Category: humor

AARP Sponsors the Rolling Stones!

We have noticed that the AARP is sponsoring the Rolling Stones Hackney Diamonds Tour 2024. I don’t think it’s necessary to point out that, with all due respect, the Rolling Stones have long ago passed fossil status.

I guess that means it’s fitting that the AARP sponsor a rock music group the members of which are eligible to join the organization formerly known as Prince. Sorry, I meant to say formerly known as the American Association of Retired Persons.

Obviously, the Rolling Stones are not thinking about retirement. But unless they can come up with a plausible explanation for the name of the tour, Hackney Diamonds, they should probably not be eligible for the free tote bag the AARP offers to those who become members.

A hackney is a horse drawn carriage. A diamond is a precious stone. The Rolling Stones have thankfully clarified that, obviously, the Hackney Diamonds tour name comes from the well-known legend of the hackney cab driver who drove through the streets of a town called Hackney in London in the 17th century, tossing out diamonds to passersby if they could guess how many angels could dance on the head of a pin during a snowstorm in the Sahara Desert.

That’s about as clear as the explanation given by Keth Richards and Mick Jagger in an interview with Jimmy Fallon as reported in an article written by Tom Skinner in NME on September 7, 2023.

Anyway, the Rolling Stones have been a big deal for decades, of course and they get mentioned in a lot of different ways. For example, in the movie Men in Black 3, there’s a conversation between Agent J and young Agent K in a café which is prompted by the need to eat pie in order to clear their minds of the case they’re working on which is trying to stop the murderous bad guy, Boris the animal, from destroying Earth. Young Agent K stipulates the rule is to talk about anything about the case and to let the pie do its magic. You’ll never guess what they talk about but it goes like this:

“Young Agent K: You said we don’t talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question. Anything you want, just as long as it doesn’t have to do with the case… just let her rip.

Agent J: What’s up with you and O?

Young Agent K: Me and O?

Agent J: Yeah, you and O.

Young Agent K: All right, all right… all right, this is it. A while back, I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He was in this British group, Rolling Stones…

Agent J: Rings a bell.

Young Agent K: We believed he’s on the planet to breed with Earth women, so I was in London and that’s when I met O. She’s smart, funny… great smile and we find ourselves in this pub, Whistler’s Bar, warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts till the sun came up, neither of us wanted to leave…”

And I can remember that Microsoft used the Rolling Stones 1981 song, “Start Me Up” in their promotion of Windows 95 computer operating system. You remember that; it was a total loser which led to the evolutionary creation of a dozen operating systems, all of them laughably dysfunctional. I should know—I bought all of them.

So, the Rolling Stones turn up a lot in pop culture. Everybody knows that. That’s in part because of their stamina—and maybe doggedly persistent denial of aging leading to a refusal to ever retire, just drop on stage because their bones finally disintegrate.

So, returning to the question of why AARP (pronounced arf only with a p on the end) is sponsoring the Rolling Stones tour. I have no clear idea except that I think the organization wants to broaden appeal for the organization so that more dues paying young people join, adding money to help support those over 50 to maintain financial stability and security.

What I don’t understand is that, in part, this implies trying to work as advocates (read “lobby”) in Congress. All those old farts in Congress can do is argue and a some of them should seriously think about retiring. If they can’t command respect, they could at least get a free tote bag by joining AARP.

But the Rolling Stones don’t need free tote bags. They’ve earned their fossil status many times over. On the other hand, I have earned my certificate from the state legislature.

Trapped Turkeys Make Great Escape Before Thanksgiving!

A couple of days ago we saw what I think is called a rafter of wild turkeys in our neighbor’s back yard. It’s fenced in and it looked like they were all toms. They acted like they couldn’t figure out how to get over the fence, even though they can fly.

There’s something ludicrous about a bunch of tom turkeys who are twitchy and apparently unable to just fly over the fence. This is despite the fact that I couldn’t see how the heck they got inside the fence in the first place—other than by flying over it. The gates are usually closed. On the other hand, there is a retaining wall on the other side of the yard that they could have just dropped down from.

Turkey see, turkey do.

