I was all set to hear the Big Mo Blues Show on KCCK 88.3 tonight starting at 6 pm and guess what? I must have fell asleep sitting up in my chair and didn’t wake up until this song “Bye Bye Blues” by Larry McCray came on a little past 6:30 pm. It makes me think of my wife, Sena-until she starts winning too many cribbage games.
Tag: humor
You’ve Got to Read the Red-Hot Novel “Fahrenheit 451” by Ray Bradbury!
We got new Ray Bradbury’s books and I finally read “Fahrenheit 451,” which was published in 1953. It’s a fascinating book listing 451 ways to remember how to spell the word “Fahrenheit.” Actually, it’s a dystopian novel about society in the future which bans books which firemen burn because the government thinks it’s better for citizens to watch TV than to read.
I remember reading many of his science fiction works when I was a kid. But I never got around to reading “Fahrenheit 451.” My reaction to it was pretty much the same as I had to all of his other books—I found it difficult to put it down.
I started reading it last night. I got through Part 1 and it was late and stormy out so I decided to watch TV. Bad decision. I think the thunderstorm messed with the reception, pixelating and skipping audio along with the usual inane commercials. If I hear the joke one more time about why some snakes procreate only once a year followed by the punch line “That’s because they have e-reptile dysfunction” I’m going to throw my slipper at the screen.
Anyway, I shut the TV off and relaxed, believe it or not, to the thunder and lightening outside. That reminded me of “Fahrenheit 451” because in the novel, people have TV screens the size of the walls of their homes and they watch the same kind of garbage we do nowadays.
The main character, Guy Montag, is a fireman, which means in the dystopian future setting, he and fellow firemen burn any books people are caught hiding in their homes. Then the firemen burn the houses down. I guess that means people with books would have to doomscroll on their various other devices including the smartphones which won’t fit in any pocket of the clothes they wear.
Montag has a “eureka” moment when a 16-year-old girl named Clarisse teaches him there could be other ways to experience the world than by watching how women with swaying breasts in the Blue Chew commercials on the Weather Channel manage to make people really focus on the size of hailstones bombing Boobs Canyon in Utah.
Just like that, Montag reforms and does things that I probably shouldn’t tell you because that would be a major spoiler. Well, I guess I can give you a hint—they involve flame throwers. And have you ever wondered how your supervisor would look wearing a charcoal leisure suit?
Get this book now!
Rambling About the Clear Creek Trail
I put 2.5 miles on the step counter today walking on the Clear Creek Trail, so my feet are complaining a bit more.
Sena didn’t come with me on the walk today because of some gardening she had to do. She deals with foot issues and has been trying shoe inserts lately. Trimming them is an inexact science, but she got it right. The thing was, her feet hurt even worse with the inserts.
That’s because they were upside down. There are raised gel contours around the bottom for extra support, which have to face downwards in the shoe. They were a lot more comfortable for her once they were in right side up.
I didn’t get any shoe inserts because my new shoes fit pretty well. I walked a little further than usual, moving east on the part of the trail which has a fair number of ups and downs. It feels more like a nature walk (which is on the Make It OK Calendar for May Mental Health Awareness Month).
The trail is paved, but the trees and other vegetation are thick and tend to crowd around both sides. The trees sometime bend in archways across the path.
It was tempting to park my butt on the bench, but just sitting might have invited more flying bugs to buzz around my ears—despite applying enough OFF to defend me and a few other people.
We’ve walked this trail many times, but I saw something a little unusual today. There’s a big old dead tree that looks like a tuning fork.
I set a goal to reach a familiar place that’s high enough and cleared of foliage to see the creek from high above. That’s where I saw the 3 ducksateers: mallards in a line swimming up and down the stream in a sort of aimless way, yet determined to make good time.
After I returned to the trailhead, I heard the camera-shy gray catbird I always hear in a tall shrub right next to the trail. I sat in a bench close by with my camera out. It made the typical catbird noises, which sounds like a collection of whistles, creaks, and meows. But it hid in the leaves and when it burst onto the paved trail, it moved too quickly for me to get a shot.
