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Svengoolie Movie: “The Black Cat” vs The Weather Report

The atmosphere for the Svengoolie TV show airing of the 1934 movie “The Black Cat” was nothing short of electric—as in electrical storm. I thought the mood of ambivalence in the film was firmly set for about the first half hour of the movie. That was how long the TV station weather alert was on screen, shrinking the viewing size of the movie somewhat to make room for a map of the counties at risk and the scrolling warnings about which east central Iowa counties were affected by the flood watch and guidance about what to do.

Anyway, the film is not related in any way to Edgar Allan Poe’s short story of the same title. The movie was directed by Edgar Ulmer and starred Bela Lugosi as the Hungarian psychiatrist and ex-WWI POW (that’s right, I said “psychiatrist”), Dr. Vitus Werdegast; Boris Karloff as the satanic and necrophiliac Hjalmar Poelzig, the former WWI commander of the Fortress Marmorisch and a famed architect who built an ultra-modern mansion on top of the grisly site where thousands of soldiers were killed. Vitus and Hjalmar play chess for the souls of the aspiring novelist Peter Alison (David Manners) and his wife Joan (Jacqueline Wells) who, unfortunately get stranded there along with Vitus after the bus carrying them crashes on the way from the train station to various hotels and Disney World.

The mood of ambivalence I thought was evident, contrasting the creepiness of Hjalmar and Vitus grimly gambling in a chess match for the lives of Joan and Peter and the comicality of the two policemen interviewing the Alisons and the two heavies about the bus accident. The lieutenant and the sergeant arguing with each other in a “My hometown’s better than yours” exchange reminds me of Abbott and Costello. I recommend you see it for yourselves on the Internet Archive; it’s about 35 minutes in.

Contrast this with the hysterical cat phobic Vitus (despite being a psychiatrist) throwing a knife at one of the many black cats prowling around the house after it ejects a hairball on the floor! Or Hjalmar thumb wrestling with Vitus until the latter chooses to pick up what looks like an emery board from an array of much larger knives and bazookas on a large table—and prepares to flay Hjalmar with it. This would only make Hjalmar look even more excruciatingly well groomed, along with the precisely trimmed haircut carefully smeared with a pound of Brylcreem.

I think “The Black Cat” is a hoot. It’s a litter box full of nuggets of melodramatic ailurophobia with here and there a hairball of ambivalence but hey, nobody’s purr-fect!

Shrilling chicken rating 4/5

Upcoming Svengoolie Movie: “The Black Cat”!

Calling all stations, clear the air lanes, clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a rubber chicken? Something else Svengoolie has to dodge. Keep reading for the Artificial Intelligence (AI) attempts at this joke.

The upcoming Svengoolie show movie this Saturday will be “The Black Cat” which I’ve never seen before. One of the posters I see on the internet implies that it’s based on Edgar Allen Poe’s short story of the same name.

I never read the gory story until a couple of days ago and I’m hoping the film won’t be like that. It also reminded me of a novel about animal cruelty given to me as a gift when I was a kid. “Beautiful Joe” was written by Margaret Marshall Saunders and it emphasized how people can treat animals humanely. It was a true story about a dog that was rescued from a sadistic master who mutilated the animal by cutting off its tail and ears in a fit of rage.

Just for fun I tried to find out AI would come up with when I asked it about a joke which would start with “What do you get when you cross a black cat with a chicken?”

The AI answer: “Something which scratches the furniture and lays eggs.” Other answers were “Cluck-ty cat” or “Meow-ster Hen.”

And when I asked for the AI joke using “What do you get when you cross a black cat with a rubber chicken?” AI came up with:

“That’s a classic riddle! The answer is: A lucky squeak!” And the AI goes on to explain: “It plays on the idea that black cats are considered unlucky, and rubber chickens make a squeaking sound.”

See what he did there? Neither did I.

Svengoolie Movie: “Invaders from Mars” and Zippers are Large!

I watched the Svengoolie movie “Invaders from Mars” last night. I saw this 1953 science fiction film last year but didn’t notice the extraterrestrials wore pretty obvious green velour body suits which zipped up the back.

