Category: humor

I’m Running on a Tight Schedule

Because I’m running on a tight schedule today, I’ll have to write this holiday flower-oriented post with lightning speed. There could be minor mistakes and you’ll just have to live with them.

First, we need to talk about the meaning of the usual Christmas holiday flowers. One of them is the Amaryllis, about which I’ve already given the important details in a previous post.

The other flower is the poinsettia, properly pronounced “flower.” Sena brought one home yesterday and it’s a beauty. The lore surrounding this holiday favorite is a bit convoluted. An angel ordered a peasant woman named Maria to gather roadside weeds. Maria was a little hard of hearing and thought the angel said “weed,” so she dug up a lot of marijuana growing wild in the ditches.

She took them to a little church, where the members of the congregation and the preacher lit them up with a little fire at the altar. The smoke got a little thick and everybody got a little confused and really hungry. They giggled a lot and their eyes burned a little, making everything look like it had a reddish color, including the “weeds.” Somebody knocked over the altar, spilling them all over the floor, which everybody swore they could feel through their shoes.

The poinsettia was known by the Aztecs who originally called it “Cuetlaxochitl,” which means “flower you can feel through your shoes, dude!”

There’s another version of the origin of the name of poinsettia. Some botanist in South Carolina named Poinsett (get that, har!) called it the “Mexican flame thrower,” probably because there was a legend in Mexico that extraterrestrials brought a plant with them that shot fire from its flowers, scorching all of the weed for miles.

Anyway, I think that’s how the history goes.

New Juggling Balls!

Hey, the ugly juggler just got a new set of juggling balls! And you’ll be thrilled to know my juggling is just as ugly as ever.

I know next to nothing about juggling except what I’ve learned in the last month or so. The Zeekio balls weigh 110 grams (almost 4 oz) each and they’re 62 mm (2.4 inches) in diameter. They have substance to them.

They’re very different from my first set, which came in a box along with a manual for how to learn juggling. I bought that kit on a whim at Barnes and Nobles in mid-October. The balls started leaking their innards in November and they were small. I made do with decorator balls that I think are made of latex, filled with some kind of liquid which leaked. They stuck to my hands and to each other. One of them has shrunk in size. They’re not real juggling balls.

But the Zeekio balls are real and an early Christmas gift from Sena. They make a satisfying thud when they hit the floor or my head. That’s how I know they’re high quality.

Practicing for the Behind the Back Juggling Trick

I’ve been practicing for a juggling trick, the behind the back throw. For me, it’s harder than any other trick so far.

And to be clear, I’m not talking about juggling the full cascade entirely behind my back—that’s for the pros. I’m just trying to toss one ball behind my back while juggling the 3-ball cascade.

First, the Learn to Juggle manual says try just tossing one ball behind your back. That’s actually not so hard to pick up on.

Then the manual instructs the learner to try a 2-ball practice trick. With two balls, one in each hand, you toss the trick ball first (in my YouTube video, the trick ball is yellow) behind the back, then a split second later, toss the 2nd ball up. You’re supposed to catch both, of course, which I finally got the hang of—sort of.

The next step is to try the variation of the 2-ball practice, which is to throw one ball before you toss the trick ball and catch both.

I’m still working on the variation.

Both are important parts of the whole thing, which is to toss one ball behind your back while incorporating it into the 3-ball cascade.

I’m dropping balls all over the place. I even got a bruise on my right wrist from a dropped ball. I think one of the keys to this trick is getting my hand back into place super-fast after tossing it behind my back.

Sasquatch Cribbage Board Game!

Today was the inaugural game on our new Sasquatch cribbage board. It’s a very handsome item, made of walnut by the maker, David Sprouse, in Ferndale, Washington. His website is 3MoonsMakerSpace and he markets the boards on Etsy. It was delivered only a couple of weeks ago. It came with pegs and deck of cards. It has a hole in the back for hanging on a wall, if you want.

We played the game to 61 just for the sake of brevity since the point was to show off the board itself.

I don’t know really what to make of Bigfoot stories. Many claim to have spotted the creature way out in places like Washington state and elsewhere. There are reports of a few sightings even in Iowa.

I wonder why you never find corpses or even fossils of Sasquatch? Probably because extraterrestrials beam them up too quickly in order to harvest the fur for throw rugs for their space ships. The usual problem, of course, is getting the smell of beef jerky out of them.

Earth Shaking Announcements!

I have announcements that you don’t want to miss! We got our Sasquatch cribbage board and it is gorgeous. We hope to have a YouTube video of us playing a game in a day or two.

The Amaryllis Star of Holland continues to open, almost before our eyes. It’ll probably be in full bloom before Christmas.

I have been working so hard on my juggling practice, trying to get so I can do a behind the back throw—I got a bruise on my right wrist without even realizing it. I must have got smacked by the ball. More on the agony and the steady but slow progress coming soon!

Updates on Amaryllis and Ugly Juggling

The Amaryllis Star of Holland opens up a little more each day. It may open before Christmas.

I make do with the sticky juggling balls. They’re easily squishable and tacky enough to pick up the little granules my original juggling balls were stuffed with. Evidently, the vacuum cleaner couldn’t get them all.

In the process of shopping for new juggling balls, we’re learning new things. I had what are called 4 panel balls, meaning they were covered by fake leather panels secured with thread at the seams—which turned out to be not very durable.

But they can have 6 or even 12 panels. I guess the idea is that the more panels, the less likely the seams will get smacked and break on impact with various objects, such as my glasses, computer, window shades, and whatnot.

