Go Retire Psychiatrist

I went to the mall yesterday and just for the heck of it went to a cap shop (no, not the cop shop; I was a good boy!) and bought a cow cap! The store is called Lids Locker Room for obvious reasons. I told the salesman why I wanted it, filling him on the National Dairy Month occasion and Mike Waters Cow Week show. He smiled and played along really well although I bet he thought I was loony!

I haven’t worn any kind of hat in decades but I had a fancy gray fedora that I wore on my interview trips to psychiatry residency programs. It was accented with a thin leather hat band. I remember a lady working in the dining room of a hotel in St. Louis, Missouri saw me and said “Wear that hat!”

Anyway, this is a baseball-style cap but fancier. It fits like a glove, and I got a custom logo of a cow on the crown. The salesman had some kind of automated stitching machine that did the job in 15 minutes. I immediately put it on and walked all over the mall with it, including by the skating rink, which gave me an excuse to look for a skating cow joke. You have no idea how hard it is to find those (you’re welcome, by the way). I think I found the only one that exists.

So, the other thing I noticed at the skating rink at the mall. Did you ever wonder how people learn to do those skating leaps and tricks like the triple axel jump? Well, I saw an instructor use this apparatus made out of a handheld long rod hooked to a brace that fits around the skater like a belt allowing the instructor to break the skater’s fall! This works best when the skater is smaller than the coach. I looked this up on the internet and it’s called a figure skating jump harness. The expert says it’s definitely not all about lifting the skater. I didn’t film the people at the mall, of course, but I found a YouTube:

Nobody stared or pointed—at my hat I mean, not at skating cows; turns out they’re pretty common around here. So many old guys wear hats like this. I have noticed that no one notices my hat, despite it being festooned with a goofy-looking cow.

OK, before we get to Mike Waters (KOKZ 105.7 with Waters Wake-up Call) and his crazy cow-induced wormhole hallucination (or maybe that’s tomorrow? No?), you need to know that I walked 14,381 steps yesterday, which is about 6.5 miles. That’s 2.6 lengths of Central Park, which roughly triples the likelihood you’ll get mugged. I’m thinking my new cow hat gave me an energy boost. Actually, I worked my way up to this by walking around the block in our neighborhood for a little over a month. Is it a good way to lose weight? I’ll let you know after the feet transplant.

OK, so here’s a Mike Waters’ speed bump: what was the most popular dairy treat in the 1970s. I think I got the challenge question right. I survived the 1970s, so I should have this down—but I’m a little stuck. And I can’t just google it. That’s the rule. It’s not fair because I’m a vanilla ice cream guy. Butter brickle is a close second. I’m writing this in real time while I’m listening to Mike Waters, and I’m not going to get the answer until about 7:15 a.m.

OK, the answer is, according to Mike Waters is, drum roll please—cottage cheese! That was in the 1970s. There’s another answer for the best dairy thing in the 1980s. It’s probably not going to be whole powdered milk-although it turned out pretty good.

So, Mike Waters says: it turns out that the number one dairy or cow-related product of the 1980s is: cheese! And it’s National Cheese Day, as it turns out. It also turns out that Mike Waters does not like Miracle Whip on cheese! Whoa! Mike is evidently not aware of the many people around my age who believe in a sort of conspiracy theory (but not me!) about Kraft Heinz foods messing with the recipe for Miracle Whip. On my blog, the highest number of comments I have for any post is the one I wrote a few years ago about this. I wrote a recent update, to “What Happened to Miracle Whip?”: (“The Ongoing Miracle Whip Saga!”).

Tomorrow is the last day of Cow Week. You can still get a cow hat! And Part 2 of the Sci-Fi Soylent Milk wormhole vortex hallucination thing is still on for tomorrow! He’s going to rerun Part 1 as well! And Arnold Schwarzenegger is somehow involved:

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say in the cheese warehouse? Get to the chopper!