humor – Page 96 – Go Retire Psychiatrist

Mountain Monsters Mooners Mothballed

I just noticed that the Travel Channel may have cancelled the Bigfoot hunter parody Mountain Monsters show. There were 268 comments complaining about it and I don’t think any of them realized that the show is a parody.

The first time we saw it about a month ago we laughed ourselves silly. The second time I saw it, which was the following week, the whole gang of them mooned the camera. Maybe that’s why they got cancelled. Or maybe they knew they were going to be cancelled and mooned the camera as a parting shot.

I’m not sure why anyone tries to produce a serious show about Bigfoot and cryptid chasers. You never see anything. The camera pans and the flashlights stab the dark forest, bigfoot hunters whistle, howl, knock on trees, and—the woods are empty.

The only Bigfoot I’ve ever seen in these shows is a GI Joe style doll strapped to a guy’s backpack.

The serious Bigfoot hunters all talk in loud stage whispers, say swear words so they can get bleeped, which supposedly is more realistic, yet never find so much as a turd proving that the beast moves its bowels occasionally.

That’s why Mountain Monsters was so funny. You knew they were lampooning the whole idea and looked like they were having a great time doing it. Whoever saw a Smoke Wolf outside of a cartoon panel?

We fell over laughing at Wild Bill imitating a Bigfoot having diarrhea in the woods. Where could you find a gun like his but in the Walmart toy section?

Americans need to laugh more. That’s why the Travel Channel should sign those guys up for another season.

But please—no more mooning.

Update: I think you can view episodes on Dailymotion at this link.

Featured image picture credit: pixydotorg.

Wisconsin Cribbage Board Arrives

We got the Wisconsin state map cribbage board yesterday and there’s a little story behind it, right off the bat. It was delivered by the United States Postal Service (USPS) and I remember the slap as it hit our porch from the USPS worker just tossing the package.

When we opened the package, it turned out to be not the board we ordered. It was not as thick as the Iowa cribbage board and it didn’t have a storage space on the back for pegs. The packing material for the Wisconsin board was not as interesting as that used for the Iowa board, which was packed using a local newspaper with a sermon on one of the pages, “In times like these we turn with trust to God.”

In contrast, the Wisconsin board was shipped from the same place in Minnesota, but this time in a plain white USPS envelope, conventionally secured with eBay tape, bubble wrap, and a plain brown shopping bag. No sermons.

Sena arranged to return it for a refund (which was the only choice other than having the exact same item reshipped from the seller), carefully rewrapped it and drove out to a couple of the UPS stores—both of which happened to be closed yesterday. She was late by just a couple of minutes.

This morning we noticed that the seller sent an email apologizing about shipping us the wrong board and offered us the choice of shipping it back for the full refund or keeping it at 70% off the price. We took the latter.

We’re now brushing up on our memories of Wisconsin, chuckling at our snapshots, and considering using the deck of cards we got at Lost Canyon gift shop at Wisconsin Dells, where we took the horse-drawn wagon tour 13 years ago.

Lost Canyon wagon tour in Wisconsin Dells

Scrabble Babble

The other day Sena and I played a close game of scrabble—close that is until I challenged her play of the word “Xi.” I lost a turn because in our brand spanking new Scrabble dictionary it’s defined as a Greek letter.

Later, I knew better than to challenge her play of “Ka,” which I looked up after the game. It means the spiritual self of a human being in Egyptian religion. I ended up losing the game.

She plays a Scrabble video game and got a Bingo recently, which got her 80 points. On the web a Bingo is defined as playing all seven tiles, and you get 50 points. I guess that’s the difference between playing the video Scrabble game and playing a human being, whether of the Egyptian religion or not.

We also used a brand-new Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition, during a different game. We used that and I challenged her play of “dic.” I guess you know what’s coming.

