humor – Page 27 – Go Retire Psychiatrist

Biggish Events in Iowa in 1982

We’ve been watching for the house finch eggs to hatch sometime soon here. Remember they’re the ones who are nesting in the artificial Christmas tree on our front porch.

The 2023 edition of the book Birds of Iowa Field Guide, written by Stan Tekiela says the house finch was first seen in Iowa in 1982. That makes it a big year for house finches and for Iowa.

It got me to wondering what other big things happened in Iowa in 1982. A number of events as it turns out.

Terry Branstad was first elected governor of Iowa in 1982. He was 36 years old and at the time was the country’s youngest chief executive. After that, it seemed like he never stopped being the governor—even when he wasn’t, which was seldom. He was governor for 22 years. He was notable for being the nation’s longest-serving governor in history as of 2016.

In 1982, the University of Iowa Hawkeye football team went to the Rose Bowl—and lost to Washington 28-0. Coach Hayden Fry was not happy. The biggest thing about it was the long running party before the game.

While we were in Ames in 1982, there was evidently a big fire that destroyed the Iowa State University Alpha Iota chapter fraternity house. We don’t recall it. One of the members of the fraternity named Steve Shamash, wrote a five-page story about it. One quote (author unknown at the time by Shamash) is worth sharing about how the fire affected the fraternity:

I hunted for the author of the quote and I think it’s by Orison Swett Marden who wrote How to Succeed or, Stepping-Stones to Fame and Fortune. The full quote is:

“Adversity exasperates fools, dejects cowards, draws out the faculties of the wise and industrious, puts the modest to the necessity of trying their skill, awes the opulent, and makes the idle industrious. Neither do uninterrupted success and prosperity qualify men for usefulness and happiness. The storms of adversity, like those of the ocean, rouse the faculties, and excite the invention, prudence, skill and fortitude of the voyager.”

One of the biggest things was the Grateful Dead concert at the University of Iowa Field House. We never went because we were living in Ames at the time. I was an undergraduate at Iowa State University. You can hear the songs at the Internet Archive. The only one I recognize as being by the Grateful Dead is “Truckin.”

Sena surprised me by reminding me she bought me a colorful Jerry Garcia necktie while I was a resident in the Psychiatry Department at the University of Iowa in the mid-1990s. I don’t remember that at all, probably because my brain was fried from being post-call most of the time.

House Finches at Home in Fake Christmas Tree

We managed to get some critter cam footage of the male and female house finch pair nesting in the fake Christmas tree in our front entry way yesterday. Crank up the volume on your audio to hear them singing.

The male sports a red face and chest. The female is plain brown except for brown streaks on a white belly. While she incubates the eggs, he feeds her periodically.

It’s definitely a tough job sitting there most of the time with temperatures getting well into the 80’s Fahrenheit on our porch even before noon. On the other hand it’s still getting pretty cold at night.

We don’t know when the eggs were laid, but they take about two weeks to hatch. After that the chicks will take a couple of weeks to fledge.

I’m a little nervous about going out there periodically to pick up the critter cam and peek at the eggs. It always startles the female. It can also alert large predatory birds to the prospect of a meal. This actually happened about 4 years ago when I heard what sounded like large bedsheets flapping in the wind. It turned out to be the biggest crow I ever saw taking off with its beak full of house finch nestlings from the real evergreen tree in our front yard (different house).

There should be a bird nest relocation program.

Jim Does the Walmart Self-Checkout

Yesterday I did the Walmart self-checkout thing after grocery shopping. Sena told me a few weeks ago that she saw some people abandon their full shopping carts and just walk out of the store after learning they might have to use self-checkout.

I had mentioned to Sena that I probably would try the self-checkout on a day when I had a short grocery list. It turns out that I made a slightly longer list than I intended (more than 10 items which makes you ineligible for the 10 items or less aisle). And I couldn’t think of a way to wiggle out of going to the Coralville Walmart which is promoting the self-checkout. The Iowa City Walmart is not.

When I got there, I noticed the check-out aisles had undergone a major rearrangement. The aisles were a lot wider and the self-checkout stations were designed so that you don’t have to wait directly behind somebody who might be a slowpoke—like me. There was at least a half-dozen self-checkout stations and a few regular check-out stations with long lines. There was usually no waiting for a self-checkout slot.

Prior to going to the store, I had taken a quick look at the web page “Wiki-How for How to Use the Walmart Self-Checkout.” It works almost exactly like that in a real store. I had a little trouble accidentally double-scanning an item and for some reason I couldn’t get the scale to weigh a small bag of tomatoes. But there is always somebody around to help you out.

