Go Retire Psychiatrist

Svengoolie Show Movie: “The Car”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

We’ve never seen the 1977 movie “The Car” and it’s spooky because that’s the year Sena and I got married and only a few years later we got a big 1980s vintage Chrysler New Yorker that had an Electric Voice Alert (EVA) system. Not that the car in the movie talks, it just kills people—mainly good people. And the car in the movie was a Lincoln Continental.

There aren’t many demonic car jokes so I had to come up with one that fits the movie because there’s one out there which you can overthink. I had to make the car talk and you have to imagine it has an EVA system installed. You also have to be old enough to know what those old Chrysler New Yorkers usually said. Furthermore, you have to know that a priest uses something called a sprinkler (usually called by the Latin-derived name “aspergillum”) to apply holy water.

What did the demonic car say to the Catholic priest trying to exorcise it? “Your holy water fluid level is low!” Sorry.

Anyway, the movie stars James Brolin (Wade Parent, chief deputy), Kathleen Lloyd (Lauren Humphries, Wade’s girlfriend), R.G. Armstrong (Amos Clements, the dynamite guy; oh, my name is in this movie; that’s spooky!), Ronny Cox (Deputy Luke Johnson), John Marley (Sheriff Everett Peck), Eddie Little Sky (Denson), Margaret Willey (Navajo woman), among others.

Chief Deputy Wade Parent, a divorced guy with two daughters, and Lauren Humphries are sweethearts who plan to marry. The gist of the scene following the opener in which the car runs down two bike riders is that Amos Clements, the dynamite contractor who is abusing his wife, witnesses a guy get run over by the demonic car but then can’t come up with enough specifics about how to identify the car or its driver, which really makes Sheriff Peck mad, because he knows that Clements is abusing his wife, who Peck was sweet on in high school and has wanted to rescue her from the bad marriage.

The car is very choosy about who it kills—mainly good-hearted, kind, decent people. In fact, it spares the one baddy in the town, which is Clements, and instead runs over Sheriff Peck.

The only way you know this is that the one witness to the Sheriff Peck murder is the Navajo woman, whose story is mis-translated by the deputy Denson (later corrected by the dispatcher), who leaves out the part that the car swerved to miss Clements and went straight for Sheriff Peck, and that the Navajo woman didn’t see a driver.

Nobody ever “sees” the driver until the end and this review will not have spoilers. The car’s menacing approach is always preceded by a big wind which is sort of a mini haboob, after which people are knocked off.

The only place where people are spared is in the town cemetery, which the car never enters although it knocks down part of the entrance while Lauren makes a big show of jeering at it, calling it names, and just generally insulting it, for example:

“Nyahh, your window washer fluid level is low!”

“Your stick shift is crooked!”

“You’re too fat for your seatbelt!”

“Because you have no door handles, your door is ajar!”

This movie is OK, although there are some scenes in which overacting gets a little tedious. I give it a 3/5 Shrilling Chicken rating.

A Dose of the Mother

Sena had another dietary brainstorm and bought something called apple cider vinegar.

Warning: it contains a substance called “the mother.”

I’m not sure what the mother is, exactly, but I’m concerned that it might be something that would turn up as the main creature on a Svengoolie show movie. By the way, tonight it’s the 1977 release of “The Car.”

I was not sure whether I would want to consume anything that might contain vestiges (chunks?) of somebody’s mom. Hard to believe, this stuff has been around since 1912. What did the children think?

Actually, according to the first (and only) source I looked up on the web, the vinegar part got started by the Babylonians in 5000 B.C. Leave it to the Babylonians. You can mix it with moonshine to make werewolves. Think about that.

Sena thought I was going to look up scientific research about this. However, the claims that it makes mice smarter than humans is trivial. Just about every living creature is smarter than a human. Just read the news.

It turns out the mother is a mixture of acids that can make you hallucinate extraterrestrials and Bigfoot. You could use it as an underarm deodorant, but you might get sued by the maker of Lume deodorizer products.

There are a few tried and true effects of apple cider vinegar. You can soak your feet in it—if you don’t mind the incidental result nobody mentions, which is that your feet dissolve. You can get rid of fleas with it, but you might just want to visit a vet. And anything you can use as a weed killer should you make you think twice about drinking it. The bottle directs you to shake gently before using. You wouldn’t want to throw your hip out of joint.

Thank you for your time.

Sena Finds a Red-tailed Hawk Sitting on a Nest

Sena found a Red-tailed hawk on a nest in the outlot beyond our back yard. At first, I thought it was too early for that sort of thing. Sure enough, today we went for a walk and both saw it.

This has been a common theme for us. Over 20 years ago she saw a coyote in the back yard of another house in a different neighborhood. I didn’t really believe it—until our next-door neighbor asked us if we’d seen that “coyote” out in the back yard. We never got a chance to get a picture of it.

And then there was the time she saw (actually heard it before she saw it) a pileated woodpecker in the backyard of another house we lived in about 12 years ago. I doubted it then, too. But she got a picture to prove it. It just goes to show you—I never learn.

