What Kind of Mailbox Does the USPS Really Want from Us?

I just saw the latest headline about the United States Postal Service (USPS) new recommendation that we all get a nice, big mailbox. Huh?

I gather one reason for the suggestion is to cut down on mail theft. I don’t think I’m allowed to put a lock on a mailbox, no matter how big it is.

In fact, the only way I’ve seen to reduce (notice I said reduce, not eliminate) mail theft are those big mailbox clusters you see everywhere in neighborhoods nowadays. Those are the neighborhoods with Homeowners Associations (HOAs), which require you to paint your window trim with beige (not taupe, read my lips!) or face lawsuits.

You know about those clusters, they’re a block away from your house. And you know how small your mailbox is there, yet the postal service is also big on recommending that you use them, probably because it makes their job easier. Which is it? Big mailbox with no lock or big locked mailbox cluster with small boxes?

Is the postal service in charge of maintenance on those mail cluster boxes? Of course not. We’re responsible for clearing away the ice and snow. And is theft not a problem with the cluster boxes? Scan the web for stories about armed bandits who hold up the letter carrier for the key. It happens.

Bigger mailboxes are not the answer to the postal service problems. They can attract the Halloween pranksters showing off their Hank Aaron batting skills (look him up!) and sadistic city snowplow drivers who like dragging your mailbox into the next county after plugging your driveway.

I can remember when the letter carrier walked the delivery route pushing a cart filled with mail. He stopped at every house in the neighborhood to put your mail in the mailbox, which was attached to the front of your house, or to drop it in the mail slot in your front door.

I’m not saying mail theft was not a problem in those days, but I don’t recall hearing about it on the news broadcasts or reading about it in the newspaper—which I hand delivered, sometimes risking injury from big dogs. The only theft I recall was by customers who avoided paying when I tried to collect:

“Do you have change for a hundred-dollar bill, sonny?”

“I’m a paperboy, not a banker!”

“Come back next week.”

Here’s an idea. What if some scientist invented a mailbox which contained a device which would trip only after your mail was delivered? This device would spray concentrated poison ivy resin all over the inside of the mailbox, teaching thieves a lesson. Of course you would have to wear gloves to collect your mail.

Another idea is to make your own mailbox, which would be big enough for a Ninja warrior to hide inside. That would surprise the crooks! I think you can get a Ninja for a fair price on eBay.