I think the catbird hides in the trees right next to other birds, like robins, just to misdirect you. And that fooled me today–again. I thought I got a video clip of the catbird—but it turned out to be a robin, hamming it up for the camera like robins always do.
So, I included an old picture of a real catbird I took about a year and half ago.
More Bigfoot Encounters on the Clear Creek Trail
We’ve had encounters with Bigfoot on various walking trails, but most were on the Clear Creek Trail. I guess Bigfoot is one of those interdimensional beings, moving in and out of our world. It takes getting used to.
Avoid getting into thumb wrestling matches with Bigfoot. And moving in and out of various dimensions can get anyone a little mixed up on holiday dates.
It’s Time for an Omelet from the Mister Chef Pizza Maker!
Sena got a Mister Chef pizza oven the other week and it works pretty slick. I’ve cooked a couple of frozen pizzas on it and it’s great for a guy like me—the guy the neighbors alert the fire department about when they get the first whiff of smoke. Some people have no sense of adventure. Hey, if I can operate it, anyone can.
This morning, Sena cooked a ham omelet in about 15 minutes. I guess it just felt like an hour to me because I was hungry.
It’s pretty simple. There’s only one knob. It doesn’t correspond to any specific temperature although the instructions call it a “Temperature knob”. You can pretty much crank it to any number although lower numbers mean you have to wait longer for your food.
You just plug it in, turn a temperature knob and wait for the green light to come on, which evidently doesn’t exactly mean you can toss food in it. You have to wait for the red light to come on next. Then you toss the food on the ceramic surface—uh, that’s the bottom surface, not the top, which is the lid. Things just fall down if you put food up there—something to do with gravity.
It comes with a little instruction manual. In one place it says you can cook frozen pizza in 15-20 minutes, but then in the cooking time guidance it says it takes 9 minutes. I can tell you; 9 minutes doesn’t melt most of the ice. It also gives you the weight in grams of various foods. I’m not sure how useful it is—we’ve never weighed our frozen pizzas.
Pay attention to the warning about steam release when you open the lid. I guess I have about 4 or 5 outpatient visits to the burn clinic to go—then the skin grafts should hold.
We think the manufacturer must have got wind of me using the Mister Chef because they included a small robot extraterrestrial (ET) assistant to make sure I didn’t do anything rash. It got really nervous when I used it. It tried to calm down the smoke detectors, but I don’t think they could hear it. That’s ok, because I can’t hear the smoke detectors. That happens when you get old.
The robot ET quit a few days later, something about union benefits not covering incompetent cooks. Wise guy. Anyway, have fun with the Mister Chef and remember what Red Green says; “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”
Smile at a Stranger for Make It OK Calendar
So, I’m not strictly following the Make It OK Calendar per day for May Mental Health Awareness Month, at least according to the Iowa Healthiest State Initiative. Sometimes the goals on the calendar may not feel natural on a particular day or the opportunity might not appear.
Today, I’m a few days late on the Smile at a Stranger prompt and I figure better late than never. I was out for a walk to Clear Creek, testing out my other pair of new shoes (they’re black which is the only difference).
I didn’t encounter anyone on the way there, but I did see the geese pair I saw yesterday. I think this is the same pair I’ve seen over the years and they always return to about the same area by the creek where I suspect they nest. They honked raucously as they always do as they flew in from the north before landing on the water. The female walks up the shore a few steps and just stands there while the male floats in the creek close by, protectively. I never get to see exactly where the female enters the tall grass to start building a nest. I wonder if it’s because they both sense some nosy person like me is watching them.
Anyway, on my way back I smiled and greeted 3 people who were strangers to me. One was an old guy like me, out for a walk. We smiled and said hi to each other.
The other two were special. There was a kid on a tricycle, coming in hot down the hill straight for me. There was a big guy I figured was his dad bringing up the rear behind him, murmuring words of warning about the obvious risk of so much hi octane tricycle speed down a hill.
The kid was hurtling down so fast that I thought “Am I going to have to catch him?” It reminds me of an old song written and sung by Bill Withers in 1971, “Grandma’s Hands.” The relevant lyrics:
“Used to issue out a warning
She’d say, Billy don’t you run so fast
Might fall on a piece of glass
Might be snakes there in that grass…”
Then the kid put out both feet and made a long sliding stop just a few yards short of me—and grinned wide.