As you can probably guess, “dic” is not a word, but those of us with dirty minds know full well that “dick” is a slang term that can mean penis, detective, or surprisingly, nothing. The nothing definition reminded me of the Men in Black scene in which the soon-to-be Agent J is riding down the elevator with Agent K, explaining that because he was chosen by the MIB organization, that means they recognize all of his skills. Agent K makes the deflating remark that all of his skills mean “precisely dick.”

I know you’ll be fascinated to learn that the nothing meaning of dick is not in the Scrabble dictionary nor is it in the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary.

So, remember that the next time you play Scrabble. On the other hand, if you don’t play Scrabble, this means precisely—detective.

Musing on Coincidences

We’re waiting for another state road map cribbage board, this one is Wisconsin. If you’ve seen the cribbage game video we made, “Pegging Around Iowa,” you get the idea.

We’ve been to Wisconsin, briefly. It’s a complicated story. It was roughly 13 years ago. We moved to Madison so I could make another stab at private practice psychiatry.

During the lunch break between interviews, I read The Onion for the first time. It was set up as a college newspaper in which none of the stories were factually accurate—and wildly satirical. I thought it was really funny. It started back in 1988 in Madison, Wisconsin. It’s now based in Chicago. They published a large paperback book entitled The Onion Book of Known Knowledge: A Definitive Encyclopaedia of Existing Information.

I’m pretty sure none of the information was true. I owned a copy, but the print was so small, I couldn’t read it without a magnifying glass. It either got lost in one of our moves or I got rid of it.

Scott Dikkers was one of the originators. Coincidentally, in 1993 he was interviewed by a columnist for The Daily Iowan, the University of Iowa college newspaper. Scott also wrote a cartoon called Jim’s Journal. This is another coincidence because I kept a sort of diary in between blogs for a while a few years ago. I called it Jim’s Journal. Back in 1993 I wasn’t paying attention then to The Onion or much of anything else except surviving my first year of residency in psychiatry at Iowa.

The Onion was one of my favorite reminders of Madison. We loved living there, but unfortunately, I disliked private practice. We moved back to Iowa, but not before doing a lot of fun things in Madison and places nearby.

Another coincidence that is admittedly minor is that, several years ago I accidentally walked into an auditorium ready to present my Grand Rounds lecture to a crowd. The only hitch was that it was the wrong crowd. I had arrived early and the previous group was still in the auditorium. That was embarrassing. When it was time for my performance, I sort of ad libbed a series of jokes about my blunder. This got me an award from the residents—Improvisor of the Year.

I think I also blogged about the experience and used a feature image of myself with the caption, “And now for the juggling of produce,” a reminder of my clownish performance at the Grand Rounds. If you look closely, you can see one of the produce items is—you guessed it, an onion.

Years later, I happened to find a video of older people being interviewed on their 100^th birthday. They were in Madison. I left a comment saying I thought it was a gas. I still do. Coincidentally, I worked at St. Mary’s Hospital, albeit briefly. I left that comment in 2012, about 3 years after I returned to Iowa.

And, coincidentally I found another video that sends pretty much the same message, pertinent to our times. It was taken for a January 2021 news story about a lady named Mary Gerber who was celebrating her 100^th birthday who had volunteered for 33 years at St. Mary’s Hospital and got her first Covid-19 vaccine.

These coincidences happen only occasionally, but continue to reverberate in our lives, even to this day. I think of the 2002 alien invasion film, Signs. In it, the lead character is Graham Hess, a local pastor who has given up being a minister because he’s lost his faith related to his wife dying in a car accident. He and his brother Merrill are discussing the many lights in the sky (UFOs) that have been seen recently. I think of what he says,

People break down into two groups. When they experience something lucky, group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, as evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I’m sure the people in group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation is a fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they’re on their own. And that fills them fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there’s a whole lot of people in group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they’re looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever’s going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?

Merrill answers “I’m a miracle man.”

I’m not sure yet what group I fall into. Things happen sometimes that make me hope there are miracles.

