I just read a few news articles and saw a couple of videos on something called the sit and rise or sitting rising exercise. It’s not the same as the sit to stand exercise, which is how many times you stand up from a chair without falling down after drinking several beers. The sit and rise exercise is sitting down and then standing back up in a cross-legged position.

Just to let you know, there are dozens of news stories that claim if you can’t do the sit and rise exercise without using one or both hands or a crane to get back up, you’re marked for death within hours. Make sure your last will and testament is notarized.

OK, I also saw a Snopes fact-check story about the sit and rise thing and it’s a myth that the inability to do it predicts mortality within a few years. It does indicate you have problems with mobility and that could be from a number of factors, including previous joint injuries and not having legs. Check a full-length mirror.

Apparently, there was a study done in Brazil in 2012 that got this story going about imminent mortality if you can’t do the sit and rise cross-legged routine. It looks like there have been news stories about it every year or so since then just to scare old people.

I can’t do the sit and rise cross-legged and wondered if there’s some kind of trick to it. There isn’t and the main problem according to experts are weak glutes. And I’m able to stand on one leg for 30 seconds and I can do 3-4 reps of the single sit to stand exercise on both legs. I also have no problem getting up from a chair from a sitting position without pulling myself up using grab bars or having somebody haul me up with a tow chain.

I can’t remember a time when I could even sit cross-legged, although I guess I did when I was in kindergarten. When I took a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course, I had to try to sit cross legged to meditate and I was numb in my hips and knees within a couple of minutes. When I got up, I usually fell over, sustained a minor head injury and was rushed to the ER about 1,200 times (“It’s Dr. Amos again; he’s been trying to sit in that lotus position” “OK, put him in the rack.”).

There’s a web page that gives advice on how to fix a problem with not being able to sit in a crossed leg position for longer than a minute. The author provides a short list of exercises without instructions for how to do them:

Child Pose: I imagine this resembles standing pigeon-toed, holding your crotch and dancing around a little about an hour after drinking a half-gallon of Kool-Aid.

Pigeon Pose: This is kind of like the Child Pose only it’s done while pooping on the head of a statue.

Toe Touch: Self-explanatory but apparently you can touch anything with your toe as long as it’s not something recently expelled from a pigeon.

Vajrasana: It involves contacting extraterrestrials who will assist you by inserting various probes in several orifices while you remain very still to allow the tracking device to be correctly installed.

Lung Pose: I’m not sure how this strengthens your glutes but obviously it involves surgery. Check your insurance.

Bridge Pose: This might tone your glutes if you dive off a bridge without a parachute. Make sure your life insurance policy is up-to-date.

That about does it for the sit and rise cross-legged issue. Remember, it’s only when you do it while cross-eyed that all the trouble starts. Glad I could clear that up.

This essay is satirical.