I grinned back and called out, “Hey, rocket man!” He waved and said “Hi!” And so did his dad, who smiled wide. I said “How you doin’?” and he replied “fine! How are you?” I said “I’m good” or something like that.
Smiles can work that way sometimes.
Further Thoughts on Ray Bradbury’s Short Story, “I See You Never”
This is an update to my post from lasts night on Ray Bradbury’s short story, “I See You Never.” My wife, Sena, happened to mention the naturalization process in the U.S. today.
In fact, we both saw the televised naturalization ceremony at the Iowa State Fair of 2024. During that ceremony, 47 children became citizens. In fact, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services has held a celebratory naturalization ceremony at the Iowa State Fair for at least the last ten years.
There was just such a ceremony last month of 69 immigrants at the University of Northern Iowa.
I had a quick peek at the U.S. citizenship and civics test questions and I’m pretty sure I would have a lot of trouble passing it. I’d probably get shipped back to Mars—which Ray Bradbury wrote a lot about.
The naturalization process isn’t easy. Under federal law, you have to live here in the U.S. at least five years as a lawful permanent resident to be eligible for naturalization, three years if you’re the spouse of a U.S. citizen. You have to learn the language. Many other countries have a similar naturalization process.
There’s no exact number of the USCIS naturalization ceremonies per year, but 818,500 took part in 2024.
Many of those who go through the naturalization process think it’s unfair for others to bypass it by getting into the country by other means.
So, I guess that’s the other side of the short story—the one Ray Bradbury probably didn’t write.
Attack of the Killer Gnats!
A couple of days ago we made our usual spring trip out to the Terry Trueblood trail. The phlox and grasses waved in the breeze and we saw quite a few birds.
There was also a swarm of killer midges or gnats that attacked us. They ambushed us when we got close to the trees on the western side of the trail.
We couldn’t really see them so much as feel them dive-bombing our eyes and ears, marching through our hair and looking for blood vessels.
What did we expect? We were walking around Sand Lake close to the trees and that’s where the gnats are. I couldn’t hold a camera still long enough to film anything because I was too busy flailing at the bug swarm. Swatting at gnats is a tricky business if you wear eyeglasses—you’re liable to slap them off your head on to the cement trail. I’ve done that.
We retreated in abject defeat in full rout away from the trees and were ready to surrender, head back to the car and leave. But the further away we fled, the gnats dissipated. We took a new direction, the opposite of the one we usually take around the trail.
This led to an adventure that we might not have otherwise had. We would not have encountered the family of killdeer with their stilt-legged babies crisscrossing the parking lot and other wonders. It reminded me of the Out of the Woods song (“Optimistic Voices”) in The Wizard of Oz:
You’re out of the woods
You’re out of the dark
Away from the flies
Step into the sun
Escaping the gnats dive-bombing your eyes
Keep straight ahead for the least buggiest place
Off your face the crap from swarming flies
Hold onto to your breath
Hold onto your nose
Hold onto your ears
Stop breathing in gnats and run like crazy…
And then the action picked up along the less wooded section of the trail. People were fishing along the lake’s edge, although I don’t understand how they tolerated the bugs unless they bathed in Deet before arriving.
We never got so many video clips; in fact, we ran the camera battery nearly empty. If we hadn’t taken a different path, we’d have missed the show.
The first picture I took was something Sena thought was interesting far out on Sand Lake. I thought it was a rock, but after we got home and looked at the clip closely, it was a group of three turtles jostling for room on top of a small rock. They could have been fighting or mating; it was hard to tell. There’s a moral in there somewhere.
I think some birds like orioles and redwing blackbirds like the sensation of being blown back in the wind while they perch on slender tree branches. They don’t get motion sickness.
There were several birds on a utility wire which were difficult to identify because of the angle of the sun. It would probably remind some of Leonard Cohen’s song “Bird on The Wire.”
One brief highlight was the aerial “dogfight” between two male goldfinches, probably about territory or females. They were little more than a yellow blur on video whaling away on each other in the air.
