it.

Finally, I found a video that clearly showed how to fix a wonky steel cart. I told the extraterrestrial assistant to take a hike and fixed the thing in a few minutes.

We have before and after pictures. Thank you for your time. I have sore joints.

Svengoolie Movie: “An American Werewolf in London”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

Let me get this off my chest first. Sena and I watched the Svengoolie show the 1981 movie, “An American Werewolf in London” directed by John Landis last night and neither of us remember hearing Sam Cooke’s version of the song “Blue Moon” during the transformation scene when David Naughton (David Kessler) turns into a werewolf. We found other videos in which Cook’s smooth delivery of “Blue Moon” is clearly playing while David is morphing into a monster.

But neither one of us remembers hearing it on the Svengoolie show last night. Anyway, IMDB has a short paragraph which says director John Landis wanted the Sam Cooke version of “Blue Moon” playing during the transformation scene because he wanted to contrast the sadness of the song with the horror of the transformation. The composer, Elmer Bernstein, made an alternate music for the scene which never got used because Landis vetoed it.

That said, this is not going to be my usual tongue-in-cheek fake review with a lot of fibs and dad jokes. I should also mention that Sena watched the movie in a different room from mine because she doesn’t like the number of commercials on the Svengoolie show and switches channels a lot.

The movie is supposed to be a mix of comedy and horror and I liked that. Sena was a bit ambivalent about it but overall thought parts of it were pretty funny.

The movie opens with David Naughton (David Kessler) and Griffin Dunne (Jack Goodman) ignoring the advice of patrons at a tavern with the cheerful name The Slaughtered Lamb to stick to the road and avoid the moor. A werewolf attacks them, kills Jack but David is hospitalized with wounds. Jack appears to David periodically (each time more decayed) to tell him he needs to commit suicide in order to stop the werewolf bloodline so that Jack can die because he’s now undead.

Alex Price (Jenny Agutter) is David’s nurse in the hospital. She gets a crush on him and takes him home with her when he’s ready to leave. David’s doctor eventually gets the idea that he might be delusional about being a werewolf. David tries to convince Alex that he’s a werewolf by explaining the 1941 movie “The Wolfman.” The key is that he can be saved from his fate only by someone who loves him. Alex doesn’t get it—at first.

David’s transformation scene was pretty intense, which may be why neither of us actually heard Sam Cooke’s smooth delivery of the song “Blue Moon.” That might speak against Landis’s idea that a sad song might moderate the horror of David’s terrifying metamorphosis into a huge, demonic wolf. However, I did find out that the film’s composer, Elmer Bernstein, wanted to use a scary music. Landis wanted to use Cooke’s rendition of “Blue Moon” and prevailed. However, there’s a clip with Bernstein’s music, which is pretty intense. I didn’t much care for it, although Sena thought it fit better with the transformation.

There were actually three versions of the song “Blue Moon” in the movie: one by Bobby Vinton, one by Sam Cooke, and the third by The Marcels. Neither of us heard “Blue Moon” by Sam Cook. We couldn’t find evidence on the web that the Svengoolie version edited out the song. On the other hand, neither did we hear the sexually suggestive noises in the porno theater when David’s slaughtered victims give him helpful advice about how to commit suicide so that they can get out of limbo. Again, that’s because they’re undead and David has to kill himself in order for them to move on. Even his friend Jack, who was killed by the werewolf who attacked him and David early in the movie, supports this effort—although he scoffs at the idea of a silver bullet being the weapon of choice.

The link between the 1941 movie “The Wolfman” and “An American Werewolf in London” becomes clearer late in the film. Readers can figure it out.

There’s an Easter egg in this movie and it’s the Piccadilly Circus adult film theater marquee, “See You Next Wednesday.” This is a recurring gag in many films by John Landis. It’s a line from the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

“See You Next Wednesday” is a line from the 1968 film “2001: A Space Odyssey.” It is the last line spoken by Frank Poole’s father during Poole’s video message from his parents.

Sena and I both think the movie is pretty good and give it a Shrilling Chicken rating of 4.5/5.