Actually, I wasn’t aware of my double-scan until after I got home. Sena found it after checking the receipt (oops). I went back to fix that, which made it necessary to pick up a few more items—including ice cream. So, I actually did the self-checkout twice that day.

I really didn’t think the using the scanner was as much of a challenge as sacking all the items so that things like tomatoes didn’t get crushed, etc. But you can use crushed tomatoes in chili and goulash, can’t you? Don’t answer that.

I was gone most of the day doing the grocery shopping and self-checkout. The most time-consuming part of the trip was finding the items in the store. Does it make any sense to put the liquid hand soap in the pickled pig’s feet aisle?

Anyway, when you’re done at the self-checkout, you get a screen asking you to rate how good your experience was on a 5-star scale. The first time I was there, I didn’t notice it for a couple of seconds and that was a few seconds too late. The rating evaluation doesn’t stay on screen for very long. I guess they figure if it takes longer than a few seconds for you to figure out what you think of the process, the rating is bound to be on the low side.

The second time I was there, I was quicker. I gave it 4 stars, one off for having to dig through the pickled pig’s feet to find the liquid hand soap.

Still Working on That Shower Juggle!

I’ve been working on that shower juggle pattern for a year now. Progress is slow but a couple of days ago, I noticed it got better when I held my arms pretty rigidly within the pane of glass. You can still tell I tend to morph between a half shower and a full shower.

It’s also called a circle juggle because that’s sort of what it looks like.

I can do on average about 5-7 throws before I start dropping balls on my head. I notice also that as long as I stay in the pane and focus on the arc throw at the top of the arc, I can juggle the shower with pretty much any set of juggling balls.

I think the Svengoolie T-shirt gives me good luck.

Svengoolie Movie: Island of Terror!

The Saturday night Svengoolie movie was Island of Terror. This one was released in 1966 and starred Peter Cushing as one of the scientists who battle monsters who are snacking on the skeletons of humans. The monsters are also silicon-based.

These two elements reminded me of a couple of other things. One was the short horror story “Skeleton,” (often miswritten as Skeletons or The Skeletons). It was published by Ray Bradbury in 1945. It involves a weird doctor, Dr. M. Munigant, who treats Mr. Harris’s hypochondriacal preoccupation with his painful bones—by slurping all the bones out of his body, leaving him alive but like a jellyfish.

OK, so Bradbury’s story is really not closely related to the film—except they both involve feeding on skeletons.

The other thing Island of Terror reminds me of is the X-Files episode “Firewalker.” That’s because both conveyed the idea that life could be based on the element silicon. The fungus that took over the characters in “Firewalker” were silicon-based. The skeleton-munching monsters on the Island of Terror were silicon-based lifeforms and are called silicates in the movie.

And that leads to speculations about how the Island of Terror silicon-based, skeleton-eating monsters were defeated by the scientists. Nothing kills them but Strontium-90. But they don’t attack them directly with the isotope. Instead, they feed it to cattle, which the monsters then scarf down. Eating the Strontium-90 kills them.

Strontium-90 is an isotope that comes from nuclear bomb radiation fallout and nuclear accidents. The radioactive waste in nuclear reactors contains a lot of Strontium-90 and exposure to it can cause leukemia and—bone cancer. Bullets, bombs, and dynamite don’t harm the silicates.

Why does Strontium-90 destroy the silicates? As near as I can tell, because they get ultra-rapid progressive bone cancer from eating too many skeletons with bone-seeking Strontium-90. Or maybe they get radiation sickness.

Anyway, the movie itself was entertaining. The location of the action was on an island off the coast of Ireland. That might explain why most of the landscape looked Kelly green. The creature effects were pretty odd. The silicates moved very slowly, yet were able to catch humans easily, sometimes by climbing trees and dropping on their victims from above. I’m not sure how they were able to climb trees.

They also reproduced by fission, which revealed a chicken noodle soup-like substance between the two new silicates. This apparently violates the universal law that chicken noodle soup cures everything. It also promotes the typical Svengoolie Dad jokes, such as:

How do the silicates promote STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math)? They divide and multiply.

Leave a comment if you have a bone to pick with me about this post or a good Dad joke (is that a contradiction in terms?).

KCCK Big Mo News and More

Well, ever since last fall, the Iowa jazz and blues radio station KCCK has been available only on channel 88.3 FM on our radio dial. Channel 106.9 has been out for months. We just found out that 106.9 is now working again and has been for over 3 weeks. It has been a translator channel that broadcasts in addition to 88.3 FM out of Cedar Rapids so that people in Iowa City can have better reception.

The story about why KCCK 106.9 has been out is complicated and traces back to when the Daily Iowan reported in early October of 2023 that because the Iowa City campus of Kirkwood Community College closed, the antenna for KCCK in the area was shut down and other arrangements had to be made for KCCK radio reception in Iowa City.

