paranormal – Go Retire Psychiatrist

Svengoolie Show Movie: “Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

His brain came from Moe. His soul came from Larry. His hair came from Curly Joe.

I don’t know how much of “Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell” Sena actually saw, but I stayed awake for the whole thing. A little Pepto-Bismol afterward and I was just fine.

This is Hammer Films last Frankenstein movie and Peter Cushing’s last time reprising the role of Dr. Frankenstein. He wore gloves nearly all the time to hide the nicotine stains on his fingers. The best part was the “13, 13, 13” joke by the “hand at the door” guy who always interrupts Svengoolie at the end of the show. There’s a YouTube of a version of this class dad joke:

Anyway, this 1974 film features Peter Cushing as Baron Frankenstein (although “operating” under an assumed name, “Dr. Victor”); Shane Briant (as Simon Helder, a surgeon also specializing in spare body parts); Madeline Smith (as Sarah, nicknamed Angel who has almost no lines to memorize as she’s cast as a mute); David Prowse (as the monster); and John Stratton (as the lecherous asylum director Adolph Klauss).

Simon gets busted for buying body parts, including jitterbugging eyeballs, from a drunk body snatcher played by a former Dr. Who, played by Patrick Troughton. He’s sentenced to the local insane asylum where the director locks him up after ordering the orderlies to hose him down with the famous Copper Bullet Pocket expandable garden hose with 13 settings from “Prostatism Dribble” to “Old Faithful Geyser” with the flip of a switch.

Angel stitches up Dr. Helder’s five-inch-wide lacerations from the hosing because Dr. Victor (who is actually Dr. Frankenstein) can’t manage because of 13-inch-deep nicotine stains all over his hands. Dr. Victor takes him on rounds of the asylum inmates. One of them is a brilliant mathematician, Dr. Durendel (played by Charles Lloyd-Pack) who has a crush on Angel.

Another is a guy named Tarmut (played by Bernard Lee) who is a gifted sculptor and Angel had to suture Tarmut’s hands on Herr Schneider’s arms by tying 13 shoestrings with sheepshank knots. The monster, Herr Schneider (played by Prowse), won a cribbage game with Dr. Durendel (who lost by a skunk!), so Durendel had to give his brain to Schneider, which was welded into place by Dr. Helder.

The monster, former inmate Herr Schneider, was a savage brute who supposedly killed himself by breaking all 13 bars of his cell window and throwing himself out on the rocks in an escape attempt. Obviously, this was after the cribbage game.

Are we good with all that? I had to piece it together like the monster had to be assembled.

When the monster starts kicking the crap out of Dr. Helder, Angel suddenly finds her voice! She yells, “jab, jab, cross!”

I try to avoid spoilers so I’ll just say I think this is a so-so movie and I give it a 2/5 Shrilling Chicken Rating.

Svengoolie Show Movie: “How to Make a Monster”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

Will the real monster please stand up? That’s the question I asked myself last night while watching the 1958 American International film “How to Make a Monster” directed by Herbert L. Strock. The principal players are Robert H. Harris as Pete Dumond (the bully makeup artist); Paul Brinegar as Rivero (Dumond’s servile assistant); Gary Conway as Tony Mantell (teenage Frankenstein); Gary Clarke as Larry Drake (teenage Werewolf).

Dumond is an aging prima donna makeup artist specializing in movie monster creation who gets taken down a few pegs and basically fired by new studio executives who tell him monster movies are passe and they are all in on the new craving audiences have for musicals and comedies.

Dumond takes exception to this and he takes revenge by stealing a mind-control chemical (grape Nehi) that is definitely not FDA-approved and mixing it with makeup for Drake and Mantell while hypnotizing them into knocking off the enemies who are destroying his career.

This, of course, shows overweening pride (also known as hubris) which is a common film attitude we got from Greek mythology. One obvious, relevant connection is the episode in which Odysseus blinds Polyphemus by poking his eye out with a knitting needle and then taunts him for being unable to find his golf balls. This is where the idea came from for the scene in which teenage Frankenstein collides with the film’s only black bit player Paulene Myers (Millie) who remembers him because of a “missing” eye.

Anyway, Dumond is forever cutting down his assistant, Rivero who gets really nervous when the police browbeat him about the 12 or so murders that happen in the studio lot café, which is a mistake because the cook never cleans the grill and most customers die from food poisoning.