We Hung a Wall Clock and Survived

Today Sena and I hung a wall clock. It was not just any wall clock. We got tired of hearing the darn ticking noise on our old clock. Sena got a non-ticking silent wall clock made by a company called Plumeet.

I could not find a video that showed exactly how you use the provided no trace nail hanger hook for hanging the clock on the wall. There were plenty of short videos on how great the clock looks and how quiet it is—but it was never running and no one ever showed you how you install it on a real wall in real life. So we made one.

It’s harder than it looks to fix the no trace nail hanger hook to the wall. The nails are tiny and tend to pop out of the hanger as you hammer them. They are hard to find in the carpet fibers. There are no discernible nail heads. The obvious advantage of that is to make it so much easier to mash your fingers instead—which is more entertaining.

The instructions don’t make it much easier because they’re comical. Be sure to read the first sentences in the Note and in the Tips sections.

Notes: “When the clock walks incorrectly or stops walking, please replace the battery.”

Tips: “When you are not in use, please uninstall the batteries and lay up the item in a dry place.”

Whenever you see a clock walk incorrectly, you should immediately stop smoking or drinking whatever chemical you got. If they are not illegal and you have not consumed too much, then schedule an emergency eye clinic appointment where you can get your eyes dilated with mydriatic drops, rendering you completely incapable of seeing anything with any clarity whatsoever. That will at least give you something else to worry about.

And when you are not in use, you should either take a nap or reconcile yourself to being retired. Counseling is available and you should energetically avoid it, as usual.

The Plumeet is a silent clock. It makes no ticking sound whatsoever. And it’s about as difficult to hang on the no trace nail hook as it would be to hang on any other hook.

That’s because there’s no difference in the way you actually hang it from the hole in the back of the clock. Whether you use the no trace nail hanger hook or a Highway Thru Hell snatch block, you’ll still have to go by feel and peek a few times around the side of the clock to figure out how to actually hang it. Luck plays a significant role.

Read the instructions for fun. They are also written in German, which may or may not be helpful or amusing.

Knock Down Furniture Will Knock You Down

There are many names for ready-to-assemble furniture, including flat pack furniture, or knock down furniture. We’ve never bought IKEA furniture, but it’s the same kind of thing and there are a ton of memes about it.

I kind of like the name “knock down furniture” because it best explains how we feel sometimes after we’ve tackled a tough project—like the chair we got recently. It looked like a simple chair, but it came with a tiny Allen wrench and there were way too many bolts, two different kinds of washers, those fussy little barrel nuts that drive you nuts, dowels, screws and you needed extra tools besides the Allen wrench (well, just a Phillips head and a flat head screwdriver). I guess I got spoiled after getting a mini-rachet driver Allen wrench in addition to the manual one which came with the platform bed kit we recently got.

The dreaded Allen wrench and other offenders

It took us all day to figure out how to get the seat back to fit between the legs so the bolt holes would line up. We came really close to deciding we’d have to return it. I installed the apron (the part which fits between the two legs in front and requires dowels for which you need a mallet) upside down. I’m not blaming it completely on the instructions—OK, I am blaming it completely on the instructions. Sometimes a thousand words would be better than a lousy picture.

By the way, I think Allen Wrench Arthritis (AWA) is a thing.

Contrast that with the love seat which was much larger, did not require any tools at all and barely took 30 minutes to assemble. We didn’t break a sweat. The only reason I look forlorn in the picture of me holding up the seat back is because I’m still suffering from PTSD after the little chair assembly.

I think the best knock down furniture piece would require no tools, have only 4 or five pieces to sort of snap together and take no more than 20 minutes to assemble.

Greenhorn Green Screen

Yesterday, the Elgato Green Screen arrived and unboxing took longer than deploying the green screen itself, which just pulls up and pushes back down into its case. You can see how it works on my YouTube channel. I had to update this post this morning when Sena reminded me that today is St. Patrick’s Day!

Actually, making a green screen video was harder—but not terribly hard. I think the software for processing a green screen project probably differs from brand to brand, although I can’t swear to it. Anyway, I used Power Director and the instruction from PowerDirector University were really helpful. Frankly, I tried so many times to make a halfway decent video that I got plenty of practice.