Anyway, the movie was directed by William Cameron Menzies and starred Jimmy Hunt as the boy, David MacLean, who cried wolf, or at least that’s what everyone, including his parents, thought of his story about seeing a flying saucer land not far from their home, in a kind of sandy outlot which tended to swallow people whole after that.

Shortly after the saucer landed, people started to go missing and when they turned up later, they acted like zombies albeit with a new and nefarious purpose in life not their own.

There were many examples of leadership. Most of the good guys including the astronomer, Dr. Stuart Kelston and psychologist, Dr. Pat Blake fit the mold: respectful, congenial, and not prone to slapping David in the mouth like somebody I could name but who I’ll just hint he’s played by a guy named Leif Erickson, a Norse explorer who discovered America hundreds of years before Columbus and evidently found the fountain of youth.

Dr. Kelston has a theory about what’s happening and even speculates about the connection of the space exploration program he’s involved in which could be causing some extraterrestrials to be leery of its ultimate purpose, which is to build tall warped looking buildings with weird music piped in. Actually, Svengoolie revealed that the settings were purposely built large because the original plan was to shoot the film in 3D.

On the other hand, the leader of the Martians was this head in a glass globe that the guys in green jump suits (the Mutants) carried around, sometimes walking backwards so as to not expose how the costumes zipped up in back. But often they had to run through tunnels, which would have been tough to do backwards. That’s when you see the zippers. They had this stiff gait sort of rocking gait which I think I remember seeing when I was a kid when I saw these scenes on TV decades ago.

Anyway, the leader who was just a head in a globe never talked but communicated telepathically with the Mutants. It was the Martian Intelligence (the head, played by Luce Potter) who did all the thinking and gave all the orders, evidently driven by fear of the humans who were getting ready to shoot into space and ruin their neck of the space neighborhood.

There’s the usual Cold War paranoia but with a focus on inserting alien probes into earthlings that made me think of the X-Files mythology. There’s a fairly frequent inclusion of military stock footage given the us vs them dynamic.

A fairly large number of the actors were also in Perry Mason episodes, which seems to happen to a lot of actors who eventually appear in Svengoolie movies. I had a little trouble remembering a very young Milburn Stone who played Capt. Roth, and who could sling semi-scientific verbiage around pretty well. I remember him as Doc in the TV show Gunsmoke.

There was a disagreement between the United Kingdom and America about the ending of the movie. Was this invasion all just a kid’s nightmare or what? The British rewrote the ending to leave out the dream theme.

Except for the Mutant dress code, I thought the movie was pretty fair.

Shrilling Chicken Rating 4/5

Sena + Prune Juice = Space Trip?

Sena has been drinking her prune juice and I presume she’s regular. Besides that, she could be an excellent astronaut. There was a small study by scientists that seemed to show that mice who ate prunes could be protected from space radiation.

I think you’d have to eat a lot of prunes for that. Being regular is one thing, but being less susceptible to the dangers of space travel to places like Mars might mean a serious commitment to prunes beyond human endurance.

It makes me wonder how extraterrestrials tolerate it. We’re always depicting them as humanoid on TV and in movies. Maybe they already know about this. It would give abduction a whole new meaning.

Anyone notice a prune shortage?

Svengoolie Movie Next Saturday “Invaders from Mars” Triggers Memories!

The Svengoolie TV show movie next Saturday will be “Invaders from Mars” released in 1953 and it triggered some memories. One of them is when I was a little kid. I think I saw parts of it on TV while I was supposed to be down for a nap. I recall seeing these burly guys in green body suits trotting stiff-legged through tunnels. Their gait is something I can’t forget—no matter how hard I try. For a long time, I thought I had just been dreaming. But I’m pretty sure the nightmare was real because when we saw the movie last year on the Svengoolie show, those Martians looked familiar.

The other memory is of a TV public service announcement (PSA) commercial in the early 1970s. I managed to find a YouTube of it that reminded me of the leader of the Martians. He was in a clear globe and the green guys carried him around. He was just a head with tentacles. He was the leader and was very much ahead of his assistants in an evolutionary sense. At least I think that was the idea. He was basically the brains of the extraterrestrial population. He did all the thinking and planning—but he was stuck in this globe.