The part that puzzled me about this movie was towards the end when Dumond has been evicted from his office and he’s cleaning up. He’s packing a few things and then looks at a couple of items that look like they could be incriminating pieces of evidence that could lead the cops to him.

He just tosses them into a wastepaper basket in his makeup room. Excuse me! The makeup and LSD that he used to hypnotize the teenage monsters to kill for him are in plain sight? Hey, I’m not the only one who thought of that. After I got the idea last night, this morning I saw a full-length YouTube of the movie. See the comments below it. One of them says, “Had Pete not thrown away that stuff he could’ve gotten away.”

So, to return to the opening line of this so-called review, who’s the real monster in this film? Right, it’s the sketch Svengoolie made of his self-portrait, turning it into the face of a werewolf!

I thought the movie was fair. I give it a 3/5 Shrilling Chicken Rating.

Sven Squad Movie: “Parents”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

OK, so this movie, “Parents” is hosted by the Sven Squad, who did a pretty good job of covering this dark 1989 film directed by Bob Balaban, set in the 1950s California suburbia. The main cast included Randy Quaid (Nick Laemle), Mary Beth Hurt (Lily Laemle), Bryan Madorsky (Michael Laemle), and Sandy Dennis (Millie Dew). Interestingly, Madorsky never continued acting after this movie and went on to become an accountant.

This movie reminds me of that Barbara Streisand song “People Who Eat People.” No, wait, that’s not right. Sena and I both saw the movie and we’re not certain about whether this is about a mentally vulnerable 10-year-old boy who hallucinates or about something really sinister. It’s a little of both. As usual, this is not a serious movie review and there are a couple of links below to serious writers.

As a retired psychiatrist, I tend to lean toward a psychological interpretation of a fair number of scenes in which Michael sees scary things. On the other hand, while that’s plausible early in the film, it’s less tenable when the school social worker, Millie Dew, sees scary things too like severed limbs and whole corpses in the basement of the Laemle house.

We both chuckled about Toxico, the aptly named company where Nick works as a research scientist in the Human Cadaver section where he develops Agent Orange type defoliants and requests choice liver cuts for mysterious reasons and which may be ending up as entrees on the dinner table.

The Laemle kitchen has a counter with a rack full of heavy cookbooks on it, none of which contain recipes for fricasseed fingers, I’m pretty sure. They live in a conformist neighborhood, which of course implies that everyone is snacking on milk and postman kidney cutlets just before bedtime.

I keep trying to think of a reason why the name “Millie Dew” was chosen for the school social worker role. It sounds like a joke to make you think of mildew, which is a fungus. I can’t recall whether Nick was making a kind of chemical fungus which made vegetation forget to take up glucose which led to jungle defoliation or what. And what point would the joke have had?

Maybe Millie was “breaking the mold” of the conformist society in which she didn’t really fit. Or maybe Michael felt like she was “growing” on him. See what I did there?

We were both creeped out by this movie and giving it a black comedy label might fit if you think of it as black mold. It kept us on the edge of our seats, but it’s too dark. Both Sena and I give it a 2/5 Shrilling Chicken Rating.

“Criminally Underrated: Parents” by Joseph Neff. April 5, 2026 (approximate), on Spectrum Culture website. https://spectrumculture.com/2026/04/01/criminally-underrated-parents/

“Why director Bob Balaban chose to film Parents (1989) from the perspective of a child” By MeTV Staff. April 15, 2026. On Yikesgeist, MeTV. https://metv.com/stories/why-director-bob-balaban-chose-to-film-parents-1989-from-the-perspective-of-a-child

Svengoolie Show Movie: “The Car”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

We’ve never seen the 1977 movie “The Car” and it’s spooky because that’s the year Sena and I got married and only a few years later we got a big 1980s vintage Chrysler New Yorker that had an Electric Voice Alert (EVA) system. Not that the car in the movie talks, it just kills people—mainly good people. And the car in the movie was a Lincoln Continental.

There aren’t many demonic car jokes so I had to come up with one that fits the movie because there’s one out there which you can overthink. I had to make the car talk and you have to imagine it has an EVA system installed. You also have to be old enough to know what those old Chrysler New Yorkers usually said. Furthermore, you have to know that a priest uses something called a sprinkler (usually called by the Latin-derived name “aspergillum”) to apply holy water.

