The upcoming movie with the Svengoolie Sven Squad this Saturday the 14th comes a day late. It’s the very first “Friday the 13th.” I’ve never seen it, but I think I’ve seen a couple of the 35 sequels. I always have to stop and think about how to distinguish the 1978 slasher “Halloween” from the 1981 slasher “Friday the 13th,” which I think I saw.
I can’t, but that’s OK because I’ve been too busy trying to figure out why the name of the star of the first Friday the 13th film sounds familiar to me. You’ll be thrilled to know that I finally remembered it’s Betsy Palmer from the old 1960’s TV show “I’ve Got a Secret.”
I think she wanted this movie to be a secret until it started making some real money.
Anyway, the movie starts with some guy in a hockey mask slashing various people who then hire a guy in a fancier mask to slash the first guy so they can go back to having casual you-know-what-kind of relations and shoplifting candy cigarettes from K-Mart, which by the way used to be Kresge’s which I am old enough to remember although I never shoplifted anything I swear. What happens next is that Slasher 1 and Slasher 2 meet on the street at high noon and threw samurai swords at each other, often missing and breaking Kresge’s windows until this wakes up Chuck Norris who is pretty annoyed and roundhouse kicks both Slashers into Saturn’s orbit although they manage to hitch a ride on one of those newfangled UFOs which resemble orbs, the extraterrestrial pilots of which hit the warp drive and shoot through a wormhole portal sending them backwards in time to 1977 and boy does that ever mess with the gyroscopes and scorch the spark plugs making it necessary to jettison a load of poorly mixed nuclear grade molten metals into a field in Council Bluffs, Iowa which for some reason did not lead to that fine community becoming a major tourist attraction, so…well, the film probably doesn’t go exactly that way but then I’ve never seen it so it doesn’t hurt to speculate a little bit.
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