Category: humor

Taming the Juggling Balls

As of November 7, 2022 it has been 22 days since I purchased the Learn to Juggle kit from Barnes and Noble. So far, my learning experience reminds me of a story by Mark Twain, “Taming the Bicycle,” which was published posthumously—obviously after he succumbed from his injuries in the attempt to ride the high-wheeled bicycle in the early 1880s.

Just kidding of course, about his death from the bicycle riding adventure. He did mention using about a barrel of something called Pond’s Extract, which was a liniment for scrapes and other wounds.

Twain was writing about learning something new—a thing all of us are called on to do many times in our lives. He didn’t try to learn to ride the bicycle until he was over 50 years old.

I didn’t try to learn how to juggle until was well past my mid-sixties. How do you account for decisions to embark on new hobbies, adventures, and other nonsense at an age when most people would be content vegetating on the porch or in front of the TV?

I just answered the question, in case you didn’t notice.

Anyway, I am making some progress as juggling, although it’s uneven. It’s hard to believe, but sometimes I think I juggle better as I wander around. I think it might be because there is a natural tendency to throw the balls away from you. That way, I look more adept simply because I’m making a frequently observed beginner’s mistake. But I seem to be steadier even when I walk backward a few paces.

 When I stand firmly in one place and attempt to juggle, I can often barely make it past half a dozen throws. Wandering a little, I have made thirty throws.

But then, randomly, the opposite occurs and the theory fails.

Counting the number of each throw seems to help—occasionally. I also notice that unscheduled, short practice episodes for 10 minutes or less work better than struggling along for a half hour or so at set times.

I don’t dread the practice sessions; in fact, I have a sort of itch to juggle at various times during the day. Sometimes I believe I do it to help me collect my thoughts, to keep my hands occupied, or just to pass the time.

I remember learning to ride the bicycle for the first time when I was a kid. I fell down a lot, just like Twain did—until I got the hang of it. Maybe juggling will turn out to be the same.

But I won’t need Pond’s Extract for juggling mistakes—as long as I don’t try juggling while climbing or descending stairs.

Total Lunar Eclipse Blood Moon This Freezing Morning!

I took my very first selfie ever with my smartphone, which I’ve had for about 7 years. The occasion is the 2nd total lunar eclipse blood moon I’ve ever seen, which started at about 2:00 AM this morning.

It was so cold outside I had to wear a sweater and my winter coat with hat and gloves. I could see my breath for crying out loud. Temperatures were in the mid-30s out there but the wind made it feel even colder, close to freezing.

I hope my photos turn out. If they don’t, I’m going to be very disappointed.

Get Your Tin Foil Hats Out for the Total Lunar Eclipse Tomorrow

I just found out this morning that there’s a total lunar eclipse that will be visible starting tomorrow morning. We saw the one in May this year, and we’re excited—about getting up early in the morning around 4:00 AM.

Although you don’t need to wear special eye protection for a lunar eclipse, you will need to get your tin foil hats on. This is to protect you from the extraterrestrials who will be looking for hapless earthlings who are distracted by the eclipse, and hypnotize them into cooking Thanksgiving turkey and dressing for them.

Since the event will be in the wee hours of tomorrow morning, we plan on getting up early to try to get some pictures. Good luck!

Old Dogs Can Learn New Juggling Tricks

I have been diligently been working on my juggling form—and of course it’s no better. But I’m having a lot of fun and even learning a few juggling tricks. Some of them are harder to do than others.

I’ve been juggling different objects, like socks and Blobs. The Blob antennae tend to get lodged between my fingers. I can sort of juggle Christmas tree balls. Christmas always comes early at our house. Sena always has a tree or two to put up and decorate.

There’s a tree up in the sun room and one in the lower level, where I juggled Christmas tree balls. Those are the ones we can do without, just in case I break them.

The tricks are not that hard and they won’t break the internet, except for one, maybe.

I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Evolutionary Thoughts

By now, you’ve probably read the digital news article describing how we’re all going to evolve into beings who resemble extraterrestrials (ETs) because of our preoccupation with digital technology.

The authors describe us as eventually developing another eyelid that’ll protect us from the blue light emanating from our gadgets. Our hands will become claw-like and permanently flexed because of the way we’re always gripping our smartphones.

You’ll also develop a third hand that protrudes from your butt so you can catch your cell phone as it slips out of the back pocket of your skinny jeans. Come to think of it, that’ll also give rise to a weird new meaning for the term “butt dialing.”

Of course, the article is a criticism of our preoccupation with our gadgets, but it’s still fascinating as speculation about how creatures, including humans, evolve in response to the pressures in our environment.

This kind of thing makes me wonder whatever happened to Neanderthal. The males were huge, especially their arms, which came from frequent arm wrestling with Sasquatch for the last shred of beef jerky. Neanderthal had a very prominent brow which developed to keep snow and pterodactyl droppings out of his eyes.

And this reminds me of the discovery of the fossil of a giant creature on the Greek island of Crete in 2003 (I think). The skull had a huge nasal opening in the center of the skull. That was probably for a trunk, as in elephant trunk. But paleontologists thought it might have been the explanation for why ancient Greeks came up with stories about the terrifying one-eyed cyclops.

And what about that carp with a human-like face on the top of its head? I saw that one a week ago on the show The Proof is Out There. I thought sure Michael Primeau, the forensic video analyst on the show, would dryly dismiss it (“This video is clearly faked.”). Instead, the other experts thought it was natural. Tony summarized it as an example of the “plastic” evolution, by which I think he meant phenotypic or evolutionary plasticity. These are changes in a creature’s appearance, morphology, or physiology in response to changes in its environment. Regarding the carp, one expert opined that the face would confuse its main predator, the eel, by confusing it.