I couldn’t see any hens; so maybe that means hens are smart enough not to get into situations like that.

A male and a female cardinal seemed to perch in a tree above the turkeys and maybe were trying to encourage them. A couple of toms who managed to fly out seemed also to be gobbling advice.

They started to get a clue about flying out after a while. Eventually they all flew out, but not before my camera’s battery power drained too low to capture the last escapees.

The Weather Guy

We like to watch the Weather Channel. One of the meteorologists is very conservative in his forecasts. He’s always hedging:

“And here we see a radar signal that might be indicative of a tornado, not saying it definitely is a tornado, just saying it might be, and over here in this county next to a major or minor highway are what appear to be remnants of an atmospheric river although that’s according to the GPS Model mind you, and you always have to remember the European Model might say something different about what might happen, not what’s going to happen mind you, just that it possibly could transform into a manifestation of the Norse god Thor who could have a huge hammer, although that’s from mythology so you can’t rely on that definitely and if you do, let me remind you that I have a lawyer who might just give you a telephone call if you happen to make the mistake of depending on a meteorologist to forecast anything exact and reliable for goodness sake, like the occurrence of a named storm in your vicinity which might be in the Midwest, or the eastern seaboard, you just can’t know with any degree of certainty now that climate change has us in its indefinable grip as we say, so you want to be prepared for whatever might occur, which could include skies that are clear to partly cloudy to filled with UFOs as far as the eye can see but take it from me you didn’t hear that from me.”

Boy, meteorologists have a tough job.

Another 2 Person Glow Ball Juggling Adventure!

Sena and I are still practicing the 2-person 6 ball pass juggling trick. We adjusted the colors on the glow balls so they all change color.

We count so we can stay in synch on the pass (1, 2, pass). We have to count the first two throws from the right hand only—which is sometimes still confusing since we’re used to counting both the left- and right-hand throws.

We have to pass a ball straight across from the right hand to the left hand of the partner. We’re slowly increasing the number of passes we’re able to make accurately while juggling the 3-ball cascade in between passes.

The balls are plastic, heavier than the smaller bean bags, and could hurt you if they fall on the wrong place—like your toe or your head. That’s why we both wear safety goggles.

We probably need steel toe boots, too.

New Aromatherapy Diffusers!

Sena got some new aromatherapy diffusers made by Studio 66. They have a magical glow. One has a design of cardinals on it and it is titled Winter Ice (or Mistletoe, depending on what side of the box you read). The box says it smells like sweet orange, warm cinnamon, juniper berries and eucalpytus. The other has a design of deer in the trees, called Enchantment or Cozy Cashmere. According to the box, it has notes of jasmine, sandalwood, and vanilla with a hint of sweet musk.

They were obviously designed and named by extraterrestrials, but they look nice. So far, I can’t smell them-which could mean the nasal implant the ETs jammed up my nose is dysfunctional.

New Step Platform for Climbing Stairs Exercise!

Yesterday we got the new aerobic step platform for cardiovascular health enhancement exercise. As I reported in October, climbing stairs can be very helpful in promoting cardiovascular health. This article summarizes the findings. At least 5 flights (around 50 steps of 10 stair steps) is said to be beneficial.

I climbed a lot of stairs in my career as a consulting psychiatrist in an 800-bed hospital. I don’t do anything close to that now, but I exercise pretty much daily. It limits my wardrobe.

My step counter app will track my stair step climbing on regular stairs in our house. However, it won’t count the steps I do on the step platform. It doesn’t really matter. I count everything else I do when I exercise, even on my anti-Peloton stationary bike, since the digital computer for monitoring my fitness level never worked. I also count the number of throws when I practice the 3-ball cascade juggling pattern (a hundred, often with 2 or 3 different sets of balls).

You can adjust the height on the platform by using risers, which can go up to 8 inches. That’s the usual height of the risers on regular stairs.

It’s not a Stairmaster by any means—but then it doesn’t cost $3,000 either.

The Geezer Remarks on Superfoods

Sena is big on eating healthy, which is a good thing. On the other hand, we don’t necessarily always like the same foods. And there’s the whole issue of what people call superfoods nowadays.

