werewolves – Go Retire Psychiatrist

Here’s a suitable sort of dad joke Svengoolie style for the 1941 horror movie classic, The Wolf Man:

What do you call a dirty joke about the wolfman given at the strait-laced werewolf convention? A howler.

See what I did there? It puns on the word “howler” defined as an embarrassing mistake that evokes laughter, and also puns on the werewolf’s habit of howling. So, the mistake is the dirty joke being told to a convention audience of strait-laced (strictly moralistic) werewolves. OK, whatever.

I’m not great at telling dad jokes, although I like to hear them. I almost bought a book of dad jokes the other day, but when I read the copyright notice, I decided against it:

The notice of copyright for this book of dad jokes is to inform the purchaser that it is hereby forbidden to share these jokes in written, spoken, whispered, or telepathically delivered form to anyone else. Only the purchaser may whisper the jokes to himself as long as no other person is within earshot although it is preferable to read them silently. If this copyright notice is violated (and we will know because of the cleverly hidden monitoring device inserted in the text on each and every page), the publisher has the right to pursue every legal action necessary to extract money and suitable vengeance on the perpetrator, which means you.

I’ve been to the bookstore which sells several dad joke books and they all have this kind of copyright notice in them, regardless of who writes the books. I end up not buying any of them. Consequently, I never learn how to tell dad jokes. But that probably won’t stop me from trying.

Anyway, we saw The Wolf Man last Saturday and it’s a classic B horror movie. It was our first time seeing it and Lon Chaney, Jr. was a great werewolf. He didn’t like being called junior. We found out his father was a movie star too. I don’t think anybody called him Lon Chaney, Sr.

You can find attempts on the web to attach psychoanalytic interpretations of the Wolf Man, but I don’t buy them. On the other hand, there are some quotes from the film that sound like psychological observations:

Dr. Lloyd, the family physician: “I believe a man lost in the mazes of his own mind may imagine that he’s anything.”

Sir John Talbot (Larry the werewolf’s father): “Larry, to some people, life is very simple. They decide that this is good, that is bad. This is wrong, that’s right. There’s no right in wrong, no good in bad. No shadings and greys, all blacks and whites…Now others of us find that good, bad, right, wrong, are many-sided, complex things. We try to see every side but the more we see, the less sure we are. Now you asked me if I believe a man can become a wolf. If you mean “Can it take on physical traits of an animal?” No, it’s fantastic. However, I do believe that most anything can happen to a man in his own mind.”

You can see The Wolf Man on the internet archive. You can make up your own mind about it.

We never did figure out what was making the knocking noise in our attic. I guess we’ll have to find out what to do about it. We did get the ladder and check out the attic, though.

As a general rule, animals don’t knock. They usually lack good manners, especially the Chupacabra and its cousins. And I can’t figure out what a wild creature would eat up there, unless it likes insulation.

I tossed an old fruitcake through the hatch to distract the werewolf, demon or zombie or whatever might be haunting the place. I figured that would probably kill it or at least the candied fruit would gum up his fangs so bad his jaws would stick closed.

It was pretty dark up there. We didn’t hear any knocking, but we did notice a disconnected duct. We’ve scheduled a fix with a local HVAC company.

We might have to Smudge the attic. I looked this up on the web. It’s a way to spiritually cleanse a house. You can use burnt sage or other substances which you have to light with a match or a lighter (which you could accidentally drop)—something I’m not sure I want to do in an attic when it’s hot and dry and there’s a lot of insulation and wood all over the place.

You end up with a lot of smudges that way—from a fire.

Anyway, you’re supposed to work your way around the attic from right of the entrance all the way around counterclockwise until you get the left side of the entrance.

We have attic hatch that is about 22’’ x 30.’’ It’s a long way around the attic. It’s pretty big and some things can hide under the abundant insulation—like giant pythons, which can go a long time between meals.

Snakes don’t knock; they lunge, strike, and coil. And if they’re possessed by a demon, they’re not usually impressed by how hot it can get in an attic.

This is why the HVAC repair person is waiting a while before coming out to our house. They try to avoid doing work in attics in the summer heat—not because they’re afraid of pythons. Python wrestling is just part of the job.

This gives us a little time to work out a smudge technique that doesn’t involve adding things like heat and smoke to the attic. That reminds me. You’re supposed to open up windows to let the smoke out. There aren’t any windows in our attic. Come to think of it, do any attics have windows?

It turns out there are smokeless cleansing methods—that don’t involve sprinkling Copenhagen all over the joint.

You can bang on pots and pans or ring bells. This can wake up the neighbors, who might call the police.

You can dust and vacuum and mop, but I’m not keen on cleaning up the attic. Attics are just the right places for large piles of insulation, dirt, and shadows—which can hide werewolves.

You can make a spray out of stovetop potpourri, which might be a mistake because it could draw people from miles around who think you’re throwing a cheese and wine party.

You could open some windows to let in light but not in our attic, unless we knock out a few walls. Vampires don’t care for bright lights and might take offense.

Magical sweeping with an ordinary broom might work, but it would just make a cloud of insulation particles and make you sneeze—which could startle the werewolf, who would then rip your lungs out.

I think we’ll just stay out of the attic for now.