All I Want is a “Big-Ass Neuralyzer”

OK, we gave up on the wedge concept for eliminating or even mitigating the snoring problem. We bought an “extra bed” for those nights when sawing logs gets above the decibel level gets above pain level. We didn’t have to spend thousands of dollars because we got a DIY project. We figure it’ll be far better than trying to get by with the air mattress.

We ordered a Zinus platform bed and mattress and assembled it yesterday. We don’t believe the one reviewer who claimed he finished it in a half hour. It took us all day and I would just as soon forget at least certain parts of that ordeal, including the reason for it. So, the next thing I’m ordering is a “big-ass neuralyzer” from Walmart.

I’ve included a slide show below, and I’m considering a YouTube production about it as well. It was literally a bed in a box—boxes actually; the mattress was sent separate from the platform bed.

Zinus sent the tools—all but one smaller size allen wrench than the 3/16 inch included. It’s a good thing I’ve got a couple of sets. One of the side rails came with the part with the Velcro that holds the wood slats upside down. If you’re interested, have a 5/32 inch on hand, just in case. Sena noticed it first. Lucky all I had to do was flip it around.

Zinus sent a cute little ratchet allen wrench. It’s about as long as your middle finger. It slips a little so snugging the screw finger tight is a good idea before trying the ratchet. Sometimes it’s better to use the regular allen wrench.

If you’re thinking about getting something like this, it might be a good idea to wait before you tighten everything down. There are some pretty skinny tolerances between the side rails and the slats were kind of a tight fit, too.

The mattress came with a warning:

“This mattress knows Kung fu and may unroll itself at lightning speed. Keep small pets and children free from its kick radius. Please be extra careful when cutting it free from its bindings.”

No problem. I got my nosebleed stopped in just minutes. Remember, never tip your head back, pinch your nose, and be patient.

It looks like it’ll be more comfortable than the air mattress. We’re not thrilled about separate beds. The next home improvement project will be working on the laundry.

Journey to the Center of the Snore

Sena and I snore. There, I said it. We’ve been snoring for years. It’s been getting a little worse for a while now and we’re finally exploring ways to deal with it. I snore by puffing out my cheeks and blowing, and Sena snores by blowing the pictures off the walls.

The separate bedrooms option was a bust after a few days. We missed each other. We have a couple of air mattresses left over from last year when we had our wood floors refinished and had to camp out in our basement. We tried taking turns on it.

It’s very cold in the basement. We have this old space heater which heats for about 10 minutes, then shuts down and buzzes for an hour or so—very hypnotic.

There’s a trick to getting into and out of an air mattress that sits only a few inches off the floor. If you don’t roll off the mattress onto your hands and knees and then push yourself up to a stand, you end up trying to do extreme deep squats and tip over a few dozen times before giving up and rolling over to the space heater to grab onto for leverage, which then rolls away on its casters.

We’ve tried those polyurethane foam wedge pillows, the kind that make you feel like you’re sliding into your belly. That’s fun. We also have some memory foam pillows. Those who have been there know where we’ve been.

We keep finding out about new advances in the world of snore relief. There are thousands of brick-and-mortar mattress stores where you can find people who can tell you with straight faces there is a ton of research out there showing this or that arcane method has scientific evidence supporting the opportunity for you to shell out thousands of dollars for this or that sure fire method for eliminating snoring in seconds or your money back when hell freezes over—and those are just the other customers.

There are motorized, voice-controlled adjustable beds which cost only millions of dollars if you have the right coupons. You can try any of the several dozen on line stores where you buy a bed in a box, which a guy started back in 2007 and which has since mushroomed into a giant industry. You get this memory foam or hybrid memory foam and spring mattress which has been packed under very high pressure into a cabinet-size box and delivered to your doorstep. The minute you open it, the bed explodes into your face, knocking you unconscious, which temporarily cures the snoring problem by putting you into a coma for weeks.

The adjustable beds are very expensive and will set you back several thousands, especially if you buy the option allowing the manufacturer to track your sleep data and send it to aliens throughout the galaxy and beyond who are working out new ways to control the human race.

The wedge concept is huge in the snore relief mattress industry. There is a thing called the Mattress Genie. It’s an inflatable bag which you stick under your mattress and inflate with the touch of a button on a remote control. It reminds me of those airbags I see on shows like Highway Thru Hell, which the heavy wrecker crews use to raise semi-truck trailers off the ground in the ditch where the drivers have jack-knifed their vehicles because they were too busy on their cell phones to watch the road. They tend to pop out at speeds which could probably knock out your average heavy wrecker guy.

The mattress industry says “snoring is prevalent in 45% of normal adults.” They’re really big on the wedge concept and how raising the head of the bed is the way to go. We’ve read a lot of reviews by customers about the various products. Usually, there are many people who rave about how good the wedges are. There a few who just rave.

I was able to find one scientific study, Wilhelm, E., Crivelli, F., Gerig, N. et al. The anti-snoring bed – a pilot study. Sleep Science Practice 4, 14 (2020). The conclusion in the abstract says “The anti-snoring bed is able to stop individual episodes of habitual snoring without reducing the subjective sleep quality.” However, the authors hedge on the wedge several times in the discussion section of the article and finally end up saying “Further studies are needed to investigate whether Anti-snoring beds are a valuable alternative to conventional positional therapy.” I don’t know if they’ve been done, but many people swear by the wedge concept.

In fact, we’ve been experimenting with our wedge pillows by placing them between the mattress and foundation. Last night was a good night. No snoring, although we tended to slide downhill. We’re shopping for a mattress elevator wedge, which slopes gradually from head to foot.  

We just have to keep trying.

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