Go Retire Psychiatrist

Well, I got a speedy reply today from Kraft-Heinz about whether or not they’ve ever changed the Miracle Whip recipe. This is it:

“Dear James,

Thank you for reaching out.

We want to assure you that our product has not undergone any reformulation.

Thank you for your loyalty and we are always happy to receive feedback and will forward your comments to the appropriate team.

Sincerely,

Kraft Heinz Consumer Relations

Case Number: 05731144”

Well, I guess that clears up everything. I don’t plan to file another request under the Freedom of Information Act to get a heavily redacted box of Miracle Whip and coffee-stained documents with the word “Classified” stamped in big red letters on it, shipped along with extraterrestrial body parts wrapped in plastic bags from the Pentagon basement. We don’t have room for all that.