Anyway, the commercial is from 1971 and it’s a PSA from the President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports. The commercial shows how we’d be by the year 2000 if we didn’t shape up, literally. Richard Nixon was President; during his presidency Apollo 11 landed on the moon—and he resigned from office because of the Watergate scandal. Anyway, food for thought for the upcoming film, “Invaders from Mars,” which probably has a message about leadership.

Svengoolie Movie: “Return of the Vampire” Hits it On the Jugular

We watched the Svengoolie show movie, “Return of the Vampire.” I should say Sena watched about 10 minutes of it on the Internet Archive and said it was pretty good. The film was directed by Lew Landers. The writers were Randall Faye, Kurt Neumann (The Fly 1958), and Griffin Jay (Cry of the Werewolf 1944).

The movie was produced by Columbia and released in 1943. Bela Lugosi stars as the vampire Armand Tesla (no relation to Nikola Tesla) and never once says “Bluh, bluh!” This distinguishes him from Dracula, which you can’t even whisper by mistake without being ensnared in a net by lawyers who wouldn’t bat an eyelash at bleeding you dry of all your assets, so wear a garlic necklace.

He couldn’t be called Dracula in this production by Columbia because Universal had already made a few dollars on the Dracula name in their production and threatened Columbia to a thumb-wrestling match between top executives if they plagiarized the name Dracula. Soreheads!

You can’t miss Lugosi’s clawlike hands and the cobra-like sinuosity of his fingers as he mesmerizes his victims. If I tried to imitate that, I’d get cramps. Armand Tesla has all the customary power of vampires, and at least in this film, the producers get it right when we see he casts no reflection in a mirror. But he needs a valet named Andreas who is always bringing him a parcel, presumably with fresh capes from the dry cleaners.

The story spans two world wars; in WWI, Tesla gets bumped off with a spike; in WWII, he gets a new lease on undead life from the Nazi bombing and bungling civil servants (see below), regaining control over Andreas which he lost in WWI when he got spiked. Tesla’s new goal is to recruit a fresh vampire and try the new Wendy’s Frosty flavor, the Bloody Nicki.

Matt Willis plays Andreas Obry, the vampire’s hairy butler, a talking werewolf whose diction doesn’t fumble over his fangs. He’s pretty sharp in a suit but why he doesn’t complete the ensemble with a smart pair of oxfords is puzzling. He prowls barefoot across the graveyards, gardens, and sidewalk cafes (he ignores the signs “No shirt, no shoes, no service”). Watch for his pro wrestling moves in an alley with a couple of hapless detectives who can barely lay a glove on him.

Comedy bits are spaced at tolerable intervals, like the two civil servants in the graveyard who fumble about and do something with the spike that, without their scene, would make the film pretty short. That’s “spike,” not “stake.” They’re in England, after all.

Probably the peak moment in the film is when Andreas unexpectedly makes a different kind of transformation.

The little quarrels between Lady Jane Ainsley and Scotland Yard detective Sir Frederick Fleet (no relation to enemas) highlight the dumb male and smart female dynamic, a thread which runs throughout the movie.

Lady Ainsley: Sir Frederick, I declare I can’t abide it any longer; mud tracked all over the carpet, wolf hair on the toothbrush, and dust on the crucifix!

Sir Frederick: My dear Lady Ainsley, there is no such thing as dirt!

And how is all that fog getting into the house? You can barely see the walls—except for the fourth one.

We think the movie is pretty good!

Svengoolie Movie Tonight: “Return of the Vampire”

“Calling all stations, clear the air lines, clear all air lanes for the big broadcast!” (Svengoolie show intro).

Tonight’s Svengoolie movie is “Return of the Vampire.” I’m debating on whether to watch it because I’ve heard there’s a talking werewolf. Is that even legal?