I even tried to make a really bizarre green screen by wearing my green shirt. Much to my surprise, it didn’t really make any difference, which shows how little I know about this.

I was a little worried about the lack of light control I had. I have big faux wood blinds in my office but I moved the screen closer to the back of my chair and that seemed to help. I had to be very mindful that it was right behind me so I would avoid running over it with my chair.

The first few videos I made I looked like a monster because my eyeglasses, my eyes, and even the inside of my mouth gleamed with bright, ghostly lights. The more I tinkered with the chroma key and denoise control, the less prominent they got. If you notice, I still look a little green around the gills. I need practice.

The screen came with a few instructions:

Use the central handle to extend or contract the screen; try to avoid touching the screen itself.

Be careful when setting up near children.

Only use the central handle to raise and lower it so you won’t jam your fingers.

Use the stabilizer feet; otherwise, it will fall over.

When not in use, lay the screen horizontally on its feet.

Don’t leave the screen exposed to direct sunlight.

Don’t attach items to the screen.

Don’t set it up in areas prone to strong air currents, which can make the screen and move and compromise image quality.

Keep the screen free from dirt and dust; if it needs cleaning use a soft cloth with water and mild, neutral detergent. Never use benzene, thinner, and other volatile agents because they can cause permanent damage.

Don’t iron the fabric; small wrinkles will smooth out with time.

Have fun!

Mydriatic Madness

I got my eyes examined yesterday. They put mydriatic drops in like they usually do. It’s been a while since my last exam. I remember a long time ago the eye clinics used to give you a free pair of those flimsy paper sunglasses to cut down on the glare and blurriness. I see them going on Amazon for $30-$60 bucks for 50-100 count boxes.

Anyway, they put the mydriatic drops in and after a few minutes, I was blind as a bat. I had to use the restroom and ended up talking to a mop for a couple of minutes. I thought it was strange that a skinny old guy would wear gray dreadlocks.

When I got back in the hallway, I was somewhat disoriented. I walked up and down the hall and must have got off on a side route somehow. I stopped next to a counter, just trying to get my bearings and a guy wearing a white cap asked me,

“Sir, would you like a corn dog? It’s made from plants!”

I said, “Hm, how much?”

“Only $15.99!”

“Excuse me while I check your rating with the Better Business Bureau.”

His face looked like it was starting to drip.

I walked briskly away and eventually found myself in a dark, blurry hallway. I stumbled through a swinging door and heard somebody exclaim,

“Oh no, the surgeon just fainted! Quick, get that guy scrubbed and gowned!”

I haven’t been in surgical garb since medical school, and never that fast. I was a little concerned and asked,

“How did you drag the surgeon out so quickly?”

A scrub nurse snapped, “Doctor, it’s an emergency penectomy! Here.”

Everything was blurry. Something slapped into my hand and it had a trigger. When I pressed it, there was a noise like a mini buzz saw.

“Can anyone direct me back to the eye clinic?”

“Hurry, doctor, it’s about to burst!”

Somebody bumped my arm, and I heard a scream. I said,

“Isn’t the patient anesthetized?”

“Doctor, you got the scrub nurse!”

The floor was getting slippery for some reason and I stumbled to my hands and knees. I managed to get out of the operating room. When I got to my feet, I ditched the scrubs but kept the skull cap because it had some nice red spots on it. Skull caps are usually pretty drab.

I heard somebody shout, “Call Security! The guy is wearing a bloody skull cap!

I sure didn’t want to run into that guy, so I veered into a brightly lit hallway away from all the noise. Bright lights worsen the glare you get after mydriatic drops, so I had even more trouble seeing. It led to what turned into an elevator. It was full of people in dark clothes. When the elevator stopped, I could feel the wind. Apparently, we were on the roof. There was a deafening whirring noise. I had to yell over it,

“Am I anywhere close to the eye clinic?”