What did the demonic car say to the Catholic priest trying to exorcise it? “Your holy water fluid level is low!” Sorry.

Anyway, the movie stars James Brolin (Wade Parent, chief deputy), Kathleen Lloyd (Lauren Humphries, Wade’s girlfriend), R.G. Armstrong (Amos Clements, the dynamite guy; oh, my name is in this movie; that’s spooky!), Ronny Cox (Deputy Luke Johnson), John Marley (Sheriff Everett Peck), Eddie Little Sky (Denson), Margaret Willey (Navajo woman), among others.

Chief Deputy Wade Parent, a divorced guy with two daughters, and Lauren Humphries are sweethearts who plan to marry. The gist of the scene following the opener in which the car runs down two bike riders is that Amos Clements, the dynamite contractor who is abusing his wife, witnesses a guy get run over by the demonic car but then can’t come up with enough specifics about how to identify the car or its driver, which really makes Sheriff Peck mad, because he knows that Clements is abusing his wife, who Peck was sweet on in high school and has wanted to rescue her from the bad marriage.

The car is very choosy about who it kills—mainly good-hearted, kind, decent people. In fact, it spares the one baddy in the town, which is Clements, and instead runs over Sheriff Peck.

The only way you know this is that the one witness to the Sheriff Peck murder is the Navajo woman, whose story is mis-translated by the deputy Denson (later corrected by the dispatcher), who leaves out the part that the car swerved to miss Clements and went straight for Sheriff Peck, and that the Navajo woman didn’t see a driver.

Nobody ever “sees” the driver until the end and this review will not have spoilers. The car’s menacing approach is always preceded by a big wind which is sort of a mini haboob, after which people are knocked off.

The only place where people are spared is in the town cemetery, which the car never enters although it knocks down part of the entrance while Lauren makes a big show of jeering at it, calling it names, and just generally insulting it, for example:

“Nyahh, your window washer fluid level is low!”

“Your stick shift is crooked!”

“You’re too fat for your seatbelt!”

“Because you have no door handles, your door is ajar!”

This movie is OK, although there are some scenes in which overacting gets a little tedious. I give it a 3/5 Shrilling Chicken rating.

Svengoolie Movie: “An American Werewolf in London”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

Let me get this off my chest first. Sena and I watched the Svengoolie show the 1981 movie, “An American Werewolf in London” directed by John Landis last night and neither of us remember hearing Sam Cooke’s version of the song “Blue Moon” during the transformation scene when David Naughton (David Kessler) turns into a werewolf. We found other videos in which Cook’s smooth delivery of “Blue Moon” is clearly playing while David is morphing into a monster.

But neither one of us remembers hearing it on the Svengoolie show last night. Anyway, IMDB has a short paragraph which says director John Landis wanted the Sam Cooke version of “Blue Moon” playing during the transformation scene because he wanted to contrast the sadness of the song with the horror of the transformation. The composer, Elmer Bernstein, made an alternate music for the scene which never got used because Landis vetoed it.

That said, this is not going to be my usual tongue-in-cheek fake review with a lot of fibs and dad jokes. I should also mention that Sena watched the movie in a different room from mine because she doesn’t like the number of commercials on the Svengoolie show and switches channels a lot.

The movie is supposed to be a mix of comedy and horror and I liked that. Sena was a bit ambivalent about it but overall thought parts of it were pretty funny.

The movie opens with David Naughton (David Kessler) and Griffin Dunne (Jack Goodman) ignoring the advice of patrons at a tavern with the cheerful name The Slaughtered Lamb to stick to the road and avoid the moor. A werewolf attacks them, kills Jack but David is hospitalized with wounds. Jack appears to David periodically (each time more decayed) to tell him he needs to commit suicide in order to stop the werewolf bloodline so that Jack can die because he’s now undead.

Alex Price (Jenny Agutter) is David’s nurse in the hospital. She gets a crush on him and takes him home with her when he’s ready to leave. David’s doctor eventually gets the idea that he might be delusional about being a werewolf. David tries to convince Alex that he’s a werewolf by explaining the 1941 movie “The Wolfman.” The key is that he can be saved from his fate only by someone who loves him. Alex doesn’t get it—at first.