Dave Barry Beats TV

I’ve been sitting here reading Dave Barry’s book, “Best State Ever: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland.” It was published in 2016 and every time I read something from it, I laugh my fool head off. I used to have more than 20 of Barry’s non-fiction books. Now I have only this one. The others went to Goodwill during the many moves we’ve made.

Books are always better than TV. No matter what technology we have, TV is a disappointment. Half the time, our choices are mindless violence, sports, UFOs and Bigfoot, endlessly looping reruns of vintage programs only people my age remember, or loud and idiotic commercials. The other half the set is on the fritz.

I had more fun reading one chapter in Barry’s book than I’ve had in any given month of watching TV.

Admittedly, I have a couple of weaknesses for certain TV programs. The Svengoolie show is one of them. I watch the old schlocky horror movies mostly so I can do wacky fake reviews on my blog—which are fun to write. The other is the trilogy of Men in Black movies: Men in Black (1997), Men in Black II (2002), and Men in Black 3 (2012). I always look for them.

Dave Barry’s “Best State Ever…” book is the only book by him I have left of my former collection. This one is not going to Goodwill. Sometimes, it’s the only alternative to TV.

Me vs the Bilt Hard Steel Garden Cart

OK, so I’m the least handy guy on the planet and Sena got this do-it-yourself steel cart I had to assemble yesterday.

I’ve been on break from projects like this for a good while now. The instructions weren’t great, even though the box came with an extraterrestrial assistant.

That won’t help guys like me.

At first, I tried the instructions. I’m 71 years old and I had to sit cross-legged on the garage floor (yes, I’m complaining and that’s my constitutionally-guaranteed right!). My joints are still sore. I didn’t have the right size socket for the odd-size lock nuts, so I had to make do with a couple of adjustable wrenches.

Oh, and I had to check a YouTube video about how to cope with cotter pin installation for the wheels. I don’t care if I never have to pump air into them. I need more specific instructions than extraterrestrials are capable of giving.

OK, and who was in charge of making sure each and every one of the washers was packed with the parts? I know the instructions told me to check to see that every part was sent and wait for missing parts to be sent from the manufacturer first before attempting to assemble this product, but by the time I found out that only one washer was missing—I skipped it because by that time I was done with assembly—well, sort of done.

Did I mention that my joints are sore?

I tried to follow the instructions, but from my pictures you can see they didn’t help. The drawings weren’t that helpful, and the extraterrestrial was across the street smoking and joking with the construction workers across the street who no doubt could have assembled the Artemis II rocket blindfolded—with a fully functional toilet.

By the way, one of them had a clear line of sight into our garage, seemed to stare at my wonky project and probably wondered whether he should help me out. He probably knew I didn’t have the cart assembly right because I stood there staring at it with a baffled expression on my face.

And by the way—my joints are sore.

I could tell it wasn’t right because the sides were all at wonky angles. Sena knew it wasn’t right but didn’t mention anything about it after she saw it.

Finally, I found a video that clearly showed how to fix a wonky steel cart. I told the extraterrestrial assistant to take a hike and fixed the thing in a few minutes.

We have before and after pictures. Thank you for your time. I have sore joints.

9 Card Cribbage Wars Game Highlights

We’ve got a YouTube video of our 9 card cribbage wars game yesterday. I think it took at least half a dozen tries because the counts were so high. We used the skunked.club computer scorer, but it still took 70 minutes to finish the game.

The skunked.club scorer helped a lot but it doesn’t work if you need to count complicated runs containing any 10 cards. It’s OK with face cards, but it doesn’t handle ones and zeros in counting runs. It also doesn’t take suits into account so it won’t count the nob jacks or flushes. You’re on your own for those.

I just recorded the highlights because it took so much time to play and count the hand and crib scores.

We switched out 3 batteries for the camera to keep filming progress going although we also reviewed the clips in between. It was an all-day thing!

I don’t know if anyone else has ever tried to record a mashup game of 9 card cribbage and cribbage wars. What did I learn from it?

9 card cribbage should be outlawed!

Upcoming 9 Card Cribbage Wars Mashup!

Hey, this is an announcement of our forthcoming marathon 9 card cribbage wars mashup YouTube video. We played 9 card cribbage on our Cribbage Wars board. We made liberal use of the skunked.club computer scoring program, which is why I had the laptop computer on the table.

We had a fun, albeit at times confusing adventure on this experiment, which I don’t know if anyone’s ever attempted before. Give us a shout-out if you have!

Easter Monday Flowers

Today is Easter Monday, which is a part of Easter that we heard of for the first time today. That reminds me; we got some photos last week of daffodils and a purple flower we called a crocus—which is actually a hyacinth. So, I got another picture of the daffodils and hyacinths, which are popular flowers for Easter.

I’m not sure why we’ve never heard of Easter Monday before. I looked it up and it’s part of Eastertide, and it’s the second day of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also called Bright Monday.

