I guess you have to be a certain age to develop the habit of doomscrolling. I’m not minimizing the problem. I just can’t see how anybody gets into it. I’m talking about digital news websites. It’s a tableau of yawners every day. It’s full of models, goggle-eyed golden retrievers, and ads for knuckle removers (“Do you want to remove your knuckles? Well, you’ve come to the right place and for just $19.99 and your first-born child….” It’s a real tabloid thing.
I used to deliver print newspapers, specifically the Des Moines Register. When I was a boy, I used to deliver it in Mason City, my hometown. I even got a certificate for making Honor Salesman. I never just tossed the paper on the driveway so it could get soaked in the rain or snow. I stuck it inside the storm door, which was nearly always unlocked. Remember those days? Of course not!
Winter deliveries were rough. I had to drag my wagon with all the papers in it through 2-foot-high snowdrifts. I needed a dog sled some days, especially with the Sunday edition.
I had to deliver to an old guy who cultivated giant Hollyhocks, some more than 7 feet tall with huge blossoms which attracted dozens of bumblebees as big as my head. His whole backyard was a small field of Hollyhocks. His front door was surrounded by them too and I was scared I’d get stung. I would hold my breath, approach slowly so as not to startle them, snatch open the screen door and fling the paper inside. The bumblebees would float toward me rumbling like they had Pratt & Whitney engines. I swear one of them growled “Who goes there?” at me.
I folded my newspapers, but I never banged them or threw them like the guy in the video talks about. If I ever tried to pitch my newspapers, I probably would have busted a window.
One of the things I enjoyed about the print newspaper back in the day was reading Dave Barry’s syndicated column. I was working at a hospital during a practicum rotation while working toward a Bachelor’s degree at Iowa State University. I got funny looks from people because I couldn’t keep from laughing. You can find a few of his vintage columns on his website.
And if you can’t scroll further than the length of your thumb on your smartphone screen without seeing a picture of a golden retriever—put your phone down.
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