Mydriatic Madness

I got my eyes examined yesterday. They put mydriatic drops in like they usually do. It’s been a while since my last exam. I remember a long time ago the eye clinics used to give you a free pair of those flimsy paper sunglasses to cut down on the glare and blurriness. I see them going on Amazon for $30-$60 bucks for 50-100 count boxes.

Anyway, they put the mydriatic drops in and after a few minutes, I was blind as a bat. I had to use the restroom and ended up talking to a mop for a couple of minutes. I thought it was strange that a skinny old guy would wear gray dreadlocks.

When I got back in the hallway, I was somewhat disoriented. I walked up and down the hall and must have got off on a side route somehow. I stopped next to a counter, just trying to get my bearings and a guy wearing a white cap asked me,

“Sir, would you like a corn dog? It’s made from plants!”

I said, “Hm, how much?”

“Only $15.99!”

“Excuse me while I check your rating with the Better Business Bureau.”

His face looked like it was starting to drip.

I walked briskly away and eventually found myself in a dark, blurry hallway. I stumbled through a swinging door and heard somebody exclaim,

“Oh no, the surgeon just fainted! Quick, get that guy scrubbed and gowned!”

I haven’t been in surgical garb since medical school, and never that fast. I was a little concerned and asked,

“How did you drag the surgeon out so quickly?”

A scrub nurse snapped, “Doctor, it’s an emergency penectomy! Here.”

Everything was blurry. Something slapped into my hand and it had a trigger. When I pressed it, there was a noise like a mini buzz saw.

“Can anyone direct me back to the eye clinic?”

“Hurry, doctor, it’s about to burst!”

Somebody bumped my arm, and I heard a scream. I said,

“Isn’t the patient anesthetized?”

“Doctor, you got the scrub nurse!”

The floor was getting slippery for some reason and I stumbled to my hands and knees. I managed to get out of the operating room. When I got to my feet, I ditched the scrubs but kept the skull cap because it had some nice red spots on it. Skull caps are usually pretty drab.

I heard somebody shout, “Call Security! The guy is wearing a bloody skull cap!

I sure didn’t want to run into that guy, so I veered into a brightly lit hallway away from all the noise. Bright lights worsen the glare you get after mydriatic drops, so I had even more trouble seeing. It led to what turned into an elevator. It was full of people in dark clothes. When the elevator stopped, I could feel the wind. Apparently, we were on the roof. There was a deafening whirring noise. I had to yell over it,

“Am I anywhere close to the eye clinic?”

“Don’t worry, doctor, remember to duck your head as you board the helicopter. We have to move fast!”

The view of the hospital campus is spectacular from the air. When the air ambulance attendants realized their mistake, they lowered me in a basket back down to the door outside the eye clinic. I was glad to get back inside because it gets a little chilly in a helicopter.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late!) I got squared away with, among other things, a new prescription for eyeglasses and a fine for practicing surgery without a license.

I had no trouble finding my way back to the parking ramp. Horns were honking everywhere. Everybody was pressing their car key fobs to find their vehicles. I think most of them were leaving the eye clinic.

Picture credit: Pixydotorg.

Author: James Amos

I'm a retired consult-liaison psychiatrist. I navigated the path in a phased retirement program through the hospital where I was employed. I was fully retired as of June 30, 2020. This blog chronicles my journey.

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