Bigfoot – Go Retire Psychiatrist

Bigfoot Snow Removal Service!

We got about 9 inches of snow over the weekend and we’re set to get a few more inches today. People have to work pretty hard to get the snow off their sidewalks because Iowa City has some pretty strict rules about it. If you don’t get that snow removed from your sidewalk “down to the concrete” the city will do it for you—for a stiff price.

You got 24 hours’ notice for your first violation. If you don’t get it done in 24 hours, the city will fine you a penalty of however much it costs to remove the snow plus a $100 administrative fee.

You’ll be glad to know there’s a way to prevent this from happening to you. All you need to do is contact Bigfoot Snow Removal Service. They don’t have a phone number because they don’t technically exist, but that’s only what the city will tell you.

Bigfoot Snow Removal does not have a telephone connection nor a website but there’s a way to get around that. All you need to do is find a big stick and knock really hard on a nearby tree. You have to knock 3 times just like Tony Orlando and Dawn sang the song and do it like you mean it.

Then grab a big bucket and fill it up with a lot of meat. Beef jerky is good but if you don’t have it, use anything you got on hand, even Wagyu beef. I can’t help it if you paid a lot of money for it, just be glad you can get it in America. Even though 10 pounds of it can set you back over $1000, just keep thinking about how much the city will charge you to clear your sidewalk.

Set the bucket of Wagyu or whatever out in your front yard. You can set up a critter cam if you want to make sure it’s Bigfoot fetching it and not your neighbor. However, it’s only fair to warn you that because Bigfoot is an interdimensional creature (that’s why nobody’s ever found fossils or seen baby Bigfoots) you’ll never capture any footage of Bigfoot. Oh, people pass off amateur videos claiming Bigfoot posed for them and you’ll see them on TV shows, but that’s just a government plot to distract you from the price of Wagyu beef.

The nice thing about Bigfoot Snow Removal is that they bring their own snow shovels. None of them have snow blowers because they would have to go to the hardware store and buy them. That would just cause a panic because people would faint and have to go to the emergency room and then Bigfoot hunters would start setting traps, looking for tracks and making plaster casts of them which invariably turn out to be bear or collecting animal poop that is always from raccoons, playing practical jokes and whatnot.

Just shovel your walks.

More Bigfoot Encounters on the Clear Creek Trail

We’ve had encounters with Bigfoot on various walking trails, but most were on the Clear Creek Trail. I guess Bigfoot is one of those interdimensional beings, moving in and out of our world. It takes getting used to.

Avoid getting into thumb wrestling matches with Bigfoot. And moving in and out of various dimensions can get anyone a little mixed up on holiday dates.

Big Time Bigfoot Cribbage Game!

Yesterday, Sena and I had a major cribbage showdown on the Bigfoot cribbage board. It took a little practice to get used to it because we generally use the long board. Aside from the usual hiccups figuring out scores, I did a fair job of keeping up for a while.

However; Sena won. She plays a smart game and I didn’t have the time to crack any Bigfoot jokes during the filming of the full game. We’re not tournament players so we took over 25 minutes to play one game. It was fun, though.

Sena ordered a card shuffler machine, and we’ll see how much time that shaves off playing a game. Probably not much although the maker advertises that it shuffles in less than 2 seconds. I don’t think tournaments allow shuffling machines.

Except for the length of the video, I think what it has going for it is the demo of how the game is played.

And on to the important stuff—a couple of Bigfoot jokes:

Do you know why Bigfoot is so good at hiding? He owes money to Chuck Norris.

Bigfoot claims he saw Chuck Norris once, but nobody believed him.

The reason nobody sees Bigfoot is because Chuck Norris found him first.

Bigfoot thinks Chuck Norris is a myth.

Bigfoot Safari in Iowa!

I suppose you’ve all heard there’s going to be another Iowa Bigfoot search this year sponsored by the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO). It’s scheduled for September 18-21, 2025 (Thursday-Sunday). Check the registration details for fees and whatnot—No guns or dogs allowed.

What would Einstein say about the difference between Bigfoot, Yeti, and Sasquatch? They’re all relative.

The announcement as of today doesn’t say where the trip will start yeti (har!). Presumably, the party won’t be anywhere near Dyersville, where the movie “Field of Dreams” was filmed. And if the organizers give this a big enough build-up, the hopeful will come.

And they have showed up for previous events; at least I think so. There have been several such expeditions in recent years. According to the BFRO website, there’ve been 78 sightings of Bigfoot in Iowa.

Bigfoot saw me but no one believed him.

The Wikipedia article on Bigfoot is one of the longest I’ve ever seen. There are over 300 references. Funny, I didn’t see any of my documented sightings even mentioned, not even the classic tree structure in Hickory Hill Park.

How does Bigfoot know what time it is? He checks his sasquatch.

What do you call a Sasquatch who can improvise? An unscripted cryptid.

What do you call a Sasquatch who’s always prepared? A ready Yeti.