We never really lost KCCK reception, except on 106.9. It always came through just fine on 88.3. But just a couple nights ago, I heard John Heim aka Big Mo who broadcasts the Big Mo Blues Show on Friday nights starting at 6:00 PM say, as usual, that KCCK is on 88.3 in Cedar Rapids and in Iowa City by translator channel 106.9. He has been saying that for months but nothing came through but static mostly.

And now KCCK 106.9 is back, just like that.

The other news from KCCK is that Big Mo has a Pod cast show now. It just started in recent weeks also. One of them reminds me of what turns out to be a comedy bit he does about May Ree’s hand-battered catfish. He always says she is one of the sponsors for his show. I’ve had my doubts about it but enjoy it anyway. I was evidently one of the many who contacted him asking whether or not the hand-battered catfish story is real. He just advised me to “keep listening.”

It’s not real, but it’s funny. It’s one of a few “Sponsors de faux” comedy bits he has done for a long time. I remember wondering about May Ree and her hand-battered catfish at least a couple of years ago. He has a couple of others which I’ve never heard about: Shorty’s Adult Diapers and Big Furry Shaving Products. I’ve blogged about May Ree a few times. Just search “hand battered catfish.”

Anyway, I thought I’d just pass this along. You can have a lot of fun listening to KCCK radio out of Cedar Rapids and Iowa City, Iowa. I guess now only newcomers will ask whether the May Ree’s Hand-Battered Catfish story is real or not. KCCK of Iowa welcomes new listeners, so…keep listening.

Shoehorn Thoughts

Sena got us three new shoehorns. They’re different sizes: the usual 6-inch, an 11-inch, and a 16-inch.

Of course, you could ask why anyone would need a 16-inch shoehorn. The simple answer is that it’s to help you get your boots on. But would you be able to get it on an airplane in your carry-on bag? Well, one wisecrack answer would be “Yes, if your carry-on is big enough.” I’m not sure what the TSA would say about it.

What if an obstreperous airline passenger was perturbed about not getting his complimentary in-flight Zagnut bar snack, got his carry-on and pulled out that steel 16-inch shoehorn, demanded his complimentary Zagnut and started waving it around like he’s a samurai?

I don’t know the answer, which is yet another reason why I’m reluctant to get on an airplane these days.

Another question I can’t answer is whether those new slip-in Skecher shoes eliminate the need for shoehorns. I couldn’t find a clear answer. On the other hand, I did find out that a few people, including lawyers, think some Skecher shoes can lead to tripping and sustaining injuries that could potentially be worth a small fortune in class-action lawsuits.

I have a pair of Skecher shoes which do seem to make me trip more often than I normally would, even for a geezer. And while I can use a 16-inch shoehorn to get them on, I have to stoop over and straighten out the bunched-up fabric on the top part of the shoe, and just like that I get another back spasm just like the one which drove me to use the shoehorn in the first place.

And where do you store these extra long shoehorns? Sure, they’ve all got a small hole in the handle, which fools you into thinking you could just hang it on one of the coat hanger hooks in your mud room. But the holes are too small. I could tie a shoelace on it and hang it on a coat hanger, but that’s too much work. I guess I could tie a fishing line on it, but I want to store it someplace, not catch a marlin with it.

I found one web site which claimed you can take socks off with a 16-inch shoehorn. Let’s think about that. It’s steel and the edge, while not razor sharp, could tear a hole in your sock. Or it could leave a scratch on your leg or foot. You could do both if you’re handy with a weapon like that.

That sounds like a class-action lawsuit. I should call them and find out what my case could potentially be worth.

The Wendy’s Orange Dreamsicle Frosty Is In Your Dreams

Well, we stopped by the Wendy’s drive up a couple of days ago and tried to order that new Orange Dreamsicle (sometimes called the Creamsicle) Frosty. But they were out of it, mainly because they didn’t order enough of it. I guess it’s a hot-cold item (Har!). They encouraged us to return the next day, which we did.

They had plenty of Orange Frosty. They said it was just like those orange Push-Up Pops you got when you were a kid (what gives? I never got one). Sena said the Push-Ups tasted like orange sherbet, so she was looking forward to it.

OK, if we’d been blindfolded and didn’t know about it in the first place—we wouldn’t have been able to tell there was anything orange about it but the color.

It was a nice enough color, but it tasted so much like vanilla we wondered why they were calling it orange. We thought the same thing about the strawberry and peppermint Frosty’s. The only one that was a hit for us was the Pumpkin Spice flavor—even though some foodies said the main ingredients were milk and soy. Some said it reminded them of eggnog. I got nothing against eggnog.