David’s transformation scene was pretty intense, which may be why neither of us actually heard Sam Cooke’s smooth delivery of the song “Blue Moon.” That might speak against Landis’s idea that a sad song might moderate the horror of David’s terrifying metamorphosis into a huge, demonic wolf. However, I did find out that the film’s composer, Elmer Bernstein, wanted to use a scary music. Landis wanted to use Cooke’s rendition of “Blue Moon” and prevailed. However, there’s a clip with Bernstein’s music, which is pretty intense. I didn’t much care for it, although Sena thought it fit better with the transformation.

There were actually three versions of the song “Blue Moon” in the movie: one by Bobby Vinton, one by Sam Cooke, and the third by The Marcels. Neither of us heard “Blue Moon” by Sam Cook. We couldn’t find evidence on the web that the Svengoolie version edited out the song. On the other hand, neither did we hear the sexually suggestive noises in the porno theater when David’s slaughtered victims give him helpful advice about how to commit suicide so that they can get out of limbo. Again, that’s because they’re undead and David has to kill himself in order for them to move on. Even his friend Jack, who was killed by the werewolf who attacked him and David early in the movie, supports this effort—although he scoffs at the idea of a silver bullet being the weapon of choice.

The link between the 1941 movie “The Wolfman” and “An American Werewolf in London” becomes clearer late in the film. Readers can figure it out.

There’s an Easter egg in this movie and it’s the Piccadilly Circus adult film theater marquee, “See You Next Wednesday.” This is a recurring gag in many films by John Landis. It’s a line from the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

“See You Next Wednesday” is a line from the 1968 film “2001: A Space Odyssey.” It is the last line spoken by Frank Poole’s father during Poole’s video message from his parents.

Sena and I both think the movie is pretty good and give it a Shrilling Chicken rating of 4.5/5.

Svengoolie Show Movie: “House on Haunted Hill”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

Right after Sena and finished the marathon Cribbage Rumble game last night, we watched the Svengoolie show 1959 movie, “House on Haunted Hill,” just like she said during the video. We’ve never seen the movie before, but Sena figured out whodunit pretty early.

I wanted to watch it because one of the stars played the part of a psychiatrist, Alan Marshall (Dr. Trent Long). Vincent Price played the heavy, a wealthy, sinister, and jealous husband, Vincent Price (Frederick Loren). Carol Ohmart plays his wife, Annabelle Loren.

Frederick arranges for 5 people who desperately need the $10,000 he offers each one if they survive the night in a haunted house full of ghosts and neurotic cribbage players.

The house itself is kind of a character, even though I don’t normally think of Frank Lloyd Wright as an architect who specialized in building haunted houses. It’s called the Ennis House and it’s in Los Angeles. It was also featured in the movie “Blade Runner.” It was built from precast, interlocked concrete blocks. It’s been bought and sold many times and I think it’s still owned by cannabis entrepreneurs. It’s perfect for the movie. The photo of the house demonstrates what happens to a place owned by pot salesmen.

By the way, Frank Lloyd Wright also designed several homes buildings in the downtown and Rock Glen areas of my hometown, Mason City, Iowa. I don’t think any of them are haunted.

The group of five money-hungry people includes, besides the psychiatrist, Dr. David Trent, played by Alan Marshal; Wilson Pritchard, a loser who believes in ghosts and booze, played by Elisha Cook Jr.; Lance Schroeder, played by Richard Long; the hysteric, Nora Manning, played by Carolyn Craig; and Ruth Bridges, played by Julie Mitchum. Special mention must go to the house caretakers: husband (Jonas, played by Howard Hoffman) and his mobile wife. She looks lie a zombie and she looked like she was riding a segway with her arms outstretched, apparently in order to stop herself from falling on what’s left of her face if she pitches forward off her segway (which is somehow delivered through a wormhole portal from 45 years in the future). Her name, of course, is Mrs. Slydes.

Annabelle and Frederick Loren are very unhappy with each other and she’s a little nervous about him because his last three wives all died under suspicious circumstances. Frederick is very jealous and thinks she’s unfaithful.

Dr. Trent is as physically imposing and dark as Frederick. He suggests that Nora take a sedative after she has several hysterical outbursts including seeing commonplace objects like severed heads in odd places—like her overnight bag.

Things ramp up in a hurry after Annabelle is discovered hanging and apparently dead. How she got that way is a mystery. It’s less mysterious in the scene in which her corpse is lying in bed and the close up shows her carotid pulse is clearly pulsating—which no one bothers to mention.

