Planet Pella

I thought I would bring readers up to date on what’s happening with our panel bottom of the door weatherstrip seal replacement. Notice how I’m picking up the vocabulary of Pella door and window replacement parts?

I’ve concluded that the Pella corporation I’ve been dealing with over the telephone must be another planet. It’s probably the planet Pella, in the Pella star system in the Mecetti Province of the Tapani Sector. It produced and may still be producing huge harvests of grains and vegetables annually, which makes it an important agricultural producer of the sector.

It can’t be the Pella corporation that is located in Pella, Iowa—you know, where the Pella Tulip Festival is held every year and supposedly the headquarters of the large producer and sales center for doors and windows.

I’ll tell you why I think Pella (or at least the Pella I’ve been in touch with, sort of) is another planet in a galaxy far, far away. Hang on to your tin foil hat. For about the last month, I’ve been trying to get a replacement bottom of the door weather seal for our Pella door. I’ve talked to several customer service representatives who are friendly, polite, and who have been honestly trying to be helpful.

However, something is getting lost in the communication. I suspect it’s because somehow, the telephone connection has been hijacked by a wormhole between Earth and the planet Pella in the Tapani Sector. I thought things like this happened only in novels by Douglas Adams, as in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I think I’m being connected with the Ministry of Agriculture on the planet Pella. Agents there are getting my calls by mistake because of the wormhole vortex detour.

It started with the requirement for a serial number—any serial number. I sent pictures of the door. One of them was of a label stuck to the door indicating that it is a fire door. There is a number stamped on the top of the door which is a date: March 11, 2011. There is no serial number stamped on the top hinge—which does bear the Pella label, as do the other two hinges.

I gave them pictures of the door which has the kerfs (slots) on the door bottom where the barbs of the door seal should be driven. We took the door off the hinges and removed the old seal so that I could send pictures of the shredded seal as well as pertinent shots of the door itself.

Planet Pella gave up on the serial number requirement and sent us two small weatherstrips which were obviously not meant for our door. They sent it free of charge at least. It also took a rather long time to get to us, given that we’re only about an hour and a half away—that is, if you believe the delivery was from Pella, Iowa. Despite the lengthy time to delivery, the package bore a label marked “Rapid Response” in large red letters. Sure, if it’s from the Tapani Sector.

I spent a long time on the phone with the Minister of Agriculture. It’s possible that the agent on the planet Pella who was in charge of mailing the package got hungry on the way to the post office and stopped off at the break room for microwave popcorn and a soda. The package got left in the break room, where it was found by the custodian days later. It was somehow saved from the trash compactor, stamped with “Rapid Response” and beamed down to us.

I thought we got things cleared up and Pella gave it a second try. We just got another package marked “Rapid Response” and guess what? It’s the right seal but it’s the wrong size!

Well, back to the phone and several times on hold while the Minister of Agriculture checked several times with the supervisor who had to be convinced that I didn’t want a shipment of soybeans (we’ve got plenty of that in Iowa) but the right size door seal. I sent another picture, this time of the old shredded seal next to the one they sent for comparison, which was obviously the wrong size. Come to find out they sent the seal for a patio door, not a fire door.

We’re on the third attempt for planet Pella to get it right. They assure me that they’ll get it right this time. I imagine they’ll ship it again by Rapid Response—along with a bushel of soybeans, compliments of the Prime Minister of the Tapani Sector.

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