So, what was in the Orange Push-Ups? I looked this up on line and they were made of cream and orange juice concentrate.

What exactly is in the Orange Dreamsicle Frosty? The dessert is aptly named, because you’re dreaming if you think you’re getting any orange in it.

It’s got milk, sugar, corn syrup, cream, and non-fat milk, plus thickeners and additives for color. There is no orange or even tangerine in it.

What do you want to bet that’s what’s in all the other flavors? When the new flavors come out, Wendy’s says they can’t give you vanilla. Funny, because that’s what most of them taste like. I’m pretty sure it’s because they use the vanilla as a base to make the new flavors.

That’s OK with me because vanilla is my favorite anyway. And chocolate is a close second. Anytime Wendy’s has a new Frosty, we’re up for it!

Solar Eclipse Around the Corner So We May Need to Protect the Cicadas!

The solar eclipse is just around the corner! We’re hoping for decent weather. We’re also hoping that everyone views the event with safety in mind.

University of Iowa Health Care ophthalmologist Dr. Ian Han has great tips on how to observe the solar eclipse on April 8, 2024. He pointed out that eclipse glasses that pass muster for safe viewing of what will be a partial eclipse in Iowa are typically on a list of approved eyewear and often have an ISO (that stands for International Organization for Standardization) number stamped on them. Our glasses have the right stuff!

However, animals sometimes get confused by solar eclipses, including cicadas (see my other post about cicada weirdness posted today). Cicadas might stop singing or maybe their gonads drop off a little sooner than usual, I don’t know exactly. But the zombie cicada gonad apocalypse timing probably makes that a non-issue. I did say “probably.” But how could we protect them if necessary?

There might be a scientific way to custom fit the cicadas with solar eclipse glasses using groundbreaking technology first used in the 1989 documentary film, “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids,” which I have not personally watched but which could be featured on Svengoolie. We’d have to scale up production for possibly trillions of bugs. And I guess we can’t protect their gonads.

But we can all protect our eyes.

Update: I found a very good web site which tells you how to check if your solar eclipse glasses are genuine and protective. In addition to the information above, you can test the eclipse glasses indoors by putting them on. You shouldn’t be able to see anything but the brightest light bulbs and those just barely. You can test them outside as well. On a sunny day, look around at any reflective surface. You shouldn’t be able to see much at all. I tested ours and they passed with flying colors.

Cicada Zombieland

I’m sure you’ve heard the zombie cicada horror movie-like story in the news which sounds like it would make a great episode for the Svengoolie TV show. “Attack of the hallucinating zombie cicadas without gonads” would make a good title. One possible torrid scene suggestion would open in the “living” room (although zombies are not really alive), female (Alice) and male (Fred) cicadas seated on the sofa, lava lamp on the coffee table:

Fred: Alice baby, what’s your sign?

Alice: Your gonads are off, hon.

Fred: Oops. Did I leave them at the racquetball court?

Alice: Hmmm. Have you had your…shots?

Fred: What do you mean?

Alice: You’re not carrying any sexually transmitted diseases, are you?

Fred: I hardly see how that’s possible, since my gonads fell off somewhere. Have another drink of my psychedelic fungus urine, which I am able to shoot out stronger and faster than an elephant!

Alice: Not erotic enough in my book. I’m leaving, Fred.

Fred: Wait a minute, Alice. I’m sure my gonads are around here somewhere; let me check between the sofa cushions!

Cicadas are those bugs which make extremely loud buzzing noises every 13 or every 17 years or whatever, when they dig their way out of the ground to climb trees, molt, and find mates. Sex is the main event for them and possibly trillions of them will be looking to get lucky in the biggest invasion in over 200 years, at least in the southeastern United States.

On the other hand, there is something seriously wrong with some of them. A parasitic fungus with an LSD-like or amphetamine-like substance takes over the males and their sexual equipment just falls right off, replaced by fungus gobs which stick on to other males or females, infecting them and turning them into sex-crazed zombies which kill each other off faster than Woody Harrelson can slaughter the walking dead in Zombieland (a movie I never saw).

This reminds me of a couple of X-Files episodes, as I’m sure it reminds you. One of them is Firewalker in which a silicon-based fungus infects a crew of scientists and kills them off by making them zombie-like spreaders of it, complete with a long, strangely phallic-like sprout which explodes out of their necks, after the victims gradually become psychotic.

The other X-Files episode is Field Trip in which Mulder and Scully get trapped underground covered in a giant gooey fungus which makes them hallucinate their brains out. At the same time, it’s digesting them. Yum.

I don’t think the X-Files producers got the idea for the episodes from the cicada zombies.