What do you call an Italian Bigfoot? A spag-yeti.

What kind of exercise does Bigfoot like? Sasquats.

Bigfoot sightings have been reported from all over the world. You can even see one in Canada caught on camera in this famous documentary from The Red Green Show.

Sena Says Chase Away the Winter Blues, Try Lume!

Sena said I could give you an update on the Lume products. Remember, she said this was OK.

She’s actually happy with the product. She uses it as recommended by the creator, who recommends applying it “under boobs, butt crack, pits,” and so on. That’s how the commercials go.

We shoveled snow and scraped ice yesterday and she thought she could go without a shower last night—mainly to see how long the deodorant would last.

On the other hand, she’s not going to buy it again because it’s too expensive. Really, that’s the only knock against it, according to her. And her word is the only one that matters. Except her suggestion I try Mando products. Is she trying to tell me something?

I’m wondering how this will promote Lume research into making the deodorant for Bigfoot (my proposal in the original post), namely Bigfoot B.O. Begone (BBOB). Lume can even have the name, as long as they back it up with field research. That means going into the field to find Bigfoot, applying the product, and getting follow up results periodically (every hour on the hour would suffice) for at least 72 hours.

Bigfoot is about 8 feet tall and weighs over 600 pounds, so wrestling with it will require fortitude, strict dedication to the scientific method—and plenty of beef jerky. Sticking your nose into its armpits and other unmentionable body sectors will take courage, excellent health insurance, life insurance, and a total lack of sanity.

What some people will do in the name of science makes you wonder if psychiatric treatment could make a difference.

Remember, she said this update was OK. I’m available for questions just as soon as I’m released from the witness protection program.

Sena Gets Her Lume!

Sena finally got her Lume products delivered yesterday. That’s right, I said “Lume,” the total body odor remover you see being advertised on TV. I can’t bear to watch them, which might say something about how we’re socialized to avoid confronting our own B.O. In my defense, the commercials have been described as “in your face.”

The packet arrived after 11 days, starting its delivery journey in Kentucky. I suspect the recent bad winter weather had a lot to do with the delay. The postal service delivered it and the products inside were frozen. The Acidified Deodorant Wipes package was a solid brick and I bet you could have broken a window with it.

Sena ordered the Lume products with the goal of experimenting with them to just to see if they work as advertised. The long message Lume sent after the delivery was interesting:

UPS has marked your package as delivered! This is one of the best days of my life, second only to when you placed your order.

Please allow an additional 1-2 business days for your lovingly prepared package to arrive on your doorstep. Sometimes packages are marked as “delivered” while they’re still in your faithful mail carrier’s bag or looking cute in the mail truck.

If you still haven’t received your Lume in 2 more business days, please contact us! (Not to brag, but we are pros at Where’s Waldo^TM.)

Tips & Tricks for Becoming a Lume Pro

Prep Your Clothes & Prime Your Pits

Body odor happens in two places: ON your skin and IN your clothes. Learn how to both places ready for outrageously effective odor control on our Getting Started Page!

We Had to Break Some Rules to Be This Good

What’s that smell? It’s the sweet smell of science! Our water based cream rubs in like a lotion, and because Lume is not like ordinary deodorant, it doesn’t smell like ordinary deodorant. A natural, unexpected, fleeting scent leaves you smelling like nothing at all.

Pits, Feet, and Privates

Odor reactions are the same no matter where they happen on our body! You can use Lume anywhere you have external odor but wish you didn’t. Yes, even there.

Have Some *Private* Questions?

No need to be coy. We all have private parts, and we all have odor! Find answers to your questions on our FAQ page or by messaging our knowledgeable team at website address. (Trust us, we’ve heard ALL the questions.)

Doubts have been raised about whether or not the deodorant keeps you odor free for 72 hours. I’m not sure what to make of the claim. Most deodorants and antiperspirants that have been on the market for years make that claim. I’m not sure how you’d verify it. I don’t generally go without showering for several days. I’m likely to wash the deodorant off well before 72 hours after application.

Along those lines, there’s also a product like Lume for men now, called Mando. I’m not sure why the name was chosen. It can be short for mandolin or Mandalorian (fictional male warrior character in the Star Wars franchise) among other meanings, usually suggesting machismo.

The Mando product may or may not be connected to the acquisition of Lume by Harry’s Inc. (maker of men’s personal care products) in 2021. According to the web, Mando was launched in 2023.

So, the logical question, of course, is when will the Bigfoot deodorant be released? Hey, it’s well known that Bigfoot stinks to high heaven, and while explanations differ about what he smells like and why, there’s no reason not to develop a total body deodorant for Bigfoot. It could be called Bigfoot B.O. Begone (BBOB for short). It has a ring to it. And there’s even a Minnesota connection relevant to the Lume/Mando creator. The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO) have documented at least 75 sightings in Minnesota.