Svengoolie Movie: “Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster”

So, this movie ‘Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster” is high in cheese content and don’t expect to see the Frankenstein made famous by Boris Karloff. It was released in 1965 and directed by Soupy Sales, no wait, it was Robert Gaffney. Marilyn Hanold played the big female lead, Marcuzan, the amazonian leader who looks nothing like the male Martians, one of whom, Dr. Nadir (played by Lou Cotell), reminds me of Yoda.

Seriously this Nadir to take we are? Fits him the name because at the lowest level his quality is! Hmmmm?

In fact, all the male Martians sort of remind me of Yoda. Marcuzan doesn’t resemble any of them. Other cast members include Jim Karen as Dr. Adam Steele, Nancy Marshall as Karen Grant, David Kerman as General Bowers, and Robert Reilly as Col. Frank Saunders, the android astronaut. You can watch the movie on the Internet Archive, but you’ll miss Svengoolie’s cornball jokes and commentary.

The gist of the story is that the Martians (who are never identified as such, by the way) lost an atomic war and somehow all the females on the planet got wiped out. So Marcuzan and Nadir and a bunch of Martians take off for earth to round up new females to repopulate Mars.

At the same time, scientists on earth have built an android named Frank who is test-driving a brand-spanking new NASA space capsule. Nadir boy and the gang shoot it down over Puerto Rico. Frank gets shot in the brain and goes off his nut, which can’t be screwed back on because none of the Martian repairmen know how to use the metric system in order to select the right size socket wrench.

Marcuzan and Nadir and the gang and Frank all cause mayhem in Puerto Rico. It’s kind of like parallel play until the Martians hustle out their hairy monster champion, called Mull, to thumb wrestle Frank and settle the matter. Guess which one is Frankenstein? That’s right—Marcuzan!

Anyway, if you’re looking for production value, you’re barking up the wrong tree. This is about extreme campiness, which is exaggeration and purposeful emphasis on bad taste. Even though the producers wanted a serious science fiction/horror film, according to Svengoolie and one of the original screenwriters who is still teaching at Hollins University in Roanoke, Virgina, the goal was to make a wild parody of the genre. While the producers insisted on the straight version, somehow the screenwriters obviously prevailed.

That explains the obviously botched makeup jobs, the stock footage making up 65% of the scenes, and the comical and jarringly timed soundtrack. One song called “That’s the Way It’s Got to Be,” done by The Poets seems like a sort of anthem for the movie’s real aim. In other words, don’t complain about the lack of production value because it’s a parody, hence (all together now), that’s the way it’s got to be.

The Martians used a weapon that was a popular toy for a short time, the Wham-O Air Blaster. It could shoot air 40 feet and was banned after the blast ruptured a kid’s eardrum.

Early on in the movie, right after Frank the android gets bunged up after being shot down by the Martians, he ends up looking like he’s got a couple of tubes hanging and bouncing around off his chest for the rest of the movie, so I couldn’t help thinking of him by the nickname “Tubular Teats.”

And for some reason this gets connected to the scenes of the bikini-clad women being rounded up for a weird technical assessment (reminiscent of a sliding cat scan table) of their suitability for repopulating the female population back on Mars. The women obligingly assist the Martians who lift them onto the table. This is bizarre considering the fate for some of them.

Anyway, I have to rate “Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster” using a different standard from that which was used by some to rate it as pretty high up on the list of the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made. That’s because I think it’s a parody and therefore not comparable to a serious science fiction/horror flick—because that’s the way it’s got to be!

Svengoolie Movie: “Village of the Danged Eyeballs!”

OK, so the name of the film is actually Village of the Damned, released in 1960 and directed by Wolf Rilla. It stars George Sanders as Professor Gordon Zellaby and Barbara Shelley as his wife, Anthea Zellaby. It’s based on a British Novel, The Midwich Cuckoos by John Wyndham. The gist of the story is that the whole village of Midwich falls asleep, wakes up a few hours later and things are fine until two months pass. That’s when all the trouble starts. You can see the movie on the Internet Archive.

It just so happens that the Great Mutato (Izzy) from the X-Files episode, “The Post-Modern Prometheus” is running around the village impregnating all the women. OK, so Izzy’s not part of the plot at all but it sounds cool.