There’s scene in which a skeleton chases a very alive Annabelle around who screams her head off. Sena says strings were clearly visible attached to the skeleton. I didn’t see them, but the skeleton seemed to be as drunk as Pritchard, and clearly would never have passed a sobriety test.

The very generous Frederick Loren distributes guns to everybody which prompts Pritchard to insist they would be useless against ghosts, which in turn prompts Frederick to pistol whip him. Everyone just assumes that they all know how to handle a gun, even when Nora holds her pistol upside down and backward. Dr. Trent offers her a Valium, which she refuses and then kicks him in the groin, to which he responds by offering Freudian interpretations involving cigars. Mrs. Slydes then pops out of a sliding door in a wall on her souped-up segway and knocks everyone down as though they were bowling pins.

There’s not much to say that wouldn’t at least skirt the edge of being a spoiler. Sena calls Vincent Price “Vinny,” likes his acting and would give the movie a Shrilling Chicken Rating of 5/5. I would give it a 4/5, so we had to play rock, paper, scissors. I won so the rating is 4/5.

Svengoolie Show Movie: “The Mummy’s Hand” and Svengoolie Cameo

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

OK, I saw this movie The Mummy’s Hand (1940) last night and went to bed wondering if I was crazy or fell asleep briefly and had a dream during the show. I saw something incredible; it looked like Svengoolie had a cameo in the film! At about half hour or so in, the archaeologists are at the dig site looking at an old locket with photos of an old woman and a man. The old woman was Svengoolie in drag!

I checked this morning by looking at the Internet Archive version of the movie and there were two photos in the locket, one of them a man on the right and a woman on the left. Neither was Svengoolie.

I searched the web and immediately found the Svengoolie movie Facebook page in which several other people had seen that Svengoolie in drag was the picture on the left in the locket. Apparently, he pulls this kind of prank occasionally, but this was the first time I’ve seen it.

Anyway, the movie stars Dick Foran (Steve Banning), Wallace Ford (Babe Jenson), Peggy Moran (Marta Solvani), Tom Tyler (the Mummy), and Cecil Kellaway (Mr. Solvani). I didn’t expect the film to be a mix of comedy and horror, but making fun of the mummy tropes seemed to work.

I haven’t seen the first movie, “The Mummy.” I’ve seen “Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb,” (also on the Svengoolie show a couple of months ago) in which Babe was a little less funny than in “The Mummy’s Hand.”

The special Tana leaves again appear in this film, which privileged ancient Egyptians rolled up using Zig-Zag paper and smoked, which was better than the weak beer they made and could make mummies come back to life and enable them able to leap tall date palms in a single bound.

The evil Andohep (played by George Zucco), who is sweet on Marta and tries to flirt with her by enticing her with a Tana joint, controls the Mummy with a bong full of the stuff, which enables it to bound across the desert despite lacking the full use of its left leg and right arm.

The comedy duo of Banning and Babe talk Mr. Solvani (a stage magician) into bankrolling their next archaeologic expedition by causing a huge bar fight which Marta breaks up by using her karate skills although later she develops fake fainting spells which allow her to fall into Banning’s arms. Babe gets jealous because all he gets is a little dancing hula girl doll which seems a little out of place in the Egyptian desert but, whatever.

The action takes a side track when Babe tries to learn Mr. Solvani’s magic trick of seeming to swallow a fair size boulder but then makes it appear out of thin air to drop on a Bactrian camel (appeared in this film) which, while not native to Egypt, can gallop from central Asia to munch on Tana leaves, although apparently, they can be crushed by large rocks falling from Babe’s mouth, which occurs after he, seemingly choking on the rock, is saved by the Mummy who dislodges it by using the Heimlich maneuver. This brings them all together to fight for rescheduling Tana leaves to Schedule III by fooling all the DEA agents into believing they can learn to shoot like Marta, who’s a better shot than Annie Oakley.

This is a pretty good movie, mostly because of the Svengoolie cameo gag, and I give it a Shrilling Chicken Rating of 4/5.

Iowa Blizzard Update!

The blizzard started yesterday evening. I put out the garbage this morning and scraped out a path to our doorstep in case we get the cribbage boards delivered today from Canada. I’m not expecting it.