In the U.S., Easter Monday is not a federal holiday, but it is in over 100 countries. I guess there’s a White House Easter egg roll, which I’ve never heard either. It’s observed in certain places in North Dakota.

Happy Easter Monday!

Svengoolie Movie: “An American Werewolf in London”

Svengoolie Intro: “Calling all stations! Clear the air lanes! Clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!”

Let me get this off my chest first. Sena and I watched the Svengoolie show the 1981 movie, “An American Werewolf in London” directed by John Landis last night and neither of us remember hearing Sam Cooke’s version of the song “Blue Moon” during the transformation scene when David Naughton (David Kessler) turns into a werewolf. We found other videos in which Cook’s smooth delivery of “Blue Moon” is clearly playing while David is morphing into a monster.

But neither one of us remembers hearing it on the Svengoolie show last night. Anyway, IMDB has a short paragraph which says director John Landis wanted the Sam Cooke version of “Blue Moon” playing during the transformation scene because he wanted to contrast the sadness of the song with the horror of the transformation. The composer, Elmer Bernstein, made an alternate music for the scene which never got used because Landis vetoed it.

That said, this is not going to be my usual tongue-in-cheek fake review with a lot of fibs and dad jokes. I should also mention that Sena watched the movie in a different room from mine because she doesn’t like the number of commercials on the Svengoolie show and switches channels a lot.

The movie is supposed to be a mix of comedy and horror and I liked that. Sena was a bit ambivalent about it but overall thought parts of it were pretty funny.

The movie opens with David Naughton (David Kessler) and Griffin Dunne (Jack Goodman) ignoring the advice of patrons at a tavern with the cheerful name The Slaughtered Lamb to stick to the road and avoid the moor. A werewolf attacks them, kills Jack but David is hospitalized with wounds. Jack appears to David periodically (each time more decayed) to tell him he needs to commit suicide in order to stop the werewolf bloodline so that Jack can die because he’s now undead.

Alex Price (Jenny Agutter) is David’s nurse in the hospital. She gets a crush on him and takes him home with her when he’s ready to leave. David’s doctor eventually gets the idea that he might be delusional about being a werewolf. David tries to convince Alex that he’s a werewolf by explaining the 1941 movie “The Wolfman.” The key is that he can be saved from his fate only by someone who loves him. Alex doesn’t get it—at first.

David’s transformation scene was pretty intense, which may be why neither of us actually heard Sam Cooke’s smooth delivery of the song “Blue Moon.” That might speak against Landis’s idea that a sad song might moderate the horror of David’s terrifying metamorphosis into a huge, demonic wolf. However, I did find out that the film’s composer, Elmer Bernstein, wanted to use a scary music. Landis wanted to use Cooke’s rendition of “Blue Moon” and prevailed. However, there’s a clip with Bernstein’s music, which is pretty intense. I didn’t much care for it, although Sena thought it fit better with the transformation.

There were actually three versions of the song “Blue Moon” in the movie: one by Bobby Vinton, one by Sam Cooke, and the third by The Marcels. Neither of us heard “Blue Moon” by Sam Cook. We couldn’t find evidence on the web that the Svengoolie version edited out the song. On the other hand, neither did we hear the sexually suggestive noises in the porno theater when David’s slaughtered victims give him helpful advice about how to commit suicide so that they can get out of limbo. Again, that’s because they’re undead and David has to kill himself in order for them to move on. Even his friend Jack, who was killed by the werewolf who attacked him and David early in the movie, supports this effort—although he scoffs at the idea of a silver bullet being the weapon of choice.

The link between the 1941 movie “The Wolfman” and “An American Werewolf in London” becomes clearer late in the film. Readers can figure it out.

There’s an Easter egg in this movie and it’s the Piccadilly Circus adult film theater marquee, “See You Next Wednesday.” This is a recurring gag in many films by John Landis. It’s a line from the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

“See You Next Wednesday” is a line from the 1968 film “2001: A Space Odyssey.” It is the last line spoken by Frank Poole’s father during Poole’s video message from his parents.

Sena and I both think the movie is pretty good and give it a Shrilling Chicken rating of 4.5/5.

“Life is Beautiful”

We heard the song “Life is Beautiful” by Keb’ Mo’ last night on the Big Mo Blues Show. It was released 20 years ago. Big Mo said it helped him get through a difficult time. We think the song is beautiful and so do hundreds of other people on the YouTube video posted 16 years ago.

Keb’ Mo’ also did a very fine cover of Bill Withers’ song “Lean on Me” a few years ago in tribute to Withers who was his friend and mentor.

It’s not worth debating whether this song is classifiable as Blues—it doesn’t matter. I think it’s notable that of the many songs I heard on the KCCK Big Mo Blues Show last night, the list of the songs he posted early this morning after the broadcast was very short. He posted only a few, and we’re glad he listed this one.

Most would agree that “Life is Beautiful” is a fine example of contemporary acoustic blues. Compared to what we might usually hear in music labeled as the blues you might think it’s the opposite—almost “too happy” and soul-soothing to be the blues. Blues isn’t always about badness in life.