One morning, all the people of Midwich fall unconscious in the middle of whatever they’re doing, which might have been a community wide orgy (usually prohibited by Homeowner Association rules) based on what happens next. The Midwich women do all get pregnant at the same time which raises eyebrows, and leads to the men raising many glasses of beer because they’re not thrilled about it.

According to an x-ray, which happens to be that of a man, the pregnancy outbreak is indiscriminate. Actually, Svengoolie let the cat out of the bag on that, revealing the goof of using an x-ray of a man by mistake. Of course, the doctors point at the film and sagely remark that the fetus is developing normally. One of the doctors is a smoker. Maybe the x-ray of a man was used to avoid using an x-ray of a pregnant woman, which is not the greatest idea in the world.

This reminds me of our freshman medical school radiology teacher. Dr. Bill Erkonen was the nicest guy in the world and he always reassured us that we shouldn’t try to memorize anything for the radiology exams. He would advise, “Just learn it.” Of course, we were medical students and we knew there was no way to learn anything in medical school; memorization was the only path. We loved him.

Anyway, they (meaning the women) all deliver at the same time and the whippersnappers mature at a highly accelerated rate (males learn quickly to stay away from dangerous things like vacuum cleaners). And their eyes glow. All they have to do is stare at the adults who immediately buy them expensive cars, jewelry, and designer sunglasses. They also teach adults to avoid the self-checkout aisles at grocery stores.

But they can also force adults to do scary things. This becomes a world-wide phenomenon leading to drastic actions by governments to do something about the kids with the danged eyeballs. The solutions don’t include hiring them to work for the post office.

I thought this was actually a pretty good movie. It’s probably a film inspired in part by the post-WWII, Cold War era and the threat of attack from some outside unknown, malignant force. The title of John Wyndam’s book “The Midwest Cuckoos” is based on bird behavior, specifically that of cuckoos laying their eggs in another bird’s nest leaving it to be raised by another bird at the expense of its own. Brown-headed cowbirds do the same thing. The X-Files extraterrestrial-human hybrid mythology is another way to express the idea. The violence in the film makes it unsuitable for younger or sensitive viewers.

Svengoolie Show “Son of Dracula”Spelling Bee Game!

I saw the Svengoolie show 1943 film, “First Cousin Twice Removed of Dracula” last night. Sorry, that’s actually “Son of Dracula.” You can watch it colorized on the Internet Archive.

It starred Lon Chaney as Count Alucard, and that name didn’t fool anybody because it’s just Dracula spelled backward. The goof everybody already knows about occurs early in the show when Dracula transforms from a bat in front of a mirror and his reflection is clearly visible.

You don’t see that much of Count Dracula and you never see his fangs. He’s well-spoken and mostly polite. He didn’t cry out “Bluh, bluh” even once, but then neither did Bela Lugosi.

Maybe I was just overthinking Dracula’s overall plan for taking over America. Was he supposed to suck the blood of hundreds of millions of people one by one or what? Even with the help of Enirehtak, the Southern belle he hypnotized into being his wife, that would be a long-term project even for the immortal vampires.

That approach is probably what killed the movie “Attack of the Vicious, Loathsome, Depraved but Suave Vampire Anteaters with Denture Fangs from Saturn!” The solution to save the planet was to ban Poligrip. Theater staff had to wake up the audience members, but only occasionally.

In spite of what you might think about the flying bat special effects, there were no strings involved—just a decrepit bat.

There were a few elderly gentlemen in the film, Dr. Brewster being one. He had a great idea about how to protect a little boy from another attack by Dracula. He drew little crosses on the kid’s neck where the fang puncture wounds were. See there? You don’t need to carry a crucifix around! Just cross your fingers at vampires.

And Dracula (no spring chicken himself) suffered a mishap while carrying his bride across the threshold after their wedding. He fell and broke his hip. Vampirism doesn’t protect men from osteoporosis. The action shots got a little shorter after that. Using a walker tends to slow chase scenes down.

On the other hand, Dracula was otherwise well preserved for being hundreds of years old. He got a little perturbed when somebody threw out his bottle of Serutan. Remember, that’s Natures spelled backwards.