The Anti-Peloton Exercise Bicycle

Sena bought me an exercise bicycle about 3 years ago. I use it nearly every day as part of my fitness routine. Yesterday, I thought it needed a little squirt of oil for a squeaking noise I thought was around the pedal crank.

We both looked it over carefully. She suggested I readjust the seat, which I did. That took care of the noise and prevented an oil spill on the carpet.

The bicycle is made by Xterra. It is the FB150 model. I call it the Anti-Peloton for obvious reasons. It cost a little over $100. It weighs about 30 pounds. The digital “computer” for monitoring my performance and fitness level never worked. I inquired about it, but I think the support agent was an extraterrestrial. He threatened to abduct me and perform various examinations involving probes if I escalated the matter to management. I didn’t return the bike.

There are a few differences between the Xterra FB150 Anti-Peloton and the Peloton. According to a recent review, the Peloton price will set you back $2,000—for the first year. After that, it’ll cost you $500 every year before you finally decide to return it because you have to hock all your possessions to keep it.

The Peloton has a Wi-Fi-enabled 21.5-inch touchscreen tablet that “live-screams” fitness classes led by instructors who are drill sergeants and scream at you and other hapless unfit persons as a side hustle.

The Anti-Peloton has a “computer” which is nonfunctional and is used just for decoration.

The Peloton weighs approximately 5 tons and is assembled in your home by 5 computer technology experts who will require the use of your kitchen to prepare their gourmet luncheons using whatever is in your pantry plus the items you’ll need to purchase from specialty delicacy shops. The set up takes about 3 weeks and the technicians will need you to move into a hotel while they rebuild your house or apartment so that it will meet the exacting standards you will need to rent the product for the rest of your natural life, according to the contract you must sign in blood. This will, of course, also entail daily worship rituals involving small animal sacrifices at the cultured marble alter that is custom designed for your special Peloton. It’s a little like a wedding.

The Xterra FB150 Anti-Peloton, as noted above, weighs approximately 30 pounds, folds easily for moving it to a comfortable viewing position in front of the TV to watch your favorite shows while you munch on snack bars, cycling slowly so as not to raise blisters on your feet from the straps fitted to the pedals.

The Peloton saddle is small and is just the right size for skinny extraterrestrials who were probably involved in the manufacture of the product.

The Xterra FB150 Anti-Peloton has a very large padded oversize seat which can accommodate the butt of any creature including a bull elephant.

You can choose the Peloton or the Anti-Peloton. The choice is yours, and it depends only on whether or not you are independently wealthy enough to employ Elon Musk to replace urinal deodorant cakes in any of the bathrooms of your umpteen mansions.

You’re welcome.

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