BBOB could lead to making him less shy and more willing to share his favorite food, which is beef jerky. And we’re always talking about Bigfoot as though there are only males in the species. The classic 1967 Patterson/Gimlin film of Patty the female Bigfoot (with boobs no less) clearly illustrates the need for an “under boobs” deodorant for the Sasquatch tribe. It would probably have to last more than 72 hours.

I’m not making any guarantees here, but there may be an update to this post.

An Unexpected Encounter with Bigfoot on the Clear Creek Trail

The other day we put in about a 2.5 mile walk on the Clear Creek Trail in Coralville. We haven’t been there in a long while. It gets really quiet along the wooded trail. Sometimes even the birds don’t sing.

It was pretty quiet except for some strange knocking noises. You know, Sena has taken the lead in spotting Bigfoot in our walks in three parks, counting our latest trek. She saw Bigfoot in Hickory Hill Park, Terry Trueblood Recreation Area, and now again on the Clear Creek Trail.

She’s a Bigfoot hunter, there’s no doubt. This Bigfoot we saw a couple days ago was different. It obviously was interested in helping the Hawkeye football team with their offense. It eats plant-based cheese for some reason. I always thought it preferred beef jerky.

Did you know Bigfoot plays guitar?

Yowie the Tree Hugger!

I saw the Bigfoot episode of The Proof is Out There last Friday which purportedly showed thermal images of two Yowies, the Australian version of Bigfoot. I was shocked when host Tony Harris said the video was either a hoax or possibly Yowies—and went with “Possibly Yowies.”

Interesting name, “Yowie.” It sounds like something I’d yell if I accidentally touched a stovetop burner. Actually, a Wikipedia article about it says it was originally called “Yahoo,” which is something I might yell if I won the lottery.

Supposedly the thermal imaging shows two Yowies hugging a tree. The tree looked pretty skinny. I would think that a 9-foot tall, 800 lb. cryptid would crush rather than hug such a little tree. And will someone please tell me why DNA evidence, footprints, or poop samples were not obtained?

I quickly glanced at a few web articles which said there’s no physical evidence for the existence of the Yowie in Australia. I’m thinking it’s high time we capture one with a method that is guaranteed to work. Here’s how you catch a Yowie:

First you dig a hole and fill it with ashes. Carefully place peas around the hole. When the Yowie comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

Then we can start serious scientific study of the critter. The first thing you have to learn is not to call it a critter, which is undignified. The proper title would be Sir Cryptid Yahoo Yowie, Esq.

Test whether it prefers beef jerky, vegemite, or politicians for lunch.

We might start by teaching Sir Yowie how to dance. No doubt you’ll recall the 1974 documentary film “Young Frankenstein” in which the Frankenstein monster does a pretty fair job of tap dancing.

See if Sir Yowie can learn how to juggle. One problem might be that it could be better at basketball, given its height and strength. You juggle while Yowie dribbles. Don’t argue.

See if it can learn to play cribbage. However, a crisis could arise if you don’t let it win the big annual American Cribbage Congress tournament (I think it’s in Virginia Beach, VA this year). How would you calm down a giant who smells like it needs a diaper change?

Blockbuster Sasquatch Cribbage Game Antics!

Brace yourselves! Sena and I are going to break the internet with the never-before-seen YouTube video of our antic-filled cribbage game on our Sasquatch cribbage board—and playing with the Sasquatch cribbage cards!

This had an extremely rare outcome. Wait’ll you see what it is.

I also shared a few nuggets of knowledge about Sasquatch that I learned from the internet. One of them is that the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO) credits the state of Iowa with 76 reports of Bigfoot encounters (not necessarily sighting per se, but so what?).

Sasquatch Playing Cards Arrive!

We got our Sasquatch playing card deck! The images of Bigfoot are strikingly similar to the carved image on our new Sasquatch cribbage board. And they both resemble the image of Patty, the female Bigfoot supposedly captured on 16mm film back in 1967 by Bob Gimlin.

That’s the legendary Patterson-Gimlin video of Bigfoot. There are two opposing views on the existence of Bigfoot which I think are probably influenced by Patty.

The TV show, The Proof Is Out There, aired an episode of experts who talked a lot about evidence for Bigfoot. I watched the show, which ran on December 3, 2021. The Daily Mail UK ran a big story about it. I honestly can’t remember what they decided.

On the other hand, there are a few people who claim to know for a fact that a guy has admitted that he put on a stinky monkey suit and played the part of Patty—and said he’s blowing up the whole thing because he never got paid for doing it. That was way back in 2004, and the story is all over the internet.

I tend to be skeptical about most things like Bigfoot and extraterrestrials. I’m not exactly saying they don’t exist.

But why can’t anyone find a corpse, roadkill, or a definite fossil of Sasquatch? Is that why people are starting to call Bigfoot an interdimensional being, coming and going through a wormhole vortex? And why does everybody still pay attention to the tale?

I think it’s because just about everybody likes a good story—which is what Bigfoot has always been.