The comedy act of the day was the killdeer family farting around the parking lot, crossing and recrossing the streets. We made video of it that you can see in a different post.
The tree swallows were doing their usual aerial acrobat routines and there were probably babies in the nest boxes. A brilliant tree swallow appeared. I’m pretty sure it was a male because of the beautiful blue-green feathers. I think I caught a clip of a female as well. The color of the feathers were more muted.
They were probably gobbling up the killer gnats.
Three Photos to Share for Mental Health Awareness Month
So, I have to hurry up and get these 3 photos posted for today because it’s getting pretty late. Recall the Iowa Healthiest State Initiative calendar along with my photos to share:
The images are important features of events in my life or my sense of humor.
I’m a birdwatcher and many different species of birds visited the fountain. The fountain attracted bluebirds who splashed and even swam in it. That fountain was very heavy. We couldn’t leave it out all winter. In the fall I had to lift the bowls off and move them somewhere else. Moving them entailed lifting them onto bags of mulch so as to reduce the work of hefting them a small distance at a time. The birds were beautiful to watch.
The letter was a class assignment our Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) teacher had us write at the beginning of the class. After we graduated, she mailed us those letters shortly thereafter. We were to write something connected with what we thought we had gained or what we thought might happen after taking the MBSR class. The book might seem out of place, and while I can’t talk much about Gordon Strayer, I did meet him and read his book (which is now long gone; probably lost in a move). I admired him. I don’t think he feared death.
The Chrysler Building reminds me of the Men in Black (MIB) 3 movie, and I included it because my sense of humor is very important to me. In the movie, Agent J and Jeffrey Price have this funny conversation about time travel back to an era that was not the greatest for black people. I know because I lived through it. Agent J is about to use the time travel device which involves jumping off a tall building (it’s a “time jump!”). Agent J is preparing to travel back in time to M.I.B.’s early days in 1969 to stop an alien from assassinating his friend Agent K and changing history. They have this short conversation:
Jeffrey Price: Do not lose that time device or you will be stuck in 1969! It wasn’t the best time for your people. I’m just saying. It’s like a lot cooler now.
Agent J: How will I know if it works?
Jeffrey Price: You’ll either know…or you won’t.
Fart Around for Your Health!
How many farts can old fart fart if an old fart walks to fart? I’m sure you’ve heard that one by now after a recent news article suggested that farting while going for a walk on the street after dinner (or any meal) could make you healthier.
It’s not like the only reason is that you get rid of gas and increase intestinal motility to prevent constipation. Some medical experts say it can help control blood sugar.
But you have to fart walk within an hour of finishing a meal to control the glucose spike. You could call it the fart walk sweet spot. There are social implications, especially if the fart walk becomes a growing trend.
What the heck should you wear on fart walks? Windbreakers.
For some reason, Artificial Intelligence (AI) has a lot to say about flatulence, but I usually pass gas over it to move on to other websites to find what might be more reliable information than you get from AI.
While farting a couple dozen times a day can be normal, if you can’t leave your house because of your Frequency Of Odoriferous Farting Impulse (FOOFI), you might want get it checked out.
Eating a lot of fiber-rich foods can lead to digestive problems that can lead to excessive flatulence. Have you noticed that when you’re in a crowd, people tend to sprint away from you? When you’re in an elevator, do people push any button to get off, even if it’s in the basement, or even between floors?
By the way, did you hear about the guy who farted on an elevator? It was wrong on so many levels.
The food choice thing can be the downside of what often happens when you follow the advice of health care professionals who tell you to avoid carbs and eat more fruits and vegetable. This can happen to guys who hit middle age and start to get that big belly. I’m not sure that the diet change will help much, especially since new studies show that guys can produce more belly fat cells as they get older.
What do you call a large, hairy cryptid who eats too much beef jerky? Bigfart.
Certain diseases can be linked to farting, like irritable bowel syndrome, celiac disease, bowel obstruction, and constipation. Funny, I thought farting was supposed to prevent constipation.
What do you say to someone who has made a commitment to daily fart walks? Conflatulations!
Go Retire Psychiatrist 