The impact factor of dropped balls are pretty important right now because I’m still a beginner. You can buy one acrylic ball for $26. They’re virtually unbreakable, so they can probably last for years—unless I use them.

Some juggling balls are filled with millet, which is bird seed. I’m ambivalent about juggling balls which could spread food all over when I break them.

I’m busy trying to learn how to do a new juggling trick, which is to throw one behind your back as you do the 3-ball cascade. I’m struggling to get the hang of it. You’d think it would be about the same level of difficulty as the under the leg throw trick, which I can do (in a very ugly way, of course). It’s much harder.

There are lot of jugglers out there on YouTube who are really great teachers. You can tell right away which ones are just trying to dazzle you. Sena found a website called Renegade Juggling. There’s a chart showing how your hand size relates to the size balls appropriate for you. I’m sticking with 62mm diameter balls, since they’re supposedly right for somebody with 7-inch hands from wrist to fingertips.

Christmas at the Mall

I went out to the mall yesterday and it was fun. I tried a Chick-fil-A sandwich for the first time ever. I got there at just the right time, after the noon lunch crowd thinned out. You get these waffle fries that are actually pretty good. The chicken sandwich is moist and delicious. I love the big photos outside the restaurant. I get the biggest kick out of the “Eat Mor Chikin” jokes.

I also flipped through a few Dad Jokes books. I think Dad Jokes are really funny. One of the books had a legal warning in it on the copyright page that sounded like the publisher would come after you if you repeated the jokes anywhere.

I thought you were supposed to tell jokes, not keep them to yourself. Besides that, the sale price on the book was almost $18. Hey, do yourselves a favor and google “Dad Jokes.” You can read them for free on the web. I doubt anyone would throw you in jail if you repeated any of them.

Do you have to be a dad to tell Dad Jokes? Yes, if you tell a Dad Joke and you’re not a dad, that’s a “faux pa.” Rim shot.

The ultimate dad at the mall is the guy in the Santa Claus suit. He was walking around waving at everyone, taking pictures with kids and spreading good will.

I actually got lost in one of the big department stores. No kidding, I walked around and around the store and could not find the exit. It was embarrassing. I suspect they designed the store a lot like how they design Las Vegas casinos—to keep you trapped inside, spending your money.

Here’s a shot of the Amaryllis, Star of Holland, as of this morning.

Old and Busted Juggling Balls

As you may know, I started juggling in mid-October. The Learn to Juggle kit came with 3 balls. After practicing for over a month and a half, they are old and busted.

The seams are splitting and the granules are flying out, as they smack my hands or hit the floor, computer, walls, and other objects. I hope I got most of them vacuumed up.

The old and busted juggling balls are retired now. For now, I practice with sticky ornamental balls that are not meant for juggling, but which will serve in a pinch.

Amaryllis Bending at Will?

The Amaryllis Star of Holland is starting to act a little strange. Last Friday night it bent way over, seemingly away from the ceramic space heater in the sun room. I had turned it on for a half hour before going in and kept it on for about 15 minutes before turning it off—out of concern that the plant was reacting adversely to the heat. The next day it straightened up.

Friday night I was listening to the blues on the radio. Was it leaning toward the music?

And then it started bending back and forth, seemingly without rhyme or reason. It doesn’t consistently bend right or left based on heat, light, or sounds.

Maybe it’s exercising. I wonder if an extraterrestrial is bending it to its will. I would think the plant is big enough to defend itself. It’s a little over 17 inches tall now. I wonder if it’ll get tough and demand that we feed it raw meat, like something out of Little Shop of Horrors?

More Ugly Juggling!

I know you’ve been waiting for more ugly juggling and I’ve got it for you right here. I have been struggling with doing the under the leg toss trick and the reverse cascade as well for days.

Both are extremely ugly, but I’m giving myself credit because I’m a geezer past his mid-sixties who just started juggling in mid-October.

I generally tend to practice in my office where my computer and webcam are. It’s not unusual for me to drop a ball or two on the keyboard. Sometimes when I do that, a couple of extraterrestrials materialize and try to sell me real estate somewhere on the outer rings of Saturn. I don’t worry about them because I just accidentally hit the keys again by dropping another juggling ball on the keyboard and they dematerialize.

I thought I would never get the under the leg trick. I have watched that trick done by several pro jugglers who make YouTubes out of their skills and try to teach others. What often happens is that I keep trying and fail so much that I just figure I’ll never get the hang of something.

And then one day, I just start doing a trick more often than I fail. I keep at it until I complete it more than I miss. That’s how it was with the under the leg.

Don’t get me wrong. My under the leg juggling trick is really ugly. But it’s my kind of ugly.

One of the key things for me is getting my right leg up just before I throw the ball under it. This is vital, because if I don’t stand on my left leg long enough to stick with the cascade pattern, I end up flinging the ball into the computer, the wall, or on my head.

Another key factor is to throw the third ball up high enough so that I have time to pitch the under my leg and also throw that one high enough to get back in the cascade. I start my count out loud when I throw the third ball. It’s hard to believe how much more focused I get when I count the throws out loud.

I can’t throw them so high they bounce off the ceiling. They just have to be high enough to get back into the cascade.

I really think my practicing the one leg stand on both legs (one minute on both the right and left legs) for the last few months has helped me get into shape to do the under the leg trick.

In my ugly juggling video, I made one clip of the under the leg throw in slow motion.

The reverse cascade is another trick I am struggling to learn. My reverse cascade sequences are very, very short. That’s about all I can say about it so far.

But they might get better.