The Scientific Skinny on Bigfoot

What’s up with this Bigfoot thing? Could it be a few humans with the rarest form of Hypertrichosis (Werewolf Syndrome)? You know, some scientists said that Patty, the hairy creature featured on the Patterson Gimlin film back in the 1960s, was not genuine because she had hairy breasts. Hey, guess what? If a woman has Hypertrichosis she can grow hair anywhere, even on her breasts.

But I guess that would not account for the huge size of Bigfoot. Why would they be seven or eight feet tall? They’re sometimes described as being ferocious carnivores. What would they find to eat in the forests? Deer, maybe. But are they quick enough to catch deer?

Can a 1,000 pound bipedal humanoid chase down a deer? Hey, it’s more likely Bigfoot could be a grazer. Some of the largest animals on the planet eat nothing but grass. Take cows for example. They’re pretty big and they munch on things like grass and frosted mini-wheats—with just a little milk they squeeze from their non-hairy breasts.

That’s a tough skill to master when all you’ve got are hooves. And like some chimpanzees who can learn to crack nuts with big rocks, if cows don’t get the hang of milking themselves by the time they’re a few years old, they just never get it. They’re stuck with trotting to Hy-Vee to get a gallon of two percent.

But sometimes you hear about Bigfoot making these tree structures. That’s what some people call them. They usually don’t look like they amount to much. It’s not like they have a well-defined sun room or even a roof. It’s a stick laying across another stick, unless you’re watching the TV documentary Mountain Monsters. Then they’re split levels or log cabin vacation lodges with a jacuzzi.

And how about the noises that Bigfoot makes? The sounds vary a lot from screams to deep bellows to nasal twangs reminiscent of Willie Nelson singing “You Were Always on My Mind.” Do they have a language of some kind? Or do they just grunt and growl and ask where to get the best beef jerky?

Bigfoot sometimes knocks on trees. I’m not sure why. It could be like knocking on wood for luck, I think. Maybe it’s their music. Knock three times on the big tree if you fear me.

This stuff gets pretty deep after a while. Your thoughts?

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