I still don’t get that one. How would the carp species even begin the evolutionary process? Does the carp just think, “Huh, I think that eel might get confused if I had a face like a human”? I get it that the changes occur at the genetic level, but how exactly does it get started?

Could you google the answer? I couldn’t find anything specific, like x plus y equals human-like face on a fish that many humans would not care to eat.

And how about writing? I wrote this blog post longhand using pen and paper, something I gave up doing years ago but which I am sort of rediscovering gradually. I had an old typewriter for a while, which gave way to something called a word processor, which was a stand-alone device made writing and editing text, and eventually I got a computer—which really messed things up.

The thing is, I can remember getting something called writer’s cramp. If you remember that, then you probably recall how painful it was. Back then, did anyone ever wonder whether that would lead to the evolution of a claw like hand?

Could evolution have consequences pertinent to people who are always looking up at the sky looking for UFOs? Some of them, for some unexplained reason, never seem to have a smartphone with them. Anyway, could their eyes migrate, carp-like, to the top of their foreheads to counter neck strain? And could this lead to the evolution of a third eye in the center of the forehead? It would prevent falling into manholes. There are other consequences from evolving into a cyclops.

We would be adept at forging thunderbolts. We would be very talented at cultivating vineyards and herding sheep and goats. But our tempers would still be pretty bad, even worse. We would abandon courts of law and ignore justice. We would be violent giants, feasting on the flesh of ordinary humans. All this because we kept searching the sky, hoping to see UFOs and see ETs, which we would eventually resemble anyway because of our preoccupation with our devices.

I have a pretty good supply of pens and paper.

Trying to Find the Juggler Space

I’ve been learning to juggle for over a couple of weeks now and I’m having trouble finding the sweet spot in juggling. It’s called the juggle space and I don’t know if there’s any agreement about exactly where it is.

On the other hand, I frequently toss balls too far in front of me or too close to me. I also throw them too high or too low.

The juggling manual I bought with the Learn to Juggle kit says it’s formed by an imaginary pane of glass. The bottom two corners are your two hands at the at your waist and at your sides. The top is a line just above your head.

If you want to know more about the juggling space, you can contact the International Jugglers’ Association.

The secret seems to be in the throw. If I don’t throw that perfect arc, the balls end up on the floor or on my head.

I notice that when I do keep my balls closer to my chest, I can juggle better. Wait, that didn’t sound right.

Anyway, trying to find the “pain” of glass is the challenge for me now. Practice is the key.

Big Mo Blues Show KCCK

I heard this one and recognized Aretha Franklin’s voice before Big Mo ever announced her on KCCK.

I also heard a little more about MayRee and her hand-battered catfish. It’s tenderized to perfection, but you already knew that. Big Mo said her establishment is located at what sounds like the corner of Highway 73 and Snowflake Road.

I suspect it’s not on any GPS. I might have to ask somebody to draw me a map.

Thoughts on Birds Banging into Windows

The other day we heard this big bang against one of our windows. We both guessed what it was—another bird collision. A couple of years ago, one crashed into a window, got knocked out, lay on its side, and puffed really hard for a half hour or so.

Then it flew away.

This bird was not so lucky. It was hard to identify until we looked at the large flock of similar looking birds in the backyard trees. It was one of a large gathering of juvenile Cedar Waxwings. They didn’t have the red wingtips but they had sporty yellow tail feather tips and they had typical masks around their eyes.

Sometimes birds attack their reflections in windows. Several species do that but this one was not on the list. We think it was just an accident.

They were probably after the winterberry shrubs. There are a lot of articles on the web about birds getting drunk from eating fermented berries. I’m not sure how anyone knows, but some writers say it can cause birds to crash into windows. Have the birds undergone some kind of field sobriety test (“Okay buster, stand on one leg, and touch your beak with your wings.”)?

Cedar Waxwings are very gregarious, raucous, and rowdy birds who eat berries with gusto. The adults look a little like clownish (and maybe drunken) bandits.

We planted an Amaryllis in a pot to celebrate the bird’s life. I guess Amaryllis bulbs can sprout new blooms for several years, almost like being reborn many times.

A little story from Greek mythology says that a maiden named Amaryllis had a monster crush on a shepherd named Alteo, a first-class heel who ignored her but loved flowers. She tried stabbing herself in the heart every day with a golden arrow for thirty days but at first that only led to a lot of trips to the local emergency room. But on the thirtieth day, a gorgeous flower grew from her blood. That’s the only thing that got Alteo’s attention; can you believe that jerk? They got married and honey-mooned at Niagara where they both got smashed on fermented winterberries, jumped out of the Maid of the Mist boat, crashed into a rainbow which turned out to be a wormhole portal to another galaxy where they finally sobered up by eating beef jerky from Sasquatch, who is an interdimensional creature as everyone knows.

The moral of the story is you should close your window shades more often, which might deter some birds from crashing into your windows—unless they’re really drunk.

Blob Juggling

Sena bought me some new juggling items, which include three new balls and 3 Blobs. The Blobs are probably extraterrestrials because they have antennae. They all tend to bounce off my hands, but that’s no excuse for my continuing ugly form, which I swear I’m continuing to work on.

I’m starting to occasionally sneak in an over-the-top throw. I toss it over instead of under the ball. I notice that I hold my left arm above the right one for some reason. It looks weird, but it may be an unconscious way to cheat my way to the silver trophy for 20 throws.