Funny, when I was a kid, I used to just refer to superfoods as “yuck!” There are variant spellings.

I read the Wikipedia entry on superfoods and it essentially says there is officially no such thing.

Take beets—please!

Sena’s big on Beets and Leeks. I’m not a big fan. I’ll eat them, of course. There’s nothing wrong with them that intravenous ipecac and a stomach transplant won’t fix. The drawback is the medical bill.

I don’t think we’ve ever had kale. Does that make the superfood list? I think it’s the same thing as mustard greens, okra, and other building materials similar to shingles.

I tried okra when I was a student at Huston-Tillotson University (then Huston-Tillotson College). I was offered this slightly slimy substance as part of a dinner at the home of my Religion and Philosophy professor and his family. It’s slimy because it contains mucilage, which is (correct me if I’m wrong but I’ll naturally ignore you) also the name of the glue we used in grade school to make valentine cards.

In fact, think of any food you dislike as intensely as any medication or tonic you had to take when you were a kid. That would be classified as a superfood. I had to take a tablespoon of mineral oil a day, which is a substance very much like mucilage.

I found out that millet is marketed as a superfood. That’s funny, because it’s also used as a filling for juggling balls. When you work up an appetite juggling, you can just bust open one of the balls and snack on a handful of bird seed, which is what millet really is.

Actually, superfoods come in handy in case you’re abducted by extraterrestrials. Whenever they look like they’re getting ready to jam some kind of implant up your nose, offer them a juggling ball. Just tell them to keep chewing through the leather shell until they get to that tasty millet center. This will give you time to write down the driving directions to the nearest barbecue joint for them (Jimmy Jack’s Rib Shack in Iowa City for example).

Anytime you need any more expert advice on superfoods, just let me know. I’m not available.

We Juggled on Our Anniversary!

Guess what we did on our anniversary yesterday? We juggled! We got another set of 3 glow balls so we could try the 2-person 6 ball pass juggling trick.

The glow balls are plastic and filled with plastic pellets. They are uniform in size and weight and have 20 different colored light modes and patterns. They are USB rechargeable. The manufacturer says they are “made to take a beating—without being too hard.”

That said, we still suggest you consider wearing safety goggles.

This is a challenging juggling trick because you have to be almost perfectly synchronized with your partner. We drop the balls a lot, but we’ve improved even since the first time we practiced. We still jitterbug around a lot and we work hard at keeping up the “1, 2, Pass” count.

You have to be pretty solid juggling the 3-ball cascade. We get a lot of practice because it’s hilarious.

Happy 46th Wedding Anniversary!

It was 46 years ago today Sena and I were married at the Little Brown Church in the Vale in Nashua, Iowa. I was a skinny guy with a big afro. She was and is a beautiful bride.

We cut the wedding cake together. We fed each other big bites. It was the biggest event of our lives.

There were other big events. The trip to Vegas and marveled at the Bellagio fountains. The helicopter ride over the Niagara Falls. The view over New York City from the Empire State Building. That was my first senior discount ticket. Sena holding a little alligator in Miami. The Lincoln Book Tower in Washington, D.C. Festooned with the birds of Hawaii.

Wherever we went, whatever we did, we were always together. She’s always fearless. She’s gone with me wherever I went, even when I was wrong. I am often wrong—but I was right about marrying her.

Gearing Up for Juggling!

Well, Sena and I have been practicing the 2-person 6 ball pass juggling trick. It’s a trick just to get synchronized. Timing is everything—and so is aim.

Sena and I both have a tendency to throw balls too high, too low, high and outside, etc. It’s Sena’s low line drive pitch I’m worried about mainly. Safety goggles are mandatory, but I’m starting to worry about other parts of my anatomy. These are the parts which call for groin armor.

In fact, why not just go all out and get a suit of armor? It might be harder to move around—but at least I’d be protected.

Sena ordered some new juggling balls. Unfortunately, none of them are soft. In fact, she ordered another set of 3 plastic glow balls, in addition to the set we already have. They’re big. They could hurt me.

And they will have an evil glow when they do. Don’t send me your prayers; get well cards are fine.