It’s still blowing snow around. The stuff is freezing on the driveway and the sidewalks. I’m surprised the garbage can is still upright. It won’t be a good day for using the electric snow shovel. The blades might not stand up to the thick icy crust. I’ll make do with the shovel. The plow just went by.

Looks like Bigfoot survived it.

Rash of Bigfoot Sightings in Ohio, So What About Iowa?

Actually, I should refer to the multiple sightings of Bigfoot as a flap. That’s proper terminology. The news story shows a video with the cryptid on it although I think it looks more like somebody smeared a chocolate bar on the camera lens.

There’s an organization called Bigfoot Society that is tracking the story. The Bigfoot Society Podcast by Jeremiah Byron of Earlham, Iowa posts weekly about Sasquatch sightings and lore. Here’s one about Iowa. There are a lot of ads periodically, so be patient.

There’s one thing I couldn’t find on the web and that’s the Iowa Bigfoot Information Center. There was a guy named Kevin Cook who was the head of it, but that was back in the late 1970s, which supposedly is when there were a lot of Bigfoot sightings. I found a really short article from September 24, 1978 published in the Des Moines Register about him.

I did a little digging and Kevin Cook partnered with another Bigfoot researcher named Clifford Labrecque to start the Iowa Bigfoot Information Center. Jeremiah Byron’s full YouTube presentation is sponsored by the Bigfoot Society Podcast and, unfortunately is available to members only. But there is a short teaser.

In the teaser, Byron interviews Kevin Cook and, although I can’t tell exactly how recent it is, I believe it was done shortly after Labrecque passed in 2021. The discussion mentions a prominent scientist, Dr. Jeff Meldrum, who has been interviewed on TV about Bigfoot. Unfortunately, he also passed in September of 2025. He was a full professor of Anatomy and Anthropology in the Dept of Biological Sciences at Idaho State University. He was a guest on some popular TV shows about Bigfoot (one of them misidentified him as being on faculty at Iowa State University). People are always getting Iowa mixed up with either Idaho or Ohio.

I’m reminded also of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO), which keeps records of Bigfoot sighting around the country and they also sponsor annual Bigfoot hunts in Iowa. They had one last year, but I couldn’t find out how that went. There’s 2026 Iowa BFRO Expedition, which starts next month, April 30-May 3. Details are available below the announcement. Guns and dogs are not allowed.

Sena and I have done our own Bigfoot expeditions and one of them is below. No need to thank us; it’s our pleasure to contribute to the scientific endeavor.

Upcoming Sven Squad Movie “Friday the 13th”

The upcoming movie with the Svengoolie Sven Squad this Saturday the 14^th comes a day late. It’s the very first “Friday the 13^th.” I’ve never seen it, but I think I’ve seen a couple of the 35 sequels. I always have to stop and think about how to distinguish the 1978 slasher “Halloween” from the 1981 slasher “Friday the 13^th,” which I think I saw.

I can’t, but that’s OK because I’ve been too busy trying to figure out why the name of the star of the first Friday the 13^thfilm sounds familiar to me. You’ll be thrilled to know that I finally remembered it’s Betsy Palmer from the old 1960’s TV show “I’ve Got a Secret.”

I think she wanted this movie to be a secret until it started making some real money.

Anyway, the movie starts with some guy in a hockey mask slashing various people who then hire a guy in a fancier mask to slash the first guy so they can go back to having casual you-know-what-kind of relations and shoplifting candy cigarettes from K-Mart, which by the way used to be Kresge’s which I am old enough to remember although I never shoplifted anything I swear. What happens next is that Slasher 1 and Slasher 2 meet on the street at high noon and threw samurai swords at each other, often missing and breaking Kresge’s windows until this wakes up Chuck Norris who is pretty annoyed and roundhouse kicks both Slashers into Saturn’s orbit although they manage to hitch a ride on one of those newfangled UFOs which resemble orbs, the extraterrestrial pilots of which hit the warp drive and shoot through a wormhole portal sending them backwards in time to 1977 and boy does that ever mess with the gyroscopes and scorch the spark plugs making it necessary to jettison a load of poorly mixed nuclear grade molten metals into a field in Council Bluffs, Iowa which for some reason did not lead to that fine community becoming a major tourist attraction, so…well, the film probably doesn’t go exactly that way but then I’ve never seen it so it doesn’t hurt to speculate a little bit.