“Don’t worry, doctor, remember to duck your head as you board the helicopter. We have to move fast!”

The view of the hospital campus is spectacular from the air. When the air ambulance attendants realized their mistake, they lowered me in a basket back down to the door outside the eye clinic. I was glad to get back inside because it gets a little chilly in a helicopter.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late!) I got squared away with, among other things, a new prescription for eyeglasses and a fine for practicing surgery without a license.

I had no trouble finding my way back to the parking ramp. Horns were honking everywhere. Everybody was pressing their car key fobs to find their vehicles. I think most of them were leaving the eye clinic.

Picture credit: Pixydotorg.

Green Shirt Green Screen

In a couple of days, I’m going to get a green screen delivered. I hope it works to create special photo and video effects I wouldn’t otherwise be able to pull off—unless I used an old green shirt like I did for the chicken wishbone video. The wishbone is obviously way out of scale compared to the chicken, which is one of several sculptures on the Iowa River Landing Sculpture Walk in Coralville installed in 2013. It’s called Iowa Blue: The Urbane Chicken.

The green screen I’ll get is more professional and will likely take alien guidance to learn how to use it properly. Since aliens never reply to emails (greenguy@galaxy9dotorg) or take phone calls, I’ll have to get directions elsewhere. The link is to a website where I saw the abbreviation TLDR for the first time; it means “too long; didn’t read.” It’s very long, but I did read a fair chunk of it.

I used the green shirt sleeve to help me edit my video in order to make a composite of the wishbone and The Urbane Chicken. I just set the chicken bone on it and made a short video of it. Then I used video editing software to clean out all the green from the chicken bone video and superimposed it on the big chicken photo, making it look like an alien object hovering next to the chicken.

I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I did it anyway. I’m hoping I’ll have better luck with a real green screen, if I can figure out how to use it.

Watch Yourself

I watch the Weather Channel TV shows Highway Thru Hell and Heavy Rescue 401 and I hear a lot of the towing guys say “Watch yourself!” Often, they say this as they’re about to pull a jack knifed semi out of a ditch. Sometimes a rigging line breaks and a large hook will snap back at lightning speed, which can take your head off, even if you are watching out for it.

I notice many of the older tow crew members are now saying while grinning at the camera things like, “I think it’s really important to teach the younger generation the things I know because I’m not going to be doing this forever, and I’d like to retire sometime in the near future and let somebody else watch out for flying snatch blocks and tow hooks which can take your head off, which would not necessarily be painful because you might die instantaneously, but then there are those other inconvenient consequences like funerals and insufficient life insurance policies with bizarre exclusion clauses disallowing benefit payouts to grieving widows and children because of deaths caused by non-Underwriters Laboratories certified flying snatch blocks and tow hooks, unpaid mortgages and loans for things like exorbitantly expensive snatch blocks, tow hooks, not to mention multi-ton wreckers and rotators.”

Anyway, the expression “Watch Yourself” could also figuratively mean being mindful. Mindfulness meditation has taught me to notice more about what’s going on inside and outside my head.

I do daily sitting meditation, although I may miss a day here and there. And by sitting, I want to make it abundantly clear that I don’t assume the lotus position. My joints are stiff enough that, when I try to stand up, they might have enough spring steel energy stored to whip loose, similar to flying snatch blocks and tow hooks.

While I’m sitting, I do a lot of thinking. By the way, it’s not a mistake to think and feel a lot of different thoughts and emotions during mindfulness sessions. That’s one of several myths about mindfulness. It’s not mandatory or even possible to shut off your yammering mind. I can choose to focus my attention on it or not.

If I try to shut my internal talk off for any length of time, it’s like gripping a slippery valve. Sooner rather than later, my grip slips and thoughts explode like flying snatch blocks and tow hooks. I watch myself and I notice when I’m thinking my hands get tense. As soon as I notice that, my hands relax and I focus on breathing—or maybe it’